Depressed on my birthday

[SeekingAfrica]

I'm really low. It's probably my fault, I know. Last year I let my depression get to a point where I didn't get help and had to leave my apartment, the country I was in, the language I spoke, the only place that was ever actually feeling like home to me. My birth country is only bad memories for me but I live here now. I've been clawing my way out for months. Sometimes, efforts don't work out. Sometimes I slide back into so anxious or depressed I literally can't believe that I can get paid to do anything (and yes I am still teaching, just not enough students yet and this state makes it hard to seek more).
I've been tracking my mood as I do these efforts, it's pretty zig zag line, up and down constantly as I keep trying.
For few days- since Thursday- I got reminded of my lowest/worst version and I can't snap out.

Today I woke already aware I wasn't celebrating nor getting cake. I took 2 buses each way in the snow yesterday so I would have enough in my bank account for one debt payment.
Pityful amount, but regular payments to few debts even as I push other payments have been a step forward. My last cash from anything I have, and I'm using it to pay debt.
And guess what- bank took a fee, my account is still different currency (only account I still have in this country)- and with the fee I didn't have enough. Nor do I have enough for bus ticket and adding the extra 10$. So I had to explain and postpone again and I can't do anything. Last spring is when my health got this bad first. I barely remember that birthday. So having another one like this is just... it makes me want to sleep all day. I keep thinking my education was too long ago, it doesn't matter, my skills need refreshing and so many of them need to be updated. I'm away from HOME for too long and I'm scared I'm forgetting the language. There is also a lot going on politically, protests and so on and I'm afraid of how and what I will actually return to. But can't tackle that, I can't even send a debt and buy a piece of cake.
I am planning 37 to 37 list and most of it of course will be some major things like getting my own apartment again and stable OK-paid job.

There are plans. I fall, I try, I fall. I'm trying.
I know birthdays are luxary and arbitrary. That I can not celebrate, or celebrate later, or make my own cake (well, attempt anyway, I've baked cake once ever). I know everything is relative.

All I wanted was a productive day where I figure out how to pay things I can't pay this week (small stuff, but it's all big when you can't do it).
Then the payment didn't go through, and I just crashed.
I KNOW this is arbitrary and I have to get myself together if I want change. I promise I know. I'm just having a day and hoping someone, anyone, can relate at all. Not that I want anyone to feel like this. I hope this made sense. I'm just exhausted mentally.

 

[arfie]

i had my 37th birthday in 1991, i am vaguely tempted to dig through my journals to see if i wrote any of these very words that year. in 1991 my computer graphics career was crashing and burning due to carpul tunnel syndrome and untreated ptsd symptoms. hubs and i were in our most bitter separation and i was raising two sons alone. yup, my finances reflected the chaos. my two sons and i came dangerously close to homelessness in the early 90's.

fast forward to my comfortable geezer hindsight, i am pretty convinced the money was the easiest and least important piece of that chaotic equation. money is just numbers. coming from the heart is the hard part.

ya got to sing
like ya don't need the money
ya got to love
like you'll never get hurt
ya got to dance, dance, dance like there's nobody watching
ya got to come from the heart if ya want it to work

happy birthday. it is more special than it feels in the midst of chaos.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

i had my 37th birthday in 1991, i am vaguely tempted to dig through my journals to see if i wrote any of these very words that year. in 1991 my computer graphics career was crashing and burning due to carpul tunnel syndrome and untreated ptsd symptoms. hubs and i were in our most bitter separation and i was raising two sons alone. yup, my finances reflected the chaos. my two sons and i came dangerously close to homelessness in the early 90's.

fast forward to my comfortable geezer hindsight, i am pretty convinced the money was the easiest and least important piece of that chaotic equation. money is just numbers. coming from the heart is the hard part.

ya got to sing
like ya don't need the money
ya got to love
like you'll never get hurt
ya got to dance, dance, dance like there's nobody watching
ya got to come from the heart if ya want it to work

happy birthday. it is more special than it feels in the midst of chaos.

Thank you! That does sound familiar, sans kids I suppose, so respect to you. I think the worst part about the money isn't the money, but that it made me break a promise (the debt part I should have sent), got the person to get mad at me and say I'm the worst, and the worst part of it- in this state it's not hard to believe that I'm a horrible person for that chaos. And the fact that my hope is so terribly low at the moment so every step feels harder

Yup, very familiar with untreated symptoms right now.
I did something though. Made a list of things I want to do in general to get myself together (life stuff, anything from job/losing weight/doing something for a friend all the way to some health appointments and so on.
But then I made a list of stuff to actually do today, the small things that don't require money or energy I don't have.

