I Don't Understand

[Deleted member 1860]

I don't understand why suicide is so wrong.

I have been suffering for so long, and it seems that no matter what I do, things just don't get better long term. I've tried so many different types of therapies, but the flashbacks never seem to abate. I had hopes at one point of being self-sufficient, but I don't ever think that is going to happen. I'm such a joke. I've graduated at the top of my class a number of times yet I am a failure in the eyes of the world. (Don't believe me? What is one of the first questions that you're asked by someone new at any sort of social event? Uhm, that would be "what do you do?" We are judged by what we do, and since I am incapable of doing anything, I am a failure.)

I am alone and will be for the rest of my life. I scare anyone and everyone away because of how horrible I act. Nobody wants to deal with someone with PTSD of my type. Stemming from this, I have nobody who would hurt if I was gone. I don't have any friends, and my family hates me. And yes, I know I'm disliked here, too. Really, I'm not stupid.

What the hell am I holding on for?

Please don't give me the "things will get better" line. They don't. Maybe for you they do, but for someone as horrible as me, they don't. If reincarnation is possible I was probably some horrible dictator in a past life who killed innocent people. Or something like that.

 

[Red Feather]

Hugs ScaredofLonely. I am sorry you feel so bad about yourself. I don't hate you. I won't give you the "things will get better" line if you don't want to hear it.

I hate it when people ask me "what do you do?" Even my daughter asked me once, "did you get a profession yet?" And I was like... so in your eyes being an artist is not a profession? And since getting PTSD I can't even pursue that anymore.

I don't understand why suicide is wrong either. I just feel it.

My grandfather killed himself. My mother was around when he locked himself in the bathroom after taking poison. And she heard him how he was screaming and going insane, tearing down the bathroom sink because the poison made him so thirsty.

Don't want to scare you with that. I struggle with a lot of the same thoughts. Hope you can find a way to know that you are really worth it. I mean about feeling better.

 

[DharmaGirl]

F*uck other people. I tell them, "I'm a nurse and I'm on disablilty right now". I like you SOL, you are very direct and say what you think.

 

[JustBe]

FWIW, I just figure that I don't want to add to the negative energy in the universe and while I live and try to improve I am at least not hurting anyone.

 

[vikingr12]

I have seen that shotgun barrel many times and thought why not? It would take away the pain. What keeps me here is just the possibility that I might get better, and I am somewhat better, and my friends and brothers and sister would be horrified. In airborne training they had an expression: There is always one more thing to do. That notion stops me too. There is.

 

[Britt.f7]

Scared Of Lonely, today I had a friend private message me on facebook that he was not going to go on. He was saying goodbye. I haven't seen him in almost 30 years, but he contacted me a few months ago via facebook. I have a call into the police in his town. They said they would do a wellness check. It has been over an hour and I have not heard anything.

I do know what it is like to be suicidal. I've tried before. This year I came close. Now I have family that would miss me, my husband and children, but felt they would be able to handle it. I didn't feel I had anyone the first time. I still think about dying on a daily basis, but I do not want it to be from my hand(or another's for that matter), because I don't want to leave behind the guilt and anger. Frankly, I think there are many subtle ways we go about trying to die. I, obviously, have absolutely no room to judge anyone.

I am sorry for what your mom experienced. I am sorry that you lost your grandfather. Even if you didn't get to meet him, you still share in the memory of that event. Your mom would have, unintentionally, passed it down. You don't go through something like that without it effecting your personality.

I won't tell you things will get better if only you allow them to. Especially while I am holding on to hope that things will improve the horror of my mind. I guess, despite my willingness to die, I am trying for life.

People have a hard time with murder. This year it occurred to me that suicide was murder only of yourself. While I greatly believe that you should have say over all parts of your physical, emotional, mental being, I believe this to be so. Many people find it to be a sin. Of course, if you do not believe in a God, then that won't matter. However, if you do, my sister, who reads the bible daily and who vows to know this, said that in no part of the bible did it say anything about suicide. Can't quote me on that because I truly don't know. What I do know is that "though shall not murder" is one of the ten commandments and if God doesn't want you to kill someone else I doubt he would want you to kill you.

