I feel like I am drowning - Pattern of falling madly in love with people who find someone else and don’t even tell me.

Have you started working on this pattern with new people in your life?


Core Belief / Lessons Learned in Trauma / Other “Due to past trauma” Qs

- Are people in your head/heart “allowed” to say “no”? Or does “no” mean you have to work harder, keep trying, focus more, devote more & more of your thoughts/feelings/time/energy to them?

- Does chasing after unattainable people (and pretending to be someone you’re not; IE doing things “as a friend” you wouldn’t do for friends, but for people you love) protect you from having to
a) be in a relationship
b) trust others with who you are, as if they reject you it’s not “you” who is being rejected, but this no-needs/wants/desires version of yourseld you show people (both as a friend &/or lover)
c)


Also, this.


Honestly, yes. I have started working on the pattern and I really thought it is different with her because for the whole of 2020 and 2021 she kept saying that she is interested in me too and just needs more time.

It was only when I found out that she had been lying all this while and sleeping with other people that she said in clear words that she does not want to be my girlfriend. But even then she keeps reaching out to me in difficult times.

I want her in all times. Not just in difficult times.

Answering the questions you posed:

1.) No, rejections are very hard for me. It is difficult to take the no.

2.)
Does chasing after unattainable people (and pretending to be someone you’re not; IE doing things “as a friend” you wouldn’t do for friends, but for people you love) protect you from having to
a) be in a relationship

I am not sure. Because I have been craving to be in a relationship since a decade or more now and these constant rejections on the same pattern, break me..piece by piece.

b) trust others with who you are, as if they reject you it’s not “you” who is being rejected, but this no-needs/wants/desires version of yourseld you show people (both as a friend &/or lover)


I guess, I don't know. Cannot think why I am doing this if I am doing this.

It feels confusing, because it's really unpleasant. No one enjoys being in this situation. So, big big emotions. It feels confusing.

But, unfortunately, it's not actually confusing. Emotions aren't facts. And in this situation, the facts are straight forward:

So, you can be her friend. Or you can not be her friend. Those are the 2 options.

If your feelings make being just friends too painful, then probably it's a rip the bandage moment and deal with the pain of having to move on.

We all go through this at some point in our life. And it sux. But there's nothing factually confusing...just extremely hurt emotions that need tending to. It's okay to be upset. Because she's moved on, and one way or another, that means you have to as well.

If you can't be friends? Tell her, and walk away. Lots of people need to choose that option to preserve their own sanity!
I am not able to comprehend it as a set of just two options. It "feels" more complex and heavier than that.

But thank you for suggesting.
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
I feel really hopeful for you. You might not feel that as you're dealing with heartbreak and this pattern which is making you feel like it will always be this way.
But I see massive hope for you. Because the future is up to you to change.

It's finding you within this and putting you in these relationships.
If you feel able to really examine your role in this. Not in confirming your unlovable core belief. But why you go all out for someone when there is evidence that love will not be returned. And why you continue to do that when they have confirmed it won't be returned.
It might feel totally unachievable. But it is.

Maybe break it down into smaller steps.
Maybe examine how you are in friendships where you aren't seeking a relationship. Are those two way? Do you express your needs there? Maybe practice with your T. Do you express your needs with T?

What makes you think you are unlovable? And what counter messages can you give yourself about that?

The future doesn't need to be how it is now. But for it to be different, you got to do things differently.

First off: what will help you heal from this heartbreak? Can you realistically be her friend right now, or do you need space from her?

I really hope you are kind to yourself and make decisions for you. Not for her. Because that will just lead to more pain.
 
I feel really hopeful for you. You might not feel that as you're dealing with heartbreak and this pattern which is making you feel like it will always be this way.
But I see massive hope for you. Because the future is up to you to change.

It's finding you within this and putting you in these relationships.
If you feel able to really examine your role in this. Not in confirming your unlovable core belief. But why you go all out for someone when there is evidence that love will not be returned. And why you continue to do that when they have confirmed it won't be returned.
It might feel totally unachievable. But it is.

Maybe break it down into smaller steps.
Maybe examine how you are in friendships where you aren't seeking a relationship. Are those two way? Do you express your needs there? Maybe practice with your T. Do you express your needs with T?

What makes you think you are unlovable? And what counter messages can you give yourself about that?

The future doesn't need to be how it is now. But for it to be different, you got to do things differently.

First off: what will help you heal from this heartbreak? Can you realistically be her friend right now, or do you need space from her?

