Sexual Assault I Don't Understand What Happened

[nadaknowhow]

Hello all, I'm here to share my story and ask for advice. I'm still struggling to understand what happened.
A few months ago I sparked a conversation with a guy in my class, we hit it off, and we made plans to hang out in my dorm that night. He brought rum and I had mixers, we played music and shared experiences. I'd done one shot and had one drink, which he'd poured, with little rum in it, but I began feeling very strange soon after, considering the small amount I'd had to drink and my relative tolerance.
My memory gets spotty. I remember stumbling around the room, unable to find my balance. I remember feeling almost paralyzed while we made out, not enjoying it but not feeling like I knew how to say "no" either. My memory from that night after my first drink is very spotty, almost like it comes I'm flashes, and not even like a real memory (if that makes sense). The last thing I remember is leaning over the sink and trying to get him to leave. I do have a faint memory of him doing out the door, but without any of the things he'd brought to my dorm so he probably came back.
When I woke up, I was in my bed and I was naked with a blanket over me. Although disconcerted that I couldn't remember the night before, I chalked it up to having too much, even though I hadn't actually had a lot to drink. The hangover felt as if I'd gotten the flu, and then my case of the flu had gotten the flu. I was sick for at least 36 hours afterwards.
Months later, I realized what had happened may have been sexual assault. I realized this after learning the symptoms of being roofied and comparing them to my own experience that night. Things began to piece themselves together, like how my phone was hidden in a drawer and I have no memory of putting it there, and how my private area felt very raw and sensitive when I first woke up.

After writing it out, it's clear that something happened. But when I think back, I almost have a sense of numbness and indifference. Shouldn't I feel something stronger about this happening? Also, why did it take me so long to realize that I'd been assaulted, isn't this the kind of thing you immediately recognize? Sorry for the long post.

 

[Deleted member 37474]

Hello all, I'm here to share my story and ask for advice. I'm still struggling to understand what h...

I am so sorry this happened to you. I felt indifferent about my college rapist for 24 years. Then it all came back to me in the form of ptsd last fall. You may feel numb because you are in shock that you were violated and powerless in the situation. I coped by changing my story in my head to a brief non-consensual sex that was just an "accident." Unfortunately, the real version is terrifying, and I am just now coming to terms with it and it has unknowingly affected my entire life in a negative way. So please, don't be afraid to talk to someone. A therapist or trusted person on campus. Please don't bury it. No good will come of that.

 

[Sideways]

I'm sorry that you've had this experience. Having been roofied myself, it can make you feel incredibly vulnerable to not know what happened. The crap part about those drugs is that no matter how much therapy we throw at it, we're always going to have memory gaps. Trying to fill them is just as likely to lead to our brain filling in the gaps with whatever might make sense, which is even worse than not knowing. It's not the same as other types of amnesia from trauma that mght be dissociative. With drugs and alcohol it's unlikely to come back fully ever. And that's awful.

There's something really dehumanising about the thought that someone has had sex with me and I don't remember but they do. So be gentle with yourself. I get how it feels.

The only piece of advice I'd offer, is try and heal from this experience based on how you feel, not based on what you might be able to figure out. Your feelings are valid, no matter what happened.

This is in no way intended to minimise your experience, but based on what you've said (and this is based only on your post, so I don't know much about you, him, or what happened), there's other possible explanations that don't end in sexual assault, and it's going to make it harder for you to heal from this experience and move forward if you "talk yourself into" particular versions of events that aren't necessarily true.

For example, it's possible the drink (being mixed) was stronger than you realised (guys often make drinks too strong for girls, not always intentionally- they handle more alcohol than females), and that the flu-like symptoms were actually you being unwell, and that alcohol + poor health = much less able to tolerate the usual amount of alcohol. A lot of the drugs used as roofies don't leave you feeling ill at all, you know? And if you don't remember the night well, it's possible that you did have more to drink... Idk.

There are infinite possibilities. And like I said, it's truly awful not knowing. My experience was years ago, and I still want to know. I still feel like I have a right to know. So I get the distress those question marks cause. But honestly, if you don't know what happened, it won't help to fill in those balnks unless you know you've got it right. I'm guessing there's no chance this guy would talk to you about what happened?

Either way, it's a distressing experience, so give yourself permission to feel what you feel and gently heal from that.

 

[FireSign8]

I learned the hard way to never ever allow anyone else to pour a drink for me or open a bottle of beer. I've been "dosed" too many times to count, so when I tell you that you got ROOFIED I think I know what I'm talking about. You may need to talk to a therapist if your flashbacks turn into anxiety attacks. No need to invite that guy over again & he knows it, so I guarantee you he will be sending over a different guy or even a female friend next time in order to lure you into another dangerous situation. Get selfish with yourself & learn how to stay safe in a world of predatory animals who only see you as a piece of flesh. That's the real world. Have only small gatherings with TRUSTED friends if you must drink or learn to drink alone. It took me many years to stop my own vicious cycle of self abuse & now I can look back & see the mistakes I kept repeating that put me in dangerous situations. It's not your fault, so learn from it. You are lucky to still be alive & not chained as a sex slave in the back of a trailer truck!

 

[J'qel]

Firstly-not your fault.

I understand what people are trying to say, but it can come across as victim blaming and I want you to know that that isn't the case.

I think they're more trying to make you aware that being out and social is a lot more dangerous than we'd like to believe.

I've been roofied twice, both with my husband in attendance, lucky me. Luckier still because I do *not* have the typical reaction, I usually end up with a high grade fever (needing an ice bath) and pain, in addition to the spotty memory and everything being blurry and nonsensical.

Unfortunately there's easy access to drugs, especially those that can be used with alcohol to heighten their effects.

You should talk to someone, try to find out what *did* happen, since it sounds like you have no idea. A lot of things could have happened, but that doesn't mean they all did. Even if things were in different places and you felt tender or raw, that doesn't mean that he did actually assault you. Yes, he may have, but you may have also done something else while out of your mind. That's scary on it's own, but while I wholeheartedly support victims of assault, you're not even sure if anything did happen, other than being tender and things being moved around. There are a lot of ways those could have happened.

I'd say you need to find out first if anything did happen. It's entirely possible you may have thrown up on yourself (you mentioned being sick) and removed your clothes, you may have injured yourself in the process, or become overstimulated to the point of tenderness. You may have moved things around in a drugged, drunken stupor, because drunk and drugged people don't often make sense (speaking as someone who found a phone in the freezer the morning after having more than a few drinks).

Ask around, try to figure it out first, then decide what you're going to do about it other than preventative.

I do suggest a therapist, they may be able to help you work things through, or even help you remember.