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I fear I'm going to kill someone

Thread starter #14
what triggers those aren't necessarily killable offenses
I hear you there. The last thing that really triggered me was not OK at all but had I karate kicked the perpetrator through the window, it would have been an over the top reaction for sure.

I am starting to know what sorts of environments to stay out of completely - like those places where it is more likely that someone is going to be mean to someone with a developmental or other disability. Those are extremely triggering for me.

So far, my therapists have not taken my concerns very seriously, though the last problem occurred after a number of traumas spanning several years and I think the attitude is that so long as I don't do anything stupid like move into a small town full of people of a completely different background from myself and stay to socialize even after watching these people hurt several people I care about, I will probably hold my cookies together...

I guess time will tell. But there is a lot of fear there for me, warranted or not. I often feel like I need to isolate if I am in even the slightest bit of an an off mood for fear that this is going to cause me to finally lose it,

Thanks for your input and honesty. I hope you are able to get some help with this. I may demand some myself.
 

Eagle3

MyPTSD Pro
#15
The thing that sets me off the worst is bullies. The kind of bully that uses intimidation or narcissistic ideals to get what they want. For some reason 😜 I feel it better to just remove a bully from existence than to try to reason with them. Have NO idea where that feeling comes from... 🙄

I hope you can find some peace around this issue, too. It's a toughy.
 
Thread starter #16
For some reason 😜 I feel it better to just remove a bully from existence than to try to reason with them. Have NO idea where that feeling comes from... 🙄
I don't have much hope for these people, either. Unfortunately, when experience says they are just going to continue to hurt people, it does sometimes seem like the best option is either to force them to get it or just remove them. It's not irrational, just illegal 😂

Thanks!
 
Thread starter #18
One of the things is that I have thought a lot about working in advocacy for disabled people, but know I cannot do it right now. I am too afraid that I won't be able to control myself if some shitty "caregiver" comes in and is clearly causing trauma...

If you look back on my life, I may look like I have all the self-control in the world. But I have this nagging suspicion that either menopause or just time and wear is going to have the whole thing blow up in a big way.

These fears have paralyzed me in a lot of ways. I don't honestly know if they are reasonable or not.
 
#19
I started doing a really good anger management course online about a year ago. It's almost free (I think $5 to register) and it's a professional anger management course (courts will require offenders to do these courses). (You can buy a completion certificate if you want, or need to for court, but don't have to.)
Anger Management | Open Path Psychotherapy Collective
I should start doing it again.
What I liked was that it wasn't superficial and it was geared at people who really do have major difficulty dealing with their anger.
 
Thread starter #20
I started doing a really good anger management course online about a year ago. It's almost free (I think $5 to register) and it's a professional anger management course (courts will require offenders to do these courses). (You can buy a completion certificate if you want, or need to for court, but don't have to.)
Anger Management | Open Path Psychotherapy Collective
I should start doing it again.
What I liked was that it wasn't superficial and it was geared at people who really do have major difficulty dealing with their anger.
Thanks. I think I'll take anxiety and stress reduction first, though.
 
Thread starter #21
I started doing a really good anger management course online about a year ago. It's almost free (I think $5 to register) and it's a professional anger management course (courts will require offenders to do these courses). (You can buy a completion certificate if you want, or need to for court, but don't have to.)
Anger Management | Open Path Psychotherapy Collective
I should start doing it again.
What I liked was that it wasn't superficial and it was geared at people who really do have major difficulty dealing with their anger.
I did register. It looks like they have a lot of useful stuff. I was more interested in the stress class just because of how much my tension is affecting my pain - and bc no one is really pissing me off at the moment 😂. Thanks again.
 
#22
This is something that happens with OCD too, another anxiety fueled disorder. Am I a Monster? Obsessions About Hurting Other People - Seth J. Gillihan, PhD No, I'm not suggesting anyone has OCD, but only that this is more common than most realize and the vast majority of people don't act on it - which is one of many possible reasons why a therapist may not have the same level of alarm.
 
Thread starter #23
This is something that happens with OCD too, another anxiety fueled disorder. Am I a Monster? Obsessions About Hurting Other People - Seth J. Gillihan, PhD No, I'm not suggesting anyone has OCD, but only that this is more common than most realize and the vast majority of people don't act on it - which is one of many possible reasons why a therapist may not have the same level of alarm.
OMG - this is me. Thank you.
OCD has been suggested for me in the past and was brought up quite recently by a psychologist.
 
#24
Yes. I was triggered last year in my relationship big time and since then when we argue my go to emotion is anger. It is an intense anger that rises and my bf is on the autistic spectrum and can obsess over issues and like to take control of situations and therefore control me. He recognises that his anxiety is a problem but he does not seem to change. He is very much "on my case" a lot of the time and his sister and brother warn him not to push me and not to keep telling me what to do. I feel like one of these days I could hit out at him but realistically I wouldn't do it. It is the intense anger that rises and we live in a small studio flat. Lockdown was interesting. Have realised I am very patient and have a lot of self control but there are times when I worry that I may lose it one day. My bf doesn't understand the concept of physical space and quite often is in my physical space especially after arguments - which I hate. Sometimes I worry that I will hit out at him. I haven't done it and I have never hit anyone in my life but I definitely think it is because he is a man. It is what he represents to me and the combination of him being a man and also being very intense and controlling at times - it is just too much sometimes.
 
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