Childhood I don't understand why I feel like this

[flowerapple]

Hi.

I've experienced multiple traumas, all of which are either sexual assault or sexual abuse while I was a child. The thing is that I know I should be angry at all of them or have some feeling related to that, and I kinda do for the most part.

But for some reason, one of them who was probably the worst of them because it was happening for a long time, and he did a lot of horrible things, but I don't hate him at all. I know that I should and I tell myself that I should but I just don't. Instead, I actually miss him, and wish I could go back to him, even though I know I shouldn't because he wasn't a good person, but I can't help it. I mean while it was all happening, I hated him at first, but after a while, I don't know, but I started to like him and eventually I actually loved him, even though I hated what he was doing and making me do. And for some reason I still do love him despite all of what he did. It makes me feel horrible because I know I shouldn't feel like this, but I do and I can't seem to get rid of it. I don't know but it's almost like I separated him from what he did and look at them separately. I hate that I feel like this though, I hate that I loved him then and still love him now, and that I miss him, and that I wish I could go back to him.

I am just wondering if anyone else has felt like this, and if so, is there anything that you do that helps you deal with feeling like this? Or, how do you handle that feeling?

 

[Kubash16]

I completely get this. Sometimes this stuff isn’t black and white. I think the biggest issue is those of us who were abused for long periods compare ourselves to those who had maybe a single rape from a stranger. It’s easier for them to have a surefire hate for that person because that’s all they know of them, which totally makes sense. But I think in our case the complication happens when we know our abuser for a long period of time and that person does “nice” things as well. I think what you are feeling is entirely normal.

 

[Mach123]

Good and bad get mixed up when a child is introduced to sex. I was at a very early age. I knew that felt good. Then I was taught to hide it, which meant it was bad or naughty. The grown ups aren't supposed to know.

So now I'm in love with bad or naughty. Children aren't equipped to deal with these feelings and choices.

In my adult self I've had to live with the compulsive re enactment so I could experience those feelings over and over I never moved beyond it.

Yes, I know I'm not supposed to feel like that. Not only is that how I feel, that's all that I feel.

 

[flowerapple]

But I think in our case the complication happens when we know our abuser for a long period of time and that person does “nice” things as well.

For me that's my problem too because he would do nice things sometimes. But everyone thinks that I should hate him, and if I don't then I must have wanted it. But it's just that they don't know about all those other nice things he would do. I just don't know what to think about all of it, because I know it's sick and bad but sometimes I would actually look forward to what he would do, and I mean the horrible things not the nice things, and I don't know why. I think something may be wrong with me.

Yes, I know I'm not supposed to feel like that. Not only is that how I feel, that's all that I feel.

That's the case with me too. I know I should hate him, but I don't and I feel the exact opposite of that because I actually love him, and I shouldn't. I hate what he did, but I don't hate him. It was only in the beginning that I did hate him, but after a while I started to love him and now that's what I always feel.

 

[Kubash16]

You aren’t alone :hug:

 

[Deanna]

I think counseling would benefit you. What counseling helps me with is separating the different emotions. To know which ones are real.

 

[flowerapple]

I think counseling would benefit you.

I am in counselling, but I just don't know how to bring it up. It's embarrassing to say out loud and I'm afraid of my T's reaction.

 

[Kubash16]

I am in counselling, but I just don't know how to bring it up. It's embarrassing to say out loud and I'm afraid of my T's reaction.

Can you write it down and give it to your T? Either in session or beforehand via email. That way there is a separation that, trust me, makes a big difference and helps a lot.

 

[Deanna]

I am in counselling, but I just don't know how to bring it up. It's embarrassing to say out loud and I'm afraid of my T's reaction.

U need to tell your T. It may be embarrassing to you but we know where you stand, but he ( or she) does not. It needs to be said. There is no judging in counseling, period.

 

[Mach123]

You need to be with a trauma therapist. It can be a very difficult process. I'm sorry you have to go through it. It has to come out.

 

[flowerapple]

I think I'll try writing it down and then give her the paper when I go because I don't think I will be able to say it to her.

 

[Kubash16]

I think I'll try writing it down and then give her the paper when I go because I don't think I will be able to say it to her.

This is what I do and it makes a world of difference.