I talked to chatgpt, which was weirdly helpful. Just did a walk. 30min at literally whatever pace I felt like. Weather was better than yesterday. I just need to believe I can do better in the coming year. It feels like I'm trying constantly yet somehow not trying enough. I\m constantly editing what I do to be nicer to myself, to be kinder, to be better at fulfilling promises, to use the resources I do have, to set goals, to keep positive, to... it just gets exhausting if I feel I'm threading water but not really getting anywhere.
But I am trying to do some things, as mentioned.

 

[arfie]

i rank lists as one of the greatest tools ever invented, but in terms of those untreated symptoms i hold them as counterproductive. lists work best for business meetings, planning and the like. for healing i need to trust the healing mysteries to guide me. if i knew what i needed well enough to make a list, those symptoms would have been healed long ago.

is treading water a bad thing? all too often, what i need is right in front of me and i can't notice because i am too busy getting somewhere. as one of my more effective alanon sponsors used to tell me often,

on your mark
get set
SIT! ! !
you are a human being, not a human doing. just be.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

you are a human being, not a human doing. just be.

I disagree about lists. It might have to do with being a visual person. It feels like if I don't have something on paper (not phone) it doesn't happen. Also I hate reality+how I feel very often right now. Lists like what I mentioned keep me to get
her because I orient myself towards what I can change, what can happen. I overthing, I get intrusive thoughts- so I bullet journal, I make lists, write quotes, track habits- as a reminder that not all is bleak and I'm moving towards better. Also to remember good memories. Sometimes I scroll on my phone gallery, but not as often. Having pictures and doddles on the small number of good things when the rest is bleak helps remind me to keep going. BUT, as contrast to that, if it's just a page of black and white text of the same size- that will not help. (unless it's ,maybe notes, but even then, I highlight to help myself). I need things visually separated and I need bullet journaling to be constant visual reminder of trying to do better. At some point last year I got too burned out for literally anything to help, but now it's slowly coming back.

Bullet journaling has also been a way to order my thoughts, I often have way too much in my head, and if I don't separate it and order it- everything gets hard and I get in worse mental state. To me it's stress-relief, to put things on paper in form I visually enjoy- that's when I am my best usually.
Bullet journaling vs. planning has been one of my best healing practices in the last years honestly:).

That being said, just to do lists- yeah, that wouldn't help, you can get yourself more overwhelmed.
I do love the saying you mentioned, which goes back to being kind to yourself- that in itself is priceless.
In short term- excellent advice. I was terrible in every way today, so I gave myself a break. I just had to.
In longer than a day term? Yes, threading water is not good, right now anyway. I'm trying to be mindful and kind and try to be aware of my days. But that can't go without goals and trying to achieve something at this moment. I just don't like where I am, and I'm alienated and I'm home sick. I need to eventually get home, and it will be easy to let myself be swallowed by day-to-day things. Hence why yes, threading water isn't great now. Everything can suck, but I don't plan on it continuing so. So yes. In a gentle and kind, but very intentional way- I do have to achieve this. Not day to day tasks, but the vision of returning home, getting apartment, finding a job, yes, that is something I have to work on daily (maybe with exceptions like today). To each their own, and do we have to constantly be doing and achieving things? No. I needed a breather, I took the day. But in general? Yes, in this case, I have to achieve this. It's my life. And I don't want to spend too much longer the way I have been whilst I was getting myself together. It's a detour from life, not what I want to be doing always. So does it need to change? Yes.

But thank you for the reminder that it's ok to take a moment. That is true too. Two things can be true at the same time.
p.s. saying this with all my respect for your wisdom and appreciation of your care to always answer my posts. Love that fact so much. I just happen to disagree somewhat in this topic. hope that's ok

 

[arfie]

Two things can be true at the same time.

truth is a multi-faceted gem. shift the perspective ever so slightly and a new facet appears, especially in matters of the heart and healing.

saying this with all my respect for your wisdom and appreciation of your care to always answer my posts. Love that fact so much. I just happen to disagree somewhat in this topic. hope that's ok

it is more than okay. well done, my healing warrior. i am not sure there is a more important art than the art of respectful disagreement.

