Childhood I Don't Know?

[anonymoustbh]

I have no idea who to talk to about this so this is why I'm writing it in my notes...I think I was molested or sexually abused when I was younger..I'm 14 now and I have barely any clear memories from when I was 9ish and younger.

I have thought about this lately because when I kiss my boyfriend I become numb and I don't really feel anything like afterwards I forget what it felt like, which seems pretty weird to me?

I also remember when I was 6/7/8? ish me and my cousin who's a girl did things like kiss while naked and humped eachother, I remember it was her idea but she didn't force me into it, and also I remember me and my friend who is a girl lying in bed with our pants down touching ourselves. this all seems pretty off to me and I can't remember if it was my idea with my friend, they were both the same age as me.

I'm not sure if I did these things because I had been molested beforehand or I was just curious or that my cousin gave me the idea then I went and had those ideas of curiousity in my head and suggested it to my friend/s (I only remember that one incident with my friend)

I also remember I got into masturbation and porn at a young age, like 10 or 11ish? I got kik and I received a lot of nudes and things. I didn't send any I just sent the ones I had recieved onto other people. this seems more f*cked up to talk about than I thought.

I also remember sometimes when I was younger my dad touched my butt but I didn't think anything of it until now? last time he did it was when I was 10 probably cause I told him to stop.

I really need to get this out and I want someone's help like to answer for it but I have no clue where I should submit this? I have always felt an extremely serious and strong hatred towards rapists and molesters like more than the average person, most likely because my mum was sexually abused from when she was 4-12 ish..

I have never been raped or anything. I don't know if I have been sexually abused as a child and I don't know if I can ever find out but I'm worried for when me and my boyfriend go further than making out (not because I don't want to, he's not forcing me into anything) in case I feel numb or it brings back the memories from if I was molested but then I want to know at the same time.

I am not saying that I have definitely been abused but the more I think about all this stuff in depth, the more f*cked up it sounds and it doesn't sound normal to me.

I was physically abused as I child, I don't remember it but my mum and dad have both told me. my dad used to be an abusive alcoholic and gambler and physically abused my mum, brother and I (not really me though) but maybe he could've sexually assaulted me as well?

I feel weird as f*ck accusing my own dad of something like that when I really have no idea but I guess I have to look at all the possibilities. I don't really think I'd do anything if I found out the truth if I was molested or anything because to be honest I'm not traumatised or anything by it and I don't want to bring back the past when it's not for certain, I just don't really care about that part.

I only want to know if it did happen cause maybe it would explain how I feel numb in those ways and yeah. I don't know if anyone can help me at all with this but it feels good to get it out so yep...I have never told anyone about this before and I keep remembering more and more odd things but can someone please tell me what I should do? (this was written in my notes on my phone and I didn't intend on showing anyone but I came across this site so I hope someone can help..)

 

[anonymoustbh]

I only made this account so I could post about this so im not really sure how this website works or anything so I don't even know if I'm posting in the right thing

 

[Deleted member 28942]

@anonymoustbh I'm sorry to hear that you father was abusive. Although you might not see yourself as traumatized that had impacted you. Regarding whether you were sexually abused or not, I can't tell you that. I suggest you find a therapist or counselor to talk about this stuff. You are very young and the sooner you get help and work on your issues the better. The younger you are the easier it is too reverse the damage.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

@anonymoustbh I welcome you to the forum with a UK :hug: if you accept it. IMHO posting about your possible sexual trauma suffering in the sexual assault part of the forum would be the correct part to post it in.

I wish you healing in your recovery

Laurie

 

[lisa1979]

I'm not a sufferer, I am a supporter so I can only tell you my views as someone who has not been sexually abused. As a child I played games with my sister where one was the male and the other the female and we acted out scenes that involved kissing etc...it was completely innocent...you see things on telly even at a young age and, without realising, they have an effect in your lives. I also discovered masturbation at around 9...its your body and you find new sensations and explore them...again I think this can be quite normal and nothing to be worried about.
Maybe...and I am no expert, but maybe because you suffered abuse at the hands of your father, just like your mother...and maybe because your mother was sexually abused as a child...you subconscious might be linking the two. I think universal is right, going to a therapist might help you undertsand why your subconscious is having this effect on you...you seem incredibly mature about all of this and I think, with the way you are, along with some therapy, you could find some answers without too much problem. Just a theory xx

 

[RedWood]

Hi,
You are an incredibly brave 14 year old. When I was your age I wasn't as self aware as you are even though your story mirrors mine own. I remember being molested when I was very young by an older girl. I masturbated at a very young age also. I recently began to remember my mother touching my butt and feeling like it wasn't right and I also remembered how strangers looked at us when she would do that. I'm not sure if anything happened there. I may have a partial memory of something with her, but I'm not sure if that was a dream or not. I have never felt as if either experience was traumatizing to me, it just was something that happened. That was the first clue for me it was time to seek out a professional because my nonchalance about the matter isn't the typical reaction.
If i could talk to myself at 14 I would say to seek help immediately and beware of escapism. I began drinking heavily at that age and all it did was delay the necessary healing and did far more harm than good. Please be good to yourself and take care. Thank you for sharing.

 

[garden]

Welcome @anonymoustbh. I commend you for seeking understanding at such a young age. I hope that you can find a therapist to talk to about this stuff with.

 

[anonymoustbh]

thank you everyone for your advice and suggestions, I do want to talk to a therapist or counsellor or anyone professional about this but then I don't know how to approach that idea because I'd have to talk to my mum and even though I have talked to her about a lot I don't think I could talk to her about this because if it's just false and im just overthinking I will feel bad for bringing up the memories of when she was a child, but honestly thank you all you are all so kind and im glad I found this website

 

[mrsps]

Hi anonymoustbh

Glad to see another kiwi on here!
Can you see your school counsellor? You can talk things through with them. You can get counselling through ACC (sensitive claims) for sexual abuse. Maybe you could see if you can talk to the school counsellor and see if you qualify for ACC counselling because I would recommend that rather than school counsellor because sometimes they are not qualified enough for this sort of thing.

Welcome to this website, we are a pretty good bunch on here so please feel comfortable to keep posting :)