Relationship I Enabled Him To Drink

[Shadowofdoubt]

Oh my. My suffering online friend is a recovering alcoholic, dealing with a lot of stresses. Last night he told me he would tell me what happened to him, the cause of his PTSD. Then he said that he would need a drink. He is in a situation where he has no money, working on getting disability with his parents helping him.

He is around 40 and I have known him online for over a year now. I ended up wiring him so money for the sole purpose that he could by alcohol. This is the second time I've done this, the first time was a few weeks ago and he came out and asked and said he was super stressed and really needed a drink. I justified myself by saying I owed him the money as it was profit from a Minecraft server we run. We shared a good time, linking music videos to each other, etc. We talked a bit about me coming to visit him, to meet.

He ended up withdrawing some after and told me he wasn't ready to meet. I was disappointed, but understanding. I am also dealing with my own mental health issues and getting treatment.

I had asked him a couple nights ago if he ever thought he might share what happened to him with me, and then last night he had this stressor happen which resulted in me sending him funds to buy booze.

I stayed up all night with him as he told me his story, a history that took him several hours to get through, with him drinking and using his cat to help him stay grounded. I feel honored that he shared it with me, and am proud of him. It's only been in the past few months that he has told anyone at all. He first told his therapist, and then later, at the recommendation of his therapist, told his mother.

I feel a little conflicted. I know enabling the alcohol is not good, but I like it when he drinks as I feel I get to know so much more the real him, and it brings us closer. The sad thing, though, is that when he becomes sober he will likely withdraw. I guess I am curious as to people's thoughts on enabling. I am concerned that as this relationship continues to grow it may become something he 'uses' me for, and I think because of the "selfish" benefits I get of feeling closer to him I am more apt to continue to enable. But I am just in awe now that he shared his trauma, and feel that this was a very big step towards healing for him.. Thanks for listening to this long post.

 

[digger]

What part of buying alcohol for a recovering alcoholic is supportive? I honestly felt quite sick reading this post. You bought him alcohol (knowing that he's a recovering alcoholic) just so that you could get the details of his trauma out of him? Perhaps if he didn't feel that he wanted, or was able, to share it with you sober, it was because he wasn't ready to share it with you?

 

[adriftatsea]

This sounds like it could be a very one sided friendship and a toxic friendship at that. You may like it when it drinks, but that's because it isn't effecting you physically and you're getting all the benefits out of this. I'm in agreement that if he isn't willing to share information or open up sober, then he's just not ready and you could be hurting him more by encouraging this behavior and allowing his inner negative critic to eat him up even more with shame or feeling weak not only for sharing if he wasn't ready to share, but by drinking when he's admitted to being a recovering alcoholic.

If you want to be his friend you should support him and know when to tell him, that's just not a good idea or I can't do this for you because I care about you.

 

[Hope to Encourage]

In my opinion sending him money for alcohol is not only hurting him but also hurting you. Allow his Therapist to help him sort his trauma out in a supportive and sober envirement. Maybe you could help him by sending him encouraging scripture, quotes or
just funny jokes to brighten his day.
Letting him know you care about him and that he can talk to you about anything could mean the world to him. I hope you have a great day!

 

[shimmerz]

It just seems like a very crappy foundation for any friendship. If friendship is what you want, this isn't the way to build it imho.

 

[Shadowofdoubt]

Yea, it sucks. I am an adult child of an alcoholic and know better, but wasn't able to stand firm and say no, like a true friend should. It's not easy to post about and admit, but the responses do provide me with strength to do what's right in the future, and that is what I need, so thank you.

 

[darrenS]

there is no healing involved when you have to use a drug to deal with your issues, you have set up a very negative way of getting information and i can almost assure you that not only have you ensured the relationship remains sick , but you have also opened a gate that you will not be able to close . Many of us could talk about our trauma under the heavy influence of substances, but its unhealthy and creates a very vicious cycle

 

[still_i_rise]

I know enabling the alcohol is not good, but I like it when he drinks as I feel I get to know so much more the real him, and it brings us closer. The sad thing, though, is that when he becomes sober he will likely withdraw.

You know that you are harming him by enabling his drinking. You're doing it so you can get to know the "real" him. Umm....NO!!! That's selfish,needy & co-dependent. Yes alcohol can initially alleviate the anxieties but overall, in situations like this, it does way more harm than good.

You should not be relying on alcohol to build a friendship. It should be based on trust and respect and I don't see any of that from either end.

 

[Recovery4Me]

Wow, just flabbergasted. I am an Alcoholic in grateful recovery for over two decades now. The link below is for you.

http://www.al-anon.org/about-group-meetings

If you even believe that he is your friend...then try and see how long this friendship last without you supplying 'whatever' it is that he is buying. He will disappear as his friendship is with your money.

He will change the story to some other acceptable crisis IF you say no. He will be like a tick feeding on a dog. You may even call him when you read this to ask him for reassurance...he will give it in a New York Second as you are his dealer to his vice. On some level you know this...and posted this thread.

In AA many sponsors/groups encourage to let go of such enabling friends because this pattern undermines our bottoming out. Bottoming out for many is that point where we physically go through the withdrawals, face our demons and the paths laid wasted by our choices to procure. Enablers keep that reality at bay and thus some alcoholics can keep their haze that we have 'friends' and are one happy family.

However, in truth - my real companion was a substance abuse problem and those who couldn't bear to see me get sober or who I really was without my fix. That was not love, like or friendship.

Take what you need and leave the rest.~

 

[scout86]

And, from a completely different direction...... Do you actually KNOW this person in the physical world? Because as soon as someone starts coming up with reasons to ask for money over the internet, the first thing that comes to mind is "SCAM".

 

[Chava]

I stayed up all night with him as he told me his story, a history that took him several hours to get through, with him drinking and using his cat to help him stay grounded. I feel honored that he shared it with me, and am proud of him.

It's good that you can be there for him. And I don't want to spoil this moment, but as a recovered alcoholic I just want to add that none of my talking about my past while drinking or drunk did anything for me. It helped to have someone listen. But the emotions are never integrated. I can talk about any trauma when I'm drunk because I'm not feeling it, I'm detached. It did absolutely nothing to heal my past...just helped me not be so lonely while drinking.

Don't give him money to drink. It's fine that you did because that's your decision, he'd drink with or without your money. You're not making him any more of an alcoholic than he is. Just don't waste your money. Have some boundaries for yourself. Also, encourage him to talk to you when he is sober. If he can't, that wouldn't be a surprise.

Does he have help right there? One of my really good friends from years ago got back in touch with me....she was NOT doing well...we talked a lot, I listened. As a friend, I encouraged her to check herself into the hospital when it was especially bad because, as I said, "If I was right there, I would take you myself." I was worried. I supported her through her finding a therapist and going to AA...we talked a lot. But I supported her a lot in finding support right where she was. She has been doing so much better because of those connections. And we are still good friends.

 

[holdenmonty]

I'm glad that your there for him but please do me a favor and don't pay for any more alcohol for him. The reason he said he needed a drink before he told you his story is because right now it's probably to dificult for him to talk about it when he's sober and I know that when I have been intoxicated it was a lot easier for me to talk about my trauma because my mind wasn't fully there. That is probably some people tend to call alcohol liquid courage.