Sufferer I Feel Alone While Surrounded By People

[Susan]

Hi there.

I have PTSD, which has resulted in offshoots of depression and social anxiety. I'm a CSA survivor, and was abused about 10 years ago. I was diagnosed a year ago and honestly, simply putting a name to how I've been feeling for the majority of my life helped a lot. I haven't been in therapy since I moved for college and I made this account on a day when it all caught up with me again and I suppose 'triggered' would be the correct word, though I don't know what caused that. Honestly I think it was a tv show, that involved still birth and breastfeeding and even though those things didn't factor into my abuse, I have a hard time seeing breast feeding as innocent for me, even though I totally support it. Breasts just seem so sexualized to me now. Most innocuous things seem so. I just felt very deadened and numb the whole day and I really want to cry but I couldn't and I nearly had an anxiety attack after class for no reason. Everything seemed to remind me of the abuse. I felt weak and foggy and far away from everything. I went to a yoga class later that day and the intensity helped enormously and allowed me to cry and feel some catharsis.

My biggest everyday symptoms are hyper vigilance (I am essentially constantly afraid I'm about to die and am convinced lingering person is about to pull a gun), exaggerated startle reflex, foreshortened future, and dissociation in triggering experiences. The other stuff comes and goes depending on the day (on aforementioned bad day, I experienced pretty much every symptom in the book). For that reason I'm not sure if I should really be here, I know my PTSD isn't nearly as bad as others, but sometimes I just need to be aware that other people understand the weird things I have trouble with and can support me in ways my friends cannot. Mostly I'm just looking for a place to understand myself I suppose.

Truly,
Susan

 

[EveHarrington]

Hi Susan and welcome to the forum!

Please don't think that you shouldn't be here because your PTSD may not be as "bad" as others. There are people here in all different stages of healing with varying degrees of symptoms. We're all here to support one another in this healing process. :)

 

[ladee]

Welcome to the forum. @EveHarrington summed it up. So hope we see you around.

 

[intothelight]

@Susan Welcome to the forum! :)

One of the great things about this site is that people here really understand the struggle. Also, trauma is trauma and no one judges any one else's as the purpose of this forum is peer support and recovery. I hope you find the site helpful.

 

[cat-lady]

Welcome, glad you are here! Yes, you should be here. I'm a CSA survivor as well. At times I also hesitated to reach out because I thought others had it much worse. I think that's a part of coming from that type of background - that we're taught to not take our serious needs and problems seriously. I wish I had reached out for help earlier. My symptoms got worse because I didn't. I also found that once I was in a CSA survivors group where I used to live, that others were thinking the same thing - that they didn't have it as bad as I did. That is something that I never thought about them though, that was their own perception. Getting away from that way of thinking that minimizes my own needs has really helped me heal.

 

[Deleted member 28403]

Welcome to the forums :hug: I hope this place helps you. It's very useful because of the bulk amount of people who feel similar and understand. There is a lot of advice and support to be found here :) I hope that this amazing community helps you as much as it helped me, reading all the similar stories, and learning a lot along the way. Hugs if you accept :hug: