Death I Don't Think I Know I'm Alive.

[tacit]

Ok..so…last night I come to the realisation that I don’t think I truly know that I’m alive. Of course I am actually alive I just don’t think I REALLY know it. I hope this makes sense to somebody??

It didn’t come out of the blue…you know, one of those ‘something is coming to the surface’ things has been building for quite a while now. And I think I finally got my answer last night & I really don’t know where to go from here.

I was actually dying at one point during my trauma. I didn’t actually die & come back to life..it was more of a, the process of dying of was interrupted, situation.

Of course over the years this has had its’ complications for me, but mostly it’s a very peaceful memory, incredibly sad, but peaceful non-the less & hasn’t warranted any real attention over recent years, until now. And I believe it is the source somehow.

I’m wondering if anyone else can relate, been in a similar situation or has any advice, knowledge or direction that they can give?

Thanks...very much appreciated.

Cheers :tup:

 

[Chava]

In a sort of literal way, I didn't feel like I was really alive sometimes, or I landed in an alternate universe, after a couple of my early traumas put me on life support for a while. Not sure if it was the one I remember better, or others or totally other traumas, but there has always been a sort of bubble feeling, and me not feeling real, alive, or connected to some extent. I think in a more general way, trauma disconnects us from ourselves so it really does not feel like I'm alive sometimes, simply because I'm so numb or detached. I don't think I needed near death (though that was there) to have that feeling. But on the deeper level, it's sometimes like I'm not convinced I made it. Or I cheated my way back into a body.

No quick answer for any of it. I'm just working at tolerating present experience better, more rationally and kindly, and also try to create or allow for more good or alive feelings (since those are sometimes harder to tolerate than suffering or pain or numb or near dead). I lived near dead quite a while with anorexia and alcoholism, so I have perpetuated feelings of suffering on the edge, not dying but not living. So many shades of how this all works. Feeling "alive" and feeling "real"....hard for normal people sometimes, I'm sure, and certainly more mixed up with a nervous system stuck in trauma states.

Realizations really never help me feel very differently (though some realizations peel back shame, whatever, and allow a lot more healing). But mostly it seems I have to really gradually embody the changes.

 

[anonymous]

The sense of information 'bubbling' out of me first came, when I was surprised that I have was alive, especially after first having sex, which in childhood sexual abuse almost killed me.

I have been surprised that I have been alive after I learned how to believe in myself, enough to tell the truth-which went unstated that my life would be threatened if I put my memories-that bubbled out of me, to words.
What bubbled out at that time, was also fearing for my life, that I shared the secret.

It seems that the bubbling out of me, my body releasing the information, that my mind listens to, and makes sense of, seems to come in dreams, or when I approach or move through an event, very similiar to the trauma.

I like how you used the term, bubbling; it is fitting, to my experience too. It is nice to know someone else who has a similiar experience.

 

[tacit]

Thanks @Chava..really helpful to hear how it is for you..& can relate a lot.

But on the deeper level, it's sometimes like I'm not convinced I made it

Isn’t that the weirdest thing? I can remember over the years different therapists saying at one time or another, “But, And or simply, You survived.” I always thought that was such a strange thing to say, especially when clearly not everything did. I get the whole ‘you survived’ as in it happened then & is not happening anymore or now concept. But ‘you survived’ just doesn’t seem to compute. For me it’s not in a numbing, surreal or dissociative way but rather just a plane, straight forward – I don’t get it.

The past few weeks I’ve become aware that some depersonalisation and/or derealisation work might be in order (not that I know what that is yet??..probably more of the same) & I suspect there is an ‘emotional part’ at play here. But I also believe that this is rooted in the complex part of Complex PTSD rather than the PTSD part. It seems incredibly similar to the blank I had regarding confidence.

I agree realisations in themselves aren’t particularly helpful but I do believe they aluminate a key. To which lock & what it opens seems to be another thing entirely though. But always worth it when you there in the end ;).


I just had a thought…look out??. Maybe it would be helpful to start looking into what it actually does mean to be alive & maybe the disconnect or hole will reveal itself??

Couldn’t hurt…surely?? Could at least give the basis for an ‘ah ha’ moment to present itself & keep nudging me forward.

Anyone have any insights in this context, into what it means to be alive?

 

[anonymous]

Yes, many circumstances where I was surprised that I was alive; they seem to come bubbling out of me after I approach or move through an event that relates to my traumas. They come bubbling out of me, too.

 

[RussH]

I know for me I never questioned whether I was physically alive or not, but I do understand that there was a period where I simply existed. I was physically alive, but emotionally or otherwise, not so much.

 

[greycrayon]

this absolutely makes sense to me...i have been feeling this for many years, unable to put it down into words...thanks you my friend. I also have a sense, just had an episode quite bad where it seems that though I mentally dont have thoughts about suicide, emotionally I'm geared towards shutting myself down/ eliminating myself...like its a hardwired program. I think you put it just right with 'the process of dying, interrupted' like I have cheated my fate.

 

[LifeInterrupted]

I know for me I never questioned whether I was physically alive or not, but I do understand that there was...

I can definitely relate to this. I feel like this ALOT. My body moves and I see everything all around me like it's a movie playing. I don't feel "real" or present, and yet somehow I'm there. When people talk, sometimes I don't hear a word they're saying. My brain is focused on "why is he / she talking to me?" "I'm not really here am I?"

Many days "existing" seems like hard work... Every time your eyes open long enough for your brain to realize this day will be like all the rest ... You want to close them again hoping life is just a bad dream.