I Don't Know How To Make My Parents Understand

[Ayasha]

So I know I haven't spoken much on what happened to me, and there are many reasons for that. One main one is that I don't remember much because I can't handle it all at once, so I suppress it I think. Last year, I remembered something happened to me as a child and I've spent the past year trying to deal with it. When I remembered last year, I was so scared and upset I called my mother and told her about it--I wish so much I had never told them.

Once my parents knew that something happened they started pushing me to tell them everything, all of it and they didn't understand when I told them I couldn't. They got mad at me so I ended up telling them that the subject was off-limits.

Anyway, last night my father asked me what was wrong with me--why I'm so depressed. (for one, I didn't realize I WAS depressed because I don't consider myself to be) I told him that I'm still trying to deal with everything from last year.

Well, he got angry with me and started talking about how I'm only a victim as long as I let myself be and it's in my control to stop this. He also said sooner or later I'd have to tell him and mother everything because it's hard on them because they are having to push that side of the family away. They are tired of 'tip-toeing' around me and he is wanting to confront the family member just so he can get some answers. My parents are convinced I haven't gotten better at all over the past year and they want me to 'be myself and happy'.

When I got a moment alone, I called a counselor and asked her advice: she told me to try explaining to them how I have been getting better and that this is a process.

I tried that, I did. I asked him why they thought I was worse and he said that I sound whiny and am crying all the time. And he hates crying, he hates people who cry. I've known this, it's why my counselor has to encourage me that it's okay to cry--that it's healing.

They kept saying they don't know how to help me and now they are convinced that I'm depressed and worse and that confronting the family member would help me. I don't want to. I never have wanted to confront him and I don't care about doing so because that's not what I need to get better.

Father said that from what they know right now, it sounds like the family member was a boyfriend who broke up with me. That makes me so sick I want to throw up.

So now I feel like everything is my fault and I'm some overdramatic whiny girl who needs to shut up and move on with her life. Maybe I am? I thought I was making great progress, yeah, some of my symptoms had gotten worse for a while but that has gotten considerably better.

They kept saying they just don't understand and I don't know how to help them understand. I want to move out of their home but I can't afford to do so and stay in school, sadly. If anyone has suggestions I'm all up for them because I am lost.

 

[Abstract]

I am sorry Ayasha. It sounds like a very tricky situation.

I don't have any answers I am afraid. Would it help to print off something official about confrontation of assailants? I imagine confronting him might be a way to make them feel more powerful and feel they are doing something. You may find literature about how confrontation can re traumatise someone. You might also want to print off literature about what does and doesn't help someone. Do you think they would be open to reading things?

It also sounds like your father is unlikely to ever be someone who is going to be an emotional support because of his own issues around emotion.

You are certainly not a drama queen, whiny or any of those things and this was NOT your fault. You have obviously been assaulted. If only it was as easy as moving on and forgetting it. Sadly that isn't how trauma works. And that is what people who are not traumatised don't seem to understand.

Are you getting therapy and if not how can you do so? The best solution would be a joint session with a T where they explain things to your parents.

 

[MissMacD]

Definitely second having your family go to a session with your therapist.

Trauma is not something that can be fixed on someone's deadline, it is a healing process that can take years to repair.

 

[Venusian]

Ayasha, I agree with Abstract. Your parents might not know how to respond and the first impulse is to try and confront the person who hurt you. It is hard for them not to do anything. I know it is hard for my parents not to do anything. They do not push but I don't live with them or near them. They do not know everything and I don't think I could ever bring myself to tell them.

Educating them may be a way to help them understand. Books or information online that you provide if you don't want them to talk to your T. You can talk to your T, he or she may have information or other suggestions. A joint session as Abstract suggested or they could see a councilor on their own. As long as your parents are receptive it is something that they can do to help you and support you instead of causing you to shut them out completely.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Hi I am going to agree with venusian and abstract. You are not whiny. And getting them to see your therapist is an excellent idea as long as your dad can keep his cool. I understand them and I understand you. You have been making great progress since I have been here. You are doing amazing things you were not doing before. Be proud of your progress. It is real. You are real. And what you need is so important. Please make yourself a priority right now. Hugs.

 

[Ayasha]

I don't know how to express how much I appreciate you all right now. I'm so glad I joined this forum because you are all so supportive and kind.

I am going to ask one of the resources on campus if they are open to family counseling--I am not very comfortable with this but I'm more comfortable with it than them threatening to confront the cousin. I don't know if it will work yet but I can be hopeful, at the very least maybe speaking with a counselor will reassure them that I AM working on this and it takes time.

One of the people I'm in contact from the school was nice enough to call me today to make sure I'm alright over this. She reminded me that I can't control what they do but I can set the boundaries: I can't stop them from confronting the family member but if they do then I do not have to be around for it--I'll find somewhere else to be.

I'm still not happy with what father said to me, it was really hurtful and I don't think I deserved that.

I also spoke with my friends who see me more often than my parents and my friends have all reassured me that I am NOT depressed in their eyes because I can be happy--I'm just going through a hard time. And they are right. Because while I am upset while trying to process all of this, the fact that I'm finally starting to feel the pain and am processing it means I'm healing.