Now, regardless if you believe in God or not, no one knows for sure what happens when you die. What if you end up hurting more where ever it is you go? See, that is one question that is holding me back. I know there are people that have said they have seen the light and people who have faith. I truly want to believe that we won't hurt anymore, but I don't know for certain. Then there is that question from my psyche doctor, "if you knew that there was nothing more then death, would you still want to die?".

So, as I am sitting here waiting for news of someone who has become an online friend, I want you to remember that there are people on here that care about you. We still count. We may not be able to physically hold you, but we hold you in spirit. You are not alone. You are never truly alone. You do matter to someone. Right now, you matter to me.

I wish you healing.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I like you. I am sad you feel so down. I encourage you to hang on and do not give up. Big hugs.

 

[Hashi]

I don't want to add to the negative energy in the universe and while I live and try to improve I am at least not hurting anyone.

I agree.

In airborne training they had an expression: There is always one more thing to do. That notion stops me too. There is.

I wouldn't use these same words but this resonated with me. There's something about unfinished business.

I also think if reincarnation is possible and I don't keep going in this life, I'll just have to come back and start at the beginning again next time. If I make some progress in this one, maybe the next one won't be so bad.

It's really hard though, SoL, and I do understand what you wrote. (Although I think you're too hard on yourself in what you say about yourself, and might not be right in what you think others think of you. I don't dislike you.)

I don't think suicide is a sin but I think it's our nature to try everything we possibly can to avoid it. In the end, I think we keep hanging on because there's something in us that drives us to. Not just a survival instinct but an instinct to keep trying. Maybe there's something we can't understand, a reason why to keep trying is so important that we're driven to do it.

 

[Autumncolors]

Scaredofloney, I understand your despair and understand why you want to exit this world. I won't give you any Pat answers. Being isolated with no job and having no since of purpose often gets me to the place you are in right now..I hear you! I hear your anger! I feel your loneliness!

You have a purpose whether you can feel it or not! It's hard to have a vision for the future in this state! I don't know what your purpose is, but you are not hated by me and I look forward to reading your post. What type of PTSD do you have? Have you contacted ITT..Did the treatment wear off? I'm not a huggy person, but Hugs!

 

[Autumncolors]

Scaredoflonely, ..Earlier this year, my brother killed himself. I think all the things you mentioned in your post were contributing factors. I believe My brother had PTSD just like me but undiagnosed. He self medicated with drugs and alcohol and drove everyone who loved him away with his behavior. When he killed himself he believed no one would miss him and no one loved him. The funeral home was packed! So many people came out to talk about how much my brother meant to them and how he touched their lives in spite of his bad behavior. His birthday just passed in October. I understand why he did it and the pain he was in, but I also see how it effects his children, wife, brothers, sisters, and friends and our sorry ass mother.

 

[Addy]

Scaredoflonely... I'm so sorry you are so depressed that you think of killing yourself. Yet, I do not judge you for it because I attempted to take my own life 10 years ago. I felt hopeless and helpless, and I wish I could tell you that my life had drastically improved. Unfortunately, I'm still struggling to stay afloat. There are a few things, however, I have experienced related to suicide that I'd like to share...

I highschool friend of mine shot himself in the head after his girlfriend broke up with him. The whole school mourned and was in shock. Another friend of mine's brother jumped off a cliff and killed himself, leaving his sister devastated and crying in my arms. And another friend and member of a support group I attend jumped off an overpass/bridge on the highway and died, devastating his family and all the members in our group. I attended his funeral and I've never seen so many people at a funeral before, and such sadness.

These are all true stories... and I think of them often. I wonder if they are in peace or are they suffering a worse fate? I wonder how their families are doing now? I do know what it's like to think and truly believe that no one cares whether you live or die. Yet that is one of the scariest parts of depression, is that it really effects our perspective on life. I'm sure each of the people I described above thought people would get by or be uneffected by their death, and I witnessed firsthand how untrue it is.

All this said, I am concered for you. I hope you will choose life, and continue the good fight. If there is such a thing as reincarnation, they say we keep returning to earth and get the same lessons in life until we have learned them... I for one do not want to repeat 'this' life. May you be blessed with some peace in your life.