I Don't Know What My Experiences Are.

[styrofoamgolem]

First I have some introduction before I get to what I've been experiencing.

I haven't been diagnosed with PTSD and I don't really think of myself as having it, at least not as PTSD is made to seem in the media. I don't think of anything I've experienced as really traumatic. There are things that have been really detrimental, but it wasn't caused by any single incident, rather many smaller things over time.

My sister's fiance started off my depression and helped perpetuate it, and the depression perpetuated itself well enough when he wasn't around too. The depression dulled my memories greatly. Some things I think I forgot, some more distant. Many memories seemed stripped of emotions and became unfamiliar like something heard secondhand, and I could no longer relate to them.

For what I've been experiencing presently.... The depression is gone now, or at least severely diminished. Once the depression started to get better my memory started to get better. Sometimes I feel like I get stuck in the past. The first time it happened my friend said it was a flashback. I don't know, but it's not like the popular conception of them. I've been referring to them as such having nothing else to call them, but it suddenly occurred to me in the past week or so it might offend someone if I'm wrong. I don't want to accidentally belittle anyone's experiences or mislead people on what flashbacks are like by using the wrong term.

So anyway. I feel like I get stuck in the past. The experience has changed over time. The first time I forgot everything since the onset of the depression around age 18, and everything before the depression was remembered as well as it would have been remembered as if I was actually 18 again. I wasn't so much remembering anything specific (though I did browse through a lot of memories) as much as experiencing a past state. I knew it wasn't really 2006 (it was 2010 then), and I could interact with the world around me just fine. I was like that for several hours, until I went to bed I think. What memories I was able to regain stayed around for some days before slowly fading away again.

I'm not sure how many times it's happened since then, maybe 10, but it seems like it's getting more often. I think it's linked to me getting better after the depression. I experienced it again a couple weeks ago. It blocked out less of the present. It was still somewhat hard to focus on things from the present, but I could remember both past and present things at the same time. And even when it was sorta over, I still felt like I was floating on a sea of memories for days. It gets in the way of getting any work done, which has brought me some anxiety trying to stay on top of things.

I don't exactly think of the experiences as negative though. I feel a large range of emotions during them, as I sift through memories. It's life I find, with its ups and downs. Every time actually, I haven't wanted to leave. I feel like I broke, at the worst point of my depression, and who I really am has been missing for a long time. I, typing this right now, am just a placeholder until I can come back.

When I'm stuck experiencing the past....I can see how dull all my emotions have been in normal life. I have to struggle with myself between wanting to stay in a past where there is life and a present where I can get things done.

Lately I've felt like I can almost control it. I have a lot more willpower than I used to. I could cut off the experience early to be able to do all my work. But I feel like if I did it might make it harder to access in the future. As incapacitating as it can be, it feels like it's important. Like the past and present could possibly remerge. I tried to stop it before it started last weekend, which just brought me a lot of anxiety. I don't want that either. I'm not sure how to deal with it.

So....can anyone put a name to what I'm experiencing? Thank you for any help.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I strongly recommend you see a professional. This forum is good support but does not replace a doctor or therapist who can help you figure out what you are dealing with. Believe me it helps a lot knowing.

Wishing you the best.

 

[styrofoamgolem]

I do go to therapy. My therapist hasn't really said anything about what it is though. Umm...I can't remember if I've asked. I think I did once but I don't remember the answer. It's gonna be a while until my next appointment. Thanks for the good wishes.

 

[Hashi]

I have to echo Ayesha. We're not qualified to name what your experiencing. You need to talk to your therapist or a different professional to get a diagnosis. Without that everything is just guessing, and that's not going to help you. You need a proper assessment and understanding of what's going on.

 

[pumpkinpie]

Hi. I agree with the need for a professional who can diagnose. If you ask them to write down your diagnosis (or as close to it as they can get) you might get past any ambivalence on their part and you won't have to worry about forgetting what they say it is.

It sounds sort of as though you have the memories but weren't able to feel the emotions that normally would have accompanied the events as you went through them. And that you don't want to have lost a chunk of your life, so you have to go back and feel the emotions, in order for them to be "real" memories...is that it?

You said you are recovering or have recovered from the depression, but did not say how, or even if, you received any treatment for it. Did you have any treatment with medications or ECT (electroconvulsive or shock therapy) that could have caused problems with your memory?

Good luck with everything, and I hope you feel better.

 

[Pietro]

Lately, I have been recovering the emotional part of some of the memories I've been consciously aware of since childhood. I never really knew this was missing, until it started to trickle back. I guess this is what "dissociation" is.

Not all of these emotional memories have been negative. In some cases, they have been very positive, where it felt like I didn't believe it safe to feel this when I was younger, but now I do. This whole "recovery" thing took-on a whole new dimension when that started happening. ;)

Don't be afraid to talk to your therapist about your experiences, when you're ready. That's why they're there. And, if he/she doesn't seem very helpful, don't be afraid to ask for a recommendation to someone who might specialize more in what you need.

 

[safenow]

I'm not a doctor, but it doesn't sound like any flashback I've ever experienced. I do recommend you get specific with your therapist. It is not ever a good idea to allow a non-professional to give you any type of diagnoses.

Good luck. I sure do you hope you begin to feel better soon. I do hope for your sake you do not have ptsd.