I don't think i want to go on

[frogthroat]

I went to T tonight and everything was about the complete lack of motivation and how you can do whatever you want. I struggle with this concept
I've been dealing with identity theft and I've been fine for a whole year. As soon as I got out of session I received an email about my credit being checked by a company unbeknownst to me. Tomorrow I have to call them and then go to the police probably and update my initial report.
I'm completely shut down and having a binge drinking fit. I can't calm down. All I can think about is how If I can't allow myself to love or be loved or be motivated how I can I live in this fog forever? All I feel like I do is fight through pain and it never ends. Logically, I know I can't expect that but I'm tired.
My goal this week is to clean my apartment. She wants to help me get my art out there if It's actually good to make more money but in a way I don't care. I just don't want to feel this bad anymore. Nothing feels good. I'm trying so hard but nothing brings relief. I just want it to be over.

 

[Joan]

That is a lot of tough things! Try to be kind to yourself. I totally identify with those feelings. You also state you are tired and drinking so hoping that you can get some rest and give yourself some time and space. Take sweet care of yourself.

 

[ben1982]

I had feelings like that at one point. And yet... it did get better in time. First things first. Put down the bottle. It doesn't help you. It only makes things worse. If you can do that, consider it your first victory. Baby steps! You're stronger than you think. You can do this. Many of us been through hell and came back again. I know it's hard. But it's not impossible. And who knows how many beautiful things the future can bring. Don't give up. You're not alone. And it will get better.

 

[Tinyflame]

@frogthroat , hi.

What a horrible amount of stress and so many triggers, by the sound of it!!! :(

We often hear or see 'things will get better'- they will. But I think what is left out is, 'when we begin to learn how to change our thoughts'. And the emotions will follow. But 'time' itself was never the answer. I think that's what they mean by 'processing trauma'. Not white knuckling or self condemnation, and not ending with naming our current (and very familiar) emotions that exist because of the pain, grief, horror and hopelessness. We learn. Our perspective changes, how we see ourselves and others does change- so much changes, all for the better. We don't know what we'll learn until we learn it! If we knew we wouldn't feel this way now.

You mentioned before you are working on this stuff in a new way, and so at the beginning it seems impossible. Especially with years or a lifetime of managing and applying what doesn't really work to change it or get rid of it.

You will be able, start with what helps you have the clearest thoughts, the best physically for your body, and add in patience that it's a slow process to change the thoughts but will feel much faster because you are and will be going in the right direction.

You have already made much progress to post this and other posts, to stay here, to identify what you're feeling when you posted, and to be honest, including about drinking to drown it.

If there is only one book I could recommend get How I Stayed Alive While My Brain Was Trying To Kill Me (I think is the title). And keep going to T and posting. I hope you will stay. :hug:

FWIW many of us ended up here because we were at the end of our rope or some other tipping point where what we used to get by no longer worked. It's ironically a good place to start, I think. Just like if you get lost flying a plane it's recommended you correct 180 degrees, not in small increments of what you think is where you should be (it will get you further lost).

 

[Happyplace76]

Hi @frogthroat I don't really have much to add that can help you but just know you're not alone, I'm feeling more hopeless as time goes by myself... but I also remember other times things seemed impossible (not as bad as this time though) and things got better. Sometimes even a few days can make a difference. What I keep telling myself, it keeps me alive day by day. Junebug had a lot to say, glad I read it, because it helped me too this morning @Junebug

 

[Muttly]

It sounds like you are in a hard place. And maybe there's a lot of hopelessness going on? How are things going now? It's been a few days since you made this post. Do you know what might help you get through right now?

 

[frogthroat]

I'm okay. I hit a rough patch and I fall into despair immediately because it's all I've ever known. I do occasionally fall back briefly into bad coping mechanisms (drinking, overeating) but not like it was. I have to learn how to manage that when it comes through. I get discouraged because I learned the wrong ways to handle things the first 18 years of my life and perpetuated that until I hit about 25.
T wants to know what I want to with my life and what I'm going to do to make more money. I'm still deeply depresses but she told me too it's all I've ever known. She said because of my upbringing and all the abuse I gave up thinking anything could ever be better. That's true. She says I'm making huge progress but it's not fast enough for me and I worry if I've been depressed for all 30 years of life and can I get out now? Even if I work as hard as I can will I get out of here? How will I know? What will it feel like?
She said if my art's any good then she would mine helping me to set up my own business doing commissions. I've also thought about welding because that's always something I've been interested in but I have reservations because I'm a woman and I'm afraid no one will hire me just for that reason but I might just be fretting.
You know I'm realizing the living in the wild west thing hasn't really ended. I have to survive and it's hard. I have to try to find some joy in things or I'll die. Life isn't bad right now but you never know when it will change. It's good to have skills. It's good to have work. I just don't have the strength or confidence at the moment to pursue such an undertaking. I have to make a commitment to keeping a schedule and getting better. I don't want to end up like Anthony Bourdain - who was a success and still ended up taking his life. Depression is something you have to take really seriously. I don't think I ever thought about it with such starkness before.

 

[frogthroat]

FWIW many of us ended up here because we were at the end of our rope or some other tipping point where what we used to get by no longer worked. It's ironically a good place to start, I think. Just like if you get lost flying a plane it's recommended you correct 180 degrees, not in small increments of what you think is where you should be (it will get you further lost).

Thanks for the book recommendation. I will check it out. I'm not anywhere near as bad as I was when I first started posting on here. I'm still not 100% but I'm not going to learn all the life skills I need in 5 months. I wish I could because this shit is getting expensive but what I can I do. I'll be worse off if I don't get this help.
My T is good she doesn't believe people should have to be in therapy for 5 to 10 years and she knows I'm trying really hard. All the processing is overwhelming. I'm bad with change and I'm bad with knowing what I want to a degree. I know the things I won't put up with more than I know what I want to do but at least I'm thinking about what I want to do and I just stop if it gets frustrating.
Trauma work is exhausting and you really have to face up to things about yourself that embarrass you but it's been good to be confronted with that.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yep, that part is good. The rest- not so much.