I Feel Dirty..

[SharkyorBones]

Today I went out with a group of old friends...

It was a horrible experience I realise I dont like any of them and why I dont like them.

I hate being me.

I hate cptsd I hate the people who did this to me. As soon as I got home I just felt something within me break and I never want to leave this house again. There were so many memories, so much pain..

Im scared and I dont know what to do. Self soothing is helping a bit but I just need a hug or a kind word. I don't even know anymore I feel like im wrong to ask for that. Im told constantly I have to rely on only me and im the only person who can support me... why is it that when normal people cry they are hugged and told theyre loved and their problems or sadness dealt with but for me because I was abused, because they inflicted their evil upon me I have to deal with it on my own. Seems fair.

 

[Jane.l]

:hug: If u want it. I know what you mean - sometimes go out with 'friends ' and then realise I don't really connect - it's ok we are here - we get it -

 

[KwanYingirl]

I'm sending you digital hugs. I feel the same way. You deserve support and you'll find it here.

 

[SharkyorBones]

Thank you both I feel a little better now but it will be a while before I go out with anyone again.

 

[Anarchy]

Red pill moments, when we see what we'd previously taken for granted, for what it really is - they're complete sods.

Here's a digital hug if you'll accept one from me.

I'm having a similar sort of day today.

I don't think that being kind to ourselves means that we need to do it in solitary isolation.

 

[WillyKat]

First, you are not dirty. Fact.

One aspect of healing from this crap is being able to pick friends that you find supportive. Sometimes that means you have to let go of some relationships. There's nothing easy about that. The positive thing here is that you're able to recognize that these people may not be the crowd for you. That doesn't mean you have to begin disliking them. It just means that you need different friends.

If you've read Judith Herman's Trauma and Recovery, one thing we sufferers often do is constrict our lives; we stop doing things that we used to find pleasurable or avoid every situation that might trigger us. Don't get me wrong; avoidance does work, but to really heal, you need to think also about connection too. So its OK to just stay at home, but that won't do for the long term.

As some wise person once said, "you can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friend's nose." Meaning you don't need to a doormat for a friend, cuz if you are, they're not your friend.

 

[mrsps]

I know exactly what you mean about wanting hugs. Sometimes you just want to be held to feel safe and loved. Sending you a :hug:

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Who says you don't get to have support? We all deserve support! I'm not defending your friends, not in the least, but sometimes people don't know how to be supportive. Then again, there are those who are just jerks and couldn't support anyone, even if their lives depended on it! Regardless, no matter what happened to you in the past, you deserve to be supported today. If your old friends can't be supportive, I hope that at some point you feel strong enough to take the risk of making new friends who are more compassionate.

 

[Anarchy]

Meaning you don't need to a doormat for a friend, cuz if you are, they're not your friend.

Thanks for putting it into words @WillyKat

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

why is it that when normal people cry they are hugged and told theyre loved and their problems or sadness dealt with but for me because I was abused, because they inflicted their evil upon me I have to deal with it on my own.

You don't. However, you have been made to feel that way. I often feel the same way. I know, here on the forum, it's virtual friendship, but the support is real. You don't have to be completely alone, we are here with you.

 

[Kefira]

I know, here on the forum, it's virtual friendship, but the support is real. You don't have to be completely alone, we are here with you.

That. I often feel this way and have actually been really struggling with it for a few days. I used to sit with a group of "friends" who I welcomed into my home and listen to them insult me. Now that I've moved, I miss them so much. But I also know they were jerks.

@Solara is right, sometimes people just don't know what to do or say. And sometimes because of all of the crap we've had to put up with from others, we're a little oversensitive when people mean well but can't express it. But then sometimes people are just not nice.

You're not alone. And a lot of us here understand in our own ways.
:hug:s if you'll have them

 

[Intrepid]

I hate being me.

I avoided any social contact for years for that reason. I hated being me. The isolation worked. It was that or live in the craziness and not function. I don't think I had a choice. I used self soothing. That alleviated the symptoms for a while...a long while. I was patient. Maybe too patient. Who cares. I did what I needed to do to survive until I could tolerate therapy.

You are a beautiful person who deserves support, and not the fake support of creeps and criminals. I mean real support. Be patient. Once I got a therapist it took me a long time to trust her. She's patient too. (I was vulnerable and in great need. If she failed me I think I would have lived out my life in isolation, or found another therapist, of course.)