Sexual Assault I don't know how

[Yellow Butterfly]

So my husband always demands that I do a hand job when he wants it. He says "you need to do something for me, now", not a request... an order.
I was talking to my T, Dawn about this and with the right questions from her we were able to get to the reason why it makes me so uncomfortable. When my rapist was doing all manner of disgusting things to me, he was always in an erection, and he made sure I knew this. Now hubby is demanding that I do hand jobs this to him . Dawn helped me see that this is a massive trigger for flashbacks. So now I have to tell him no, I'm not doing it anymore. I don't know how and it scares me, but I DO need to say no to doing hand jobs. I don't want to do them anymore.
It is the only way to stop the panic an anxiety attacks I have afterwards, sometimes they last for days, even now my stomach is twisted up.

 

[Kintsugi]

I know it will sound like I'm being overly simplistic, or I'm not appreciating the situation or your feelings etcetera, but try to trust that I'm not.

Something I have found incredibly empowering when it comes to my relationship with sex is simply saying, "No." That's all. No explanation. Just no.

 

[Deleted member 31998]

Hi Yellow Butterfly,

So first thing I must address with this issue is your husband's lack of respect when it comes to your boundaries; any strong relationship where there is the same level of mutual respect entails questions versus demands. Second thing is regarding your husband and his level of awareness with your past and diagnosis; is he aware to some extent of how this affects you? Have you considered talking to him about these issues, if you haven't already?

Third thing is the entire prospect of forcing or coercing you to do hand jobs is somewhat juvenile. Have you considered speaking with him about what kinds of things you like? Last but not least, people are not vending machines that pop out sex coins when you are nice to them. Just because he is your husband and he may do something nice here and there for you, does not by any means give him the right to feel entitled to demanding you to do things you aren't comfortable with. Keep this in mind and stay safe.

Jasmine

 

[Esterio]

Hi Yellow Butterfly,

So first thing I must address with this issue is your husband's lack of...

I agree with you in totality. Is your husband a suffer also?

 

[Gs172003]

I'm sorry but why is your therapist ok with this at all? Since when is it OK to demand that or any sexual anything?

 

[Esterio]

I'm sorry but why is your therapist ok with this at all? Since when is it OK to demand that or any sexua...

i think it is never ok to demand any sexual act. I think it is called sexual assault or rape

 

[Yellow Butterfly]

I'm sorry but why is your therapist ok with this at all? Since when is it OK to demand that or any sexua...

She is not ok with this, she has told me to say no to him.

 

[mama13]

So my husband always demands that I do a hand job when he wants it. He says "you need to do so...

The best thing about marriage is how open and honest you can (or should be) about sexual things, things that make you feel good and others you may not be into, especially if it causes awful memories to surface. Definitely make him aware and perhaps there are other ways to make each other happy without this demanding for something. To me, your other half, the person whom you share such an intimate part of yourself would be open and willing to communicate with you and come to a happy medium. You should not be suffering anxiety in a marriage. It should feel more like a refuge, a shelter from the brutal shit storm of life. Please take care and say something!

 

[mrsmegan]

I completely understand why you feel so fearful, after all he is triggering stuff from your rapist, but so good that you are to a place where you want to take back some control.

My husband and I stopped having sex in November, because I was getting so triggered and it just wasn't healthy for me to be put in that spot. We are just not starting to look at/peel away the dynamics of our sexual relationship and get it to a place where we are happy and I am not constantly re-traumatized.

(hugs)

 

[Gs172003]

She is not ok with this, she has told me to say no to him.

You had said she was exploring why you were uncomfortable with it. It made it sound like to me like she thought you were being too sensitive

 

[Yellow Butterfly]

You had said she was exploring why you were uncomfortable with it. It made it sound like to me like she...

She was just asking the right questions for me to arrive at the right answer. She has a way of knowing more about what's happening with the PTSD and memories of it than I do and helps me work it out for myself. I knew him telling me to 'do' for him bothered me, but not why. So the questions asked helped me understand what was happening.

 

[Gs172003]

She was just asking the right questions for me to arrive at the right answer. She has a way of...

I guess but it's not OK PTSD or not and the man needs to know that