I don't know where i belong.

[Letskeeptrying]

I've been diagnosed with PTSD since 2008. I've been seen by so many doctors I can't remember them all. I'm in meds for pain and the depression and anxiety.
I can't remember exactly when but for the 6 months have been terrible. The meds aren't working. I'm not the man I used to be. I hate this person I am. I cannot do anything right. I feel guilty for so many things. I feel like I deserve to be punished.
This is destroying my world. My family. I don't know what to do. I know suicide is not the answer. I am not thinking about that. But I wonder if I just ran away if things would be better for my family.all I am is a weight. A source of misery.
What the hell can I do???

 

[MrMoonlight]

Man I don't have the answers believe me. Next week, tomorrow, in a couple hours I will probably feel similarly. imo all we can do is use the tools learned. You aren't alone bud.

The meds aren't working.

Do you mind me asking who is prescribing your meds?

For a couple decades I relied on my primary care physician for medication. Last year I searched out the most experienced psychiatrist in my area. He was known for his wizardry with medications and I am reaping the rewards for finding him. This just came to mind because I had also been on every dang med known to man for depression, anxiety, pain..etc over those decades and felt hopeless. Maybe it's time to alter meds or the prescribing doctor? Or a second opinion maybe?

Anyway don't give up bud, I'm with you man.

 

[Letskeeptrying]

The psychiatrist did up a dosage on a med. We're easing that one back done to what it was. The meds take so long to fix. I could loose everything by the time anything gets better. And that's IF I gets meds that works for me.

 

[MrMoonlight]

sorry man, hate to see you in that spot. Meds are so darn frustrating. I have recently changed myself but this time feeling relief with gabapentin.

Are you in a spot where you could stop thinking about all this stuff and do something relaxing or distracting? Playing calming music or water/nature sounds from youtube always helps me calm my system. What do you do?

 

[Letskeeptrying]

I try to relax by writing music. Stressful but it can be rewarding.
Thanks for replying.

I wanted to say to everyone that I appreciate your help.

 

[MrMoonlight]

@Letskeeptrying Writing songs...what a great way to express and release some of this stuff. I think there are a bunch of writers on this site. Glad you found this place, you definitely belong here. Everyone 'gets it' and has been there. I'm just starting my journey and have been helped massively by this site. What type of music do you write or like?

 

[EveHarrington]

Is it possible that your pain meds are adding to your depression?

Have you heard of the genetic testing for psych meds? It will tell you which psych meds you metabolize easier. It will also tell you if you have the MTHFR gene mutation. If you have the mutation, you cannot process folic acid and there could be as low as a 6% chance of having an antidepressant work for you. It’s defi worth checking into. When I was changing my meds, I started with the ones I process more efficiently and was quickly able to find something that works for me.

 

[shimmerz]

I don't know where i belong.
Me too. I was so disoriented. Had no grounding place/people/things in my world. They were all gone.

And then I realized, I belonged inside of my own heart. So I picked a spot and I grew it and grew it. A warm spot for just myself. No intrusions. I pictured it as a red spot. I could barely find it at first. But I kept focusing on it. I assigned it a colour. A feeling. A sense of warmth and felt it beating. Then I added situations and things to it. If someone was kind to me I added the feeling to that spot in my heart. Better still, if I was kind to me I added that feeling to my heart. Anything positive I filed into that spot. And I kept tapping into it to remember I was NOT lost nor was I alone. Nor was I a burden.

That spot in my heart is large enough now that I can use the feelings of it to emanate outwards. I think that little spot now is about the size of my entire chest. And that's the way I want it. I won't accept less. But I have to feed it. Nobody else. It is my responsibility to grow it and nurture it and make sure it stays healthy.

It's most likely something my parents should have gifted to me but as most of us here, they did not. I was bitter about that at first but recognize at this point that I am doing a much better job than they could possibly have done. I am okay with that.