Again, thank you all so very much. I'll keep you posted on what happens, hopefully it all goes well.

Hugs,

Ayasha

 

[Ayasha]

Are you getting therapy and if not how can you do so? The best solution would be a joint session with a T where they explain things to your parents.

Oh, and I am seeing a counselor on campus. I've been seeing one the past year and she's helped me so much--I attribute my progress to her because she pushes me to do this but she doesn't force me too far out of my comfort zone.

As I said before, I'll ask about family counseling tomorrow (I don't think they'd appreciate me calling this late at night) but in the time between I love your advice on getting them literature. I can't say if they'll read it or not but at least they couldn't say I haven't tried, right?

Thank you guys,

Ayasha :hug:

 

[Abstract]

Well done Ayasha! Your T sounds really good and you have obviously worked hard and come far. You should be really proud of that as it is hard stuff.

I had a very quick look and came across this Link Removed If you skip to the bottom of the first page it discusses re traumatising risks under "confrontation cautions". You don't have to give them the first part as this is only to help your personal feelings be heard by them. This is about your wishes and concerns. You can probably find better info though. Your t might be able to advise you too.

I am thinking Anthony's document on PTSD is not a good starting point but if it goes well and they do read then maybe you can give them it in the future. Who knows!

Yup! Nothing ventured nothing gained. They may surprise you and they may not. Whatever happens you can discuss putting down boundaries around this issue with your T . Good luck.

PS. Here is a better one [DLMURL]http://www.vmh.com/Library/guide-for-responding.pdf[/DLMURL] Look from point 7 down (the first 6 are to determine if abuse occurred). It speaks of a lot of your concerns. Careful of triggers in the first 6 points.

 

[KatB]

I agree with some points of your post, Ayasha. My mother can be your family in so many ways than one.

My mom is definitely without a doubt concerned about me, but when I convince telling her the truth, I'm over-reacting and loud. I don't know if its REALLY depression or something else as for complex or chronic ptsd,its the imbalance of hormones and cortisol and stress. I find that I am extremely over the edge "depressed" because of the holidays and current lice situations. Anyways,my mom is worried but when I speak or don't hug or talk to her as I used to, she gets upset and doesn't want to know a thing.

 

[Ayasha]

Abstract, those are awesome! Thank you for sharing those links!

KatB, I'm sorry you're going through a similar situation. I too struggle with deciding if I'm depressed or not, especially after what my parents said. Here's something I try to keep in mind: if I can find one thing, anything, that will make me smile even on a bad day then I don't think that means I'm depressed. I think fixating on the possibility of depression makes me sad and then creates the illusion I'm depressed. As my friends told me (and I think this can apply to us all): I'm not depressed, I'm just going through a hard time and sometimes that makes me sad.

And I don't know if it would help to explain to your mom that you just need time and you just need someone to be there. If you need her to do something you'll come to her; at least, that's how I am with my support system at school. Holidays are a stressful time for many of us, I think, but try to remember even the little things about this time of year that make you smile, even a little. :hug:

~Ayasha

 

[Abstract]

Ayesha,

I have had my own battle with deciding if I was depressed or not at one point in my life and it drove me crazy. I ended up doing so much research on depression just isn't funny. What I can say to you is that I think it is unusual to have PTSD without some depressive symptoms and that that is normal to an extent. But when it becomes a bigger issue is when you have the physiological signs. The feeling that one can't move ones body and is struggling to do anything physically. I also have muscle aches and pains. And the sense of hopelessness and not being able to see anything good. That is when it is clinically depression. Before that it is the PTSD that is the core issue. I wonder if they understand post traumatic stress at all, see that you are struggling, and are labelling it with the only thing they have at hand.

You know your internal state so don't let anyone take that away from you.

 

[Ayasha]

Thanks, Abstract.

I have my bad days, and on those days I am sure I show every sign of depression there is and motivation to do anything can be hard. But over the past month or so those bad times are getting to be less. I will say now that I still haven't faced everything in my past so I might go through another difficult time (or ten, or twenty--however many it takes to take control of my life).

I understand they are frustrated and don't know how to help. I love them for that and knowing that they care does help but right now what they are doing is not helpful. I need parents but I don't think they are capable of being parents in regards to emotions, they don't seem to know how to react to emotions themselves. The painful ones, at least.

I tried telling them that confrontation wouldn't help me and from father's response I don't think their full motive for confrontation is to help me, it's to help them. I know that sounds mean but it really was the impression I got because father kept saying that I do not understand. I'm hoping to go to the bookstore today to find a resource not only for myself but for them as well.

Last night I had a very enlightening talk with a good friend and he knew me before these memories came up so I trust his opinion. (I'm still amazed I've been able to have guy friends, in general I have a fear of guys) He reminded me that I had difficulty with emotions when I met him three years ago and he believes that one reason I finally uncovered those memories because I was not around my 'emotionally repressive' parents as much. While I believe there is more than one cause to my remembering such a bad time in my life, what he said was very thought-provoking. I just need to remember to share it with my T when I see her again.

I still love your comment saying that I know my internal state. You're right, and I promise not to let anyone take it from me. :)

~Ayasha