General I Don't Think I Understand The Concept Of Isolating

[StormySea]

Thank you for this thread. I was wondering about this topic as well. My sufferer physically isolates which is easy for him to do since we don't live together. I was curious about how that works when people are married. I have a feeling the longer you've been together, the more a sufferer might be able to mentally instead of physically isolate. I almost wish he could get to the point where he's totally bored with me and I have no surprises for him so that I'm less of a stressor.

 

[Deleted member 37343]

Thank you for this thread. I was wondering about this topic as well. My sufferer physically isolates...

If this helps.. with my best friend, it took about a year and a half for me to even start to be calm or relax around her.. Before I'd want to be alone during my hard times no matter what, but now she can gently ask if she can sit with me to make sure I'm safe, or if she can offer help.. and I'm less resistant to her company. I can also trust that if I don't want her to, then she'll leave me alone and be in the room over just in case something does happen, she's there. If I want to go on a walk, she'll decide if I'm well enough to and usually insists she joins along(though usually when I'm having a hard time I like to stay put.)

When it comes to those days where I just want to be alone.. she respects that and it makes things easier for both of us. She doesn't fight it when I need the space which in turn makes me okay with "isolating with her." If that makes sense.

 

[StormySea]

If this helps.. with my best friend, it took about a year and a half for me to even start to be calm or...

That does help. Thank you.

 

[grimalkin]

My sufferer's current episode is the first since we've been together where he's trying to physically isolate. Looking back, he's mentally isolated a lot, I just thought it was him being an ass.

We're lucky in that we don't have kids and we have a spare bedroom, so he's sleeping in the spare room. He has his own office. I have my own office (we live in Arizona - we have a three bedroom house that has an "Arizona room" which is WONDERFUL for having an extra office space. This is very common here, apparently, and has been a godsend). He'd like to be able to be completely alone, but finances just don't allow him or me to move out. So, while I'm at work, he can isolate how much he wants. If he needs more time, he can ask me to stay out after work and entertain myself. Not ideal (for him), but better than being up in each others' grills all day. Days I have off are hard on him, so I'm going to have to start going out more.

I wish I had learned more about PTSD before our current crisis - he told me he needs alone time, but I didn't GET it. I didn't understand the hows and whys, and I'm a fixer - if something is broken in a relationship, I wanted to fix it, which means talking. Yeah, that doesn't work. Had he just put the name to his trauma aftermath, called it PTSD, I could have learned more, earlier, but it was always "This is just how I am. I'm an ass."

I swear, every day is like a new revelation, the more I read and learn. And every day, I feel more guilty for not knowing this is what it was from the beginning, and, yes, not listening to him when he tried to tell me without actually telling me.

 

[Ronin]

And every day, I feel more guilty for not knowing this is what it was from the beginning, and, yes, not listening to him when he tried to tell me without actually telling me.

No reason to feel guilty, you didn't know, and you work your hardest at learning. That's commendable.

 

[MoriMermaid]

@Nimali I'm undiagnosed, but I've experienced the same thing with a close male friend of mine. I have male-based trauma, and it's been almost a year since we met. I still have trouble with being comfortable or feeling that he's left permanently when he's not around which does leave me bit rattled. He has been a gentle person to me which has helped as well as helped with trust, unconditional love, and well as a lot of things I thought I'd forgotten like feeling love from others. I've been unable to explain to him about my issues though and about how it still affects me. Don't really know how to explain that he isn't the trigger yet triggers me. Hope I'm not hijacking the thread here.

 

[grimalkin]

Don't really know how to explain that he isn't the trigger yet triggers me.

I have a feeling that's what it is for (almost-ex) husband and I. Love and responsibility and feeling needed, and feeling need, are all triggers for him. So, my very existence is a trigger, but not. He has no idea what to do with unconditional love. Throughout our relationship, he's been able to keep the triggers at bay for the most part. But right now, after a year of constant stress, his "stress cup" is at the bottom of a lake.

So, the only "safe" thing for him is to run. Sucks for both of us, but nothing I can do about it.

 

[MoriMermaid]

@grimalkin Yeah. The only safe thing I can do right now since I was triggered is to keep taking it slow. Sometimes when I'm in a triggered state, there's trouble with remembering who he is. My trauma history spans 22 years off and on so it's not a fast process. The only thing you can do should you choose is to love him and take care of yourself. Remember where your limits are. Being with this friend helped me to realize that I wanted to change so that I could enjoy the months and maybe years we have left since he was diagnosed.

 

[grimalkin]

@MoriMermaid We're kind of forced to take it slow. He's made his decision that we're done as a couple, but we are good friends still. Of course, I heard this before, about his second ex-wife, "We were better as friends."

Anyway, we aren't in a financial position to split up the household just yet. Good on him for being able to stick it out, but with the "responsibility" and "love" gone, so are the majority of his triggers. So I do what I can to minimize my contributions to his triggers, he realizes he can't just dump me and move on.

Still love him, but exactly. Have to take care of myself first, and carry on my life.

 

[Sam0012]

I've read all kinds of different supporter experiences with their SO isolating. The closest thing I...

Hello. I live with my bf who has PTSD and when he isolates it's for a few days and by phone when he goes to work. Even if I try to speak to him about food because he stops eating or taking s nice hot shower with me which he also stops I honestly start to feel lonely and s horrible person. I am new to this we've been together for a year and I my self have bipolar depression so it kinda hurts emotionally because sometimes I don't remember half of the things we argue about or is even said that triggers him. I'm also going through something now where his friends and family see nothing wrong with him I don't even think they know because he barely speak to them but I have been told he loves his job more away from me then being home. He seriously makes me feel like he hates me and I have asked so many times why do you want me to stay if you can't stand me it's really hurting me as much as I try to help or try to move on. It lead to him being unfaithful to me and I forgave him because I felt it was my fault from pushing him away and trying to leave because I honestly didn't know what to do with him or my self emotionally. There's alot I don't know about PTSD and there's alot I'm trying to learn about my bf still a year later because of isolation. He's isolating right now as I write this. It's been honestly really crazy lately over him trying to be social in his life planning Hangouts and then canceling the same day accusing me of being the reason why he can't have a social or normal life. I stopped being social for him because he liked staying home and now I can't even get him to enjoy his days off with me I sit here alone for months trying to figure out if I leave am I careless?, and if I stay am I wasting my time because he doesn't want to open up to me at all unless it's about video games and his friends.... I'm on a thin line my self when it comes to my bipolar stuff. I feel like I'm drowning just to satisfy him. Hope this helps and if it doesn't I'm sorry for writing so much I literally looked this up because I have no one to speak to. Thank you.

 

[Buttercup]

@Sam0012 I am so sorry you're going through this difficult time. You really need someone to talk to. Do you have any friends and/Or family as a support system? Do you go to therapy? This place is a good start but you need something for yourself IRL as well.

:hug: