Relationship I Don't Know How To Cope

[Silent one]

First off, please thank your husband for his service. It takes a lot of courage and dedication to become a rescue swimmer plus be a part of a narcotics team for the coast guard( coincidently my son is in the coast guard now).
PTSD is a heartbreaking illness to witness. It steals lives. I can say that I have been diagnosed with PTSD about four years ago. I have since then lost many friends and many of my relationships were broken. Please continue to support your husband. You are being very patient. The most important thing for you is to take care of yourself! I can tell by your post that you are dedicated to your family!
I hope it gets easier for you and I hope your husband accepts the help he needs.

 

[Justmehere]

@Justmehere - it's really interesting. Do you think that they get worse while in therapy because talking about things makes them retreat from themselves? I'd appreciate your insight regarding this.

Avoidance is a hallmark symptom of PTSD.

The first phase of therapy is usually focused on skills building and learning how to cope. Part of this work is to help the PTSD sufferer find some much needed relief, and because it is necessary before jumping into any work to process and resolve the trauma and for long term symptom reduction overall. Doing trauma work in therapy usually leads to more symptoms for awhile and it is essential that the person with PTSD has enough skills and stability before they do trauma work. Some people with PTSD do not get to the point where they can handle trauma work. Some do reach that point.

But yes, it is said a lot around here to people with PTSD that things get worse before they get better. But I want to add the caution that I don't think that supporters should count on it getting better, just because it's worse right now. I don't think it is wise to think that once he gets past this phase of therapy, then everything will be ok. That would set both yourself and him up for a lot of resentment down the road.

If you get your counseling, you may eventually be able to help better support him in his own coping skill building process.

 

[MandyLou]

@Justmehere ,

what skills do sufferers learn? do you mean revisiting traumatic events when you talk about "trauma work"? It does make sense. I mean if you're openly talking about things that hurt they you're going to experience it more and perhaps feel more in touch with yourself and your emotions. What do you think is important for the loved ones/supporters to remember while the sufferer doesn't communicate as much during this time and creates immense space? It would certainly make sense to give them their space so they can work through things. What can you do if the sufferer doesn't respond or receive the offered help? should you communicate at all or just let it be while they go through this?

 

[ShanaK]

That's the best way to say it @Silent one! It does steal lives especially those who suffer from it! My middle son, who is just a clone of my husband inside and out, told me he wants to go in the Coast Guard when he is old enough. As I'm sure you understand I had some seriously mixed emotions! @Justmehere I would love it if you could count on one day waking up and things are magically better. But like you said you can't count on that. My hubby's therapist told him that it would get worse before better and I accept that the better may be a new definition of normal for us. I would be lying if I said that doesn't scare the heck out of me tho. What is that new normal gonna be? Will he be able to be happy? I am a Christian and am leaving it in God's hands. I will be with him no matter what. For better or worse.

 

[joeylittle]

@ShanaK - I mostly just wanted to write and say that it's clear you and he made a strong bedrock together. You and him can and will find your new normal. Therapy does take time.

Is he doing Prolonged Exposure (PE) or EMDR or CBT? I know that's all an alphabet soup - but just in case he's not, those are the three data-driven trauma treatment models.

Re:Wellbutrin - he should consider going up to the max dose (400mg or 450, depending on who you talk to), just to see if there's an improvement. I've been on it for years and know it well; It's really a pretty great one-size-fits-all, low side effects drug. Worth exploring further.

It may have already been mentioned - but try and get into family therapy for at least you and your boys right now, with your husband to join in when he's up for it. Just finding a therapist you feel good about can take quite a bit of looking/interviewing, and it'll give you something that you can do that is a positive for you, which will help you become more enabled in the big picture of the treatment plan.

(Also - as a staff member - I'm moving your post to our supporter relationships sub-forum. There's an excellent video series stickied at the top of it)

 

[ShanaK]

@ShanaK - I mostly just wanted to write and say that it's clear you and he made a...

Thank you for the encouragement @joeylittle! I will talk to him about if he and his therapist mentioned uping the dosage more if he needs it. A lot of times he just glosses over what they talk about and gives me the very broad details. Sometimes it is hard to know what questions to ask him.

 

[Justmehere]

@MandyLou - those are some great questions! They would probably be a good start for a new thread to detailing the coping skills sufferers learn and all the good questions you are asking. If you start a new thread, then your really important questions might also get more feedback and the attention they deserve. Plus, there are other folks who can give better answers than me alone. (I would answer with what I know, but my head is a mess today.) But I'm so glad you are asking and want to better understand these things about PTSD and treatment. :)

@ShanaK - I admire your heart to learn and to stick it out with him!

 

[Sweetpea76]

My vet is upset sometimes about the medications he takes. He says he feels like a junky etc. I have asked him if any other patient would be a junky if they were taking prescribed medications at a prescribed dosage to treat any other chronic illness... A cardiac patient needs his meds to function, etc. So doesn't a combat injured vet, no matter the injury. In my opinion combat PTSD is a wound taken in action.

 

[Silent one]

That's the best way to say it @Silent one! It does steal lives especially those who s...

Oh yes, I have mixed emotions about my son being in the coast guard. My house is not the same without him. It doesn't feel like a home anymore. Although I am very proud of his choice to help keep us safe, it still hurts. He is my only child. I worry for his safety all the time.

 

[IvyMillie]

I'm sorry you are going through this. I found with my husband that he wasn't really open to talking about our problems until he was at therapy for a long time. I sort of put myself on the back burner waiting for the right time. He is still at times in denial. However, as the years have passed he has been open to talking about the affect on our marriage and on me. Believe me these were special moments. It sounds like he is still in the early stages of acceptance and therapy.

Hopefully, you can take care of yourself. I was able to without therapy, but everyone is different. It is a big change in your marriage and it's like accepting that it's not going to be an easy ride. You will have to make sacrifices that you don't want to make. Try to concentrate on the good that you have together and picture that he is sick with an illness that he can't help right now. Things do improve in time.

You are right to get whatever help you can get.