Sufferer I Dont Even Know What Is Happening Anymore ??

[stephen cross]

Hello group x, I'm new here today, I'm a sufferer of ptsd, depression, diagnosed after child abuse in children's home in north wales, UK. At the moment I'm struggling to hang on to life, reality, I'm addicted to pain meds, sleeping tablets. They make the world seem better some how. Have attempted suicide a few times, one time it was very close, stopped breathing for 5 mins, they got me back to life in the ER... relationships I keep messing up.

I did find somebody who I do truly love, but left her and ran away simply because I'm scared of commitment, love somebody who cares for me. Why would somebody love me? I feel as thou I'm a joke, worthless don't deserve love, happiness, but I'm hoping to get a second chance with my true love and I'm going to stand up and fight to get her back. I'm getting help for my addiction, I just need help with guidance in my life.. oh one last thing is I cant stop crying, driving the car I start crying, in a shop, watching tv, music, feels as thou my heart is pounding all the time ...

Thanks for reading my story so far .. :cry:

 

[pamcoco]

I'm sorry. Sounds like you have good reasons for the roller coaster. Reminding myself of that sometimes soothes me.

be gentle with u.

 

[SRE7267]

Hi Stephen -

Welcome to the forum. I'm glad you're here and reaching out for some support. Do you have additional support locally such as a therapist? I see that you are getting treatment for your addiction and I commend you on that. It takes a lot of courage and strength.

Relationships are challenging on a normal day, but adding PTSD to the mix adds another dynamic, but it's only a different dynamic and relationships can be successful despite the challenges you are currently facing. However, it's important that you get the assistance you need so that you can be your best self, to learn to love and respect yourself, so be patient with yourself throughout your healing process -- I am not saying not to express yourself to your love, but I caution you to jump right into that before addressing some of what you are going through in the present moment as it's most important that you take care of yourself first and foremost.

By being here, you have the opportunity to read a lot about others' stories so that you can connect with others who are feeling similarly, so that you can learn and so that you can continue in your healing process. Please know that you are NOT alone in this and that the feelings that you are experiencing are valid. I urge you to seek additional assistance locally -- if you are not already seeing a therapist, it may be beneficial to look into seeing if you can make an appointment so he/she can further assist you and address what you are going through from a professional standpoint.

Wishing you all the best.

 

[Tami Marie Cross]

I do never think of you as a joke and your very much loved and wanted, you cant keep walking away from things and not facing them or accuse others of making you a joke cos your never that, your a good and brilliant person, who just needs to realise your loved, very much and you just need to get things sorted and put into priority list and accomplish one thing everyday, remember never give up, remember.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx all my love cariad

 

[franciemarnie]

I so very much understand and identify especially re: addictive meds to make you feel better at least temporarily. I was addicted to painkillers for ten years and only stopped when my tolerance was so great they didn't do anything anymore - except keep me constipated!! They and the tranqs really mess with your emotions and tho you get a charge initially, later unpredictably they put you in a worse morass than you began with. You have my total support in trying to get off. You have it either way actually but just know that me and others here know how it goes. If you decide to get off painkillers it is only 5 days of bad bad flu and then it's out. The tranqs take longer. Best to get off slow under doc's supervision esp. with tranqs which require slow reductions and withdrawal.

I can't tell you how many days I spent crying or unpredictably bursting into tears at work from the pills. They exacerbate everything horribly but if you can get off that will stop.

I mean we still cry but not drug induced tears.

You are not alone!

 

[stephen cross]

I struggle through every day finding things to do, but when I do find something to do I lose interest very quickly. The pills are having terrible effects on me now: loss of blood, anger issues, violent outbursts, and mood swings. The sleeping tablets are more serious though. I took 5 in one go a few days ago. Can I say by mistake? That was a ride, I really thought I had over done it .. when I realised what I had done I just kept drinking water to try to help me not be so dizzy. Not doing that again .

 

[intothelight]

Welcome to the PTSD Forum! :)

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Welcome. :)

 

[Whitneys story]

Welcome to the Forum!

 

[Loloma]

Hello and welcome to the PTSD forum Stephen. It would be worthwhile going to the Self-help section at the top of the page. Look under Contents and there is a range of documents you can read, which may be of help to you.

All the best.