SeekingAfrica
Diamond Member
To be fair my birthdays have been rough for many years. Every time since I was 10. In different ways of course. But April is not a gentle month. More like brutal and crushing.
But this one sort of brings a feeling like I failed. Last year around April/May I was so low I was one stop from having to be hospitalized. I worked on myself during the summer in a certain, improved and got better. Then in September few setbacks and fear of being evicted and being called the worst words, and by mid-November I was back in that dark thoughts place, only worse.
With help, I pushed through December, and had a different sort of renewal in January for a bit. I took a month for health only, I was in a new relationship and very socially active and finally stable enough to believe there is a future for me. And then March.... my partner lost a job and started having his own mental health crisis and I unraveled like nothing. I think the month I took for health I didn't really use well, because I was too concentrated on being in the happy starting part of a relationship. And now my partner who is in my home country is struggling, I am stuggling, I started gaining wait, not working, sleeping too or not at all again, and I wish I'd gone to him when this started for a bit so we sort all this before it became worse for us both.
So now it's a year later. A year of trying and trying and getting better just to get knocked down like some messed up jenga or something.
I'm having really dark thoughts and I am tired of rebulding sandcasles for them to get knocked by waves again.
I need to build a future and I so don't want to start that as a non-faith person I googled christian and buddist prayers just to keep moving.
But this one sort of brings a feeling like I failed. Last year around April/May I was so low I was one stop from having to be hospitalized. I worked on myself during the summer in a certain, improved and got better. Then in September few setbacks and fear of being evicted and being called the worst words, and by mid-November I was back in that dark thoughts place, only worse.
With help, I pushed through December, and had a different sort of renewal in January for a bit. I took a month for health only, I was in a new relationship and very socially active and finally stable enough to believe there is a future for me. And then March.... my partner lost a job and started having his own mental health crisis and I unraveled like nothing. I think the month I took for health I didn't really use well, because I was too concentrated on being in the happy starting part of a relationship. And now my partner who is in my home country is struggling, I am stuggling, I started gaining wait, not working, sleeping too or not at all again, and I wish I'd gone to him when this started for a bit so we sort all this before it became worse for us both.
So now it's a year later. A year of trying and trying and getting better just to get knocked down like some messed up jenga or something.
I'm having really dark thoughts and I am tired of rebulding sandcasles for them to get knocked by waves again.
I need to build a future and I so don't want to start that as a non-faith person I googled christian and buddist prayers just to keep moving.