 

[PamelaS]

I'm really low. It's probably my fault, I know. Last year I let my depression get to a point where I didn't get help and had to leave my apartment, the country I was in, the language I spoke, the only place that was ever actually feeling like home to me. My birth country is only bad memories for me but I live here now. I've been clawing my way out for months. Sometimes, efforts don't work out. Sometimes I slide back into so anxious or depressed I literally can't believe that I can get paid to do anything (and yes I am still teaching, just not enough students yet and this state makes it hard to seek more).
I've been tracking my mood as I do these efforts, it's pretty zig zag line, up and down constantly as I keep trying.
For few days- since Thursday- I got reminded of my lowest/worst version and I can't snap out.

Today I woke already aware I wasn't celebrating nor getting cake. I took 2 buses each way in the snow yesterday so I would have enough in my bank account for one debt payment.
Pityful amount, but regular payments to few debts even as I push other payments have been a step forward. My last cash from anything I have, and I'm using it to pay debt.
And guess what- bank took a fee, my account is still different currency (only account I still have in this country)- and with the fee I didn't have enough. Nor do I have enough for bus ticket and adding the extra 10$. So I had to explain and postpone again and I can't do anything. Last spring is when my health got this bad first. I barely remember that birthday. So having another one like this is just... it makes me want to sleep all day. I keep thinking my education was too long ago, it doesn't matter, my skills need refreshing and so many of them need to be updated. I'm away from HOME for too long and I'm scared I'm forgetting the language. There is also a lot going on politically, protests and so on and I'm afraid of how and what I will actually return to. But can't tackle that, I can't even send a debt and buy a piece of cake.
I am planning 37 to 37 list and most of it of course will be some major things like getting my own apartment again and stable OK-paid job.

There are plans. I fall, I try, I fall. I'm trying.
I know birthdays are luxary and arbitrary. That I can not celebrate, or celebrate later, or make my own cake (well, attempt anyway, I've baked cake once ever). I know everything is relative.

All I wanted was a productive day where I figure out how to pay things I can't pay this week (small stuff, but it's all big when you can't do it).
Then the payment didn't go through, and I just crashed.
I KNOW this is arbitrary and I have to get myself together if I want change. I promise I know. I'm just having a day and hoping someone, anyone, can relate at all. Not that I want anyone to feel like this. I hope this made sense. I'm just exhausted mentally.

On my last birthday, I was locked up in a facility. Nonetheless, I celebrated. Don’t let the negative things affect you more than the positive things. Focus on the positive because what you focus on you magnify if you focus on the negative it will become stronger and greater and come against you more. If you focus on the positive, anything positive at all in your life that you can be thankful for, that will help you to move forward. Right now it seems like you’re stuck. I don’t like to be stuck. I don’t like to go backwards. So whenever I’m capable, I always do whatever I can to move forward. I have learned that thankfulness and being grateful for anything, even the littlest thing, including having a roof over your head and food to eat, can be very beneficial. Try to focus on those things, and not the other things that will bring you down. I’m not saying, live in denial and don’t take care of yourself. But try to find things to be grateful for and try to keep your head in a positive space whenever possible. Start recognizing when you’re going negative and shift it to the positive, whenever it’s possible for you. It’s not always easy so give yourself grace and be gentle with yourself.I wish you well and hope this helps.

 

[Chesh]

Now?

YOU are owed.

One badass birthday. On any of the next 364 very merry UNbirthdays… you choose. Choose the day, and do damage & delight.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

I don’t like to be stuck. I don’t like to go backwards. So whenever I’m capable, I always do whatever I can to move forward. I have learned that thankfulness and being grateful for anything, even the littlest thing, including having a roof over your head and food to eat, can be very beneficial.

Agreed. And yes, I fully see that I am stuck right now.
Bad part is, sometimes when I am stuck, I am just stuck and it's like quicksand, it swallows me.
I am trying. I feel super lost, scared, sick and unmotivated(mostly cause I'm anxious all the time and don't think I deserve change), BUT I know something's got to give. For 2 days now I am using AI chat to clear the mess in my head and help myself take steps forward. Seems to be working, fingers crossed.
Because it really isn't about the birthday alone, it is about the not moving forward part.
It's exhausting.

Hopefully I finally am, moving forward. Though it's just first steps so maybe I shouldn't talk.
By the way that birthday you mentioned you had? Respect for that, seems like you're really stong since you moved through that and forward. Inspiring. Thank you.

One badass birthday. On any of the next 364 very merry UNbirthdays… you choose. Choose the day, and do damage & delight.

YES, please!! Not right now, but I REALLY hope this happens in the next months.