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I feel highly depressed now around my birthday

To be fair my birthdays have been rough for many years. Every time since I was 10. In different ways of course. But April is not a gentle month. More like brutal and crushing.

But this one sort of brings a feeling like I failed. Last year around April/May I was so low I was one stop from having to be hospitalized. I worked on myself during the summer in a certain, improved and got better. Then in September few setbacks and fear of being evicted and being called the worst words, and by mid-November I was back in that dark thoughts place, only worse.

With help, I pushed through December, and had a different sort of renewal in January for a bit. I took a month for health only, I was in a new relationship and very socially active and finally stable enough to believe there is a future for me. And then March.... my partner lost a job and started having his own mental health crisis and I unraveled like nothing. I think the month I took for health I didn't really use well, because I was too concentrated on being in the happy starting part of a relationship. And now my partner who is in my home country is struggling, I am stuggling, I started gaining wait, not working, sleeping too or not at all again, and I wish I'd gone to him when this started for a bit so we sort all this before it became worse for us both.

So now it's a year later. A year of trying and trying and getting better just to get knocked down like some messed up jenga or something.
I'm having really dark thoughts and I am tired of rebulding sandcasles for them to get knocked by waves again.
I need to build a future and I so don't want to start that as a non-faith person I googled christian and buddist prayers just to keep moving.
 
May you be happy, may you be healthy, may you be safe, may you be at peace

A version of the Buddhist Loving Kindness meditation. You can start it for those you love, as you feel your breath in your heart. Then spread it to those nearby and in your community. Next you can spread it to all beings and the expanse of the universe. Then you can settle it into yourself.

Best wishes.
 
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