I really hope you are kind to yourself and make decisions for you. Not for her. Because that will just lead to more pain.
Hey there!

Thank you for seeing hope for me.
It means a lot.

Yes, I am trying to look after my needs but it is very difficult because my body keeps telling me otherwise. I have fallen sick physically since the last time I spoke to her on Friday.

I am reading this book titled "Body Keeps a Score" and it tells this is very common for trauma patients.

It's difficult for me to look after my needs, it's easier to look after other's needs. Especially. It feels convenient because as my therapist told me - she gives me space, she fulfills my need to be a caretaker and she is consistent.

And in the process, I don't look after my own needs.

I am in a lot pain rn and just very tempted to message her and live life her way because she feels comfortable.

And comfort hurts?

I don't know the right thing to do.

Yes, this pattern followed me in my friendships as well and as soon as I started changing it, everyone left. They are there but they are not as constant as they used to be because I started putting down my needs.

And i feel i dont have the strength to lose some i love too. i am tired.

yes, i do practice with my T.

But rn, it feels a lot. What if i let her go, i die. what if i am no longer able to hold it together and wait for future.

i dont want to die and i feel like dying constantly without her. (ps i know this is a feeling and i am not acting on it. but it feeels a lot)

and somehow she goes through something similar in her relationships too, just that she is avoidant.
 
But she keeps asking me to stay
She's getting everything she wants from you, so unethical or not, of course she wants you to stay.

She can ask for anything she wants. It's up to you to figure out if it's worth it to you to keep giving everything to her without repayment in kind, money, or emotion.

If you keep giving her everything she asks for, you will continue this hopeless, boundariless existence. If you stop, you'll begin to uncover some sense of self. Which is it going to be?
 
She's getting everything she wants from you, so unethical or not, of course she wants you to stay.

She can ask for anything she wants. It's up to you to figure out if it's worth it to you to keep giving everything to her without repayment in kind, money, or emotion.

If you keep giving her everything she asks for, you will continue this hopeless, boundariless existence. If you stop, you'll begin to uncover some sense of self. Which is it going to be?
I hear what you are saying and that is a hypothesis, isn't it?

That I will design or create my sense of self. It gets worse.

It has been really bad. I think I have been really upset since after uni. I was diagnosed with TB, my younger sibling dropped out of school. My mum was diagnosed with Schizophrenia. My father went missing. We faced a major financial setback.

I am tired of all that has happened and it's not childhood was a fairy tale. I put my everything to move out of this city and get an education, borrowed money from friends. Everything. I did everything and despite that everything fell apart. And I am tired now.

Due to TB I was bedridden for two years, I could not even poop by myself. I lost all my confidence.

And then she came in my life, she saw me. Yes, she does not return the love but at least she sees me. Is seeing enough?

If she does not, I end up on online brothers, searching for love. Paying for intimacy.

I don't know how long I can go on like this, it feels heavy. And I know, feelings are different from facts. Factually, everything is okay - I have a decent job, family is back together, we somehow managed to put it together.

No one sees me though. She did. She does at times even now when we talked.

I ended up sending a long message to her saying that I was physically unwell and in a lot of pain and I was sorry for begging for love. No one should do that. She has not responded yet. I understand my choices might not be the best ones for me right now but how else do I survive. How else do I find my sense of self, if she feels everything that gives me and my life purpose?

thank you everyone for being here, it means a lot.
 

OliveJewel

MyPTSD Pro
live life her way because she feels comfortable.

And comfort hurts?
She feels familiar, not comfortable. What’s familiar to you is discomfort.
i know this is a feeling and i am not acting on it. but it feeels a lot
This is a huge part of the work, and it sounds like you are already doing it. The feelings, for many of us, trigger a sense of helplessness, rage, or some other deep discomfort. As you develop the ability to sit with yourself and watch the feelings change, it won’t feel so crushing. This helps you in a situation where your impulse is to help immediately, but instead you might hold back for a bit.
 
She feels familiar, not comfortable. What’s familiar to you is discomfort.

This is a huge part of the work, and it sounds like you are already doing it. The feelings, for many of us, trigger a sense of helplessness, rage, or some other deep discomfort. As you develop the ability to sit with yourself and watch the feelings change, it won’t feel so crushing. This helps you in a situation where your impulse is to help immediately, but instead you might hold back for a bit.
Okay, I will sit with the feeling. I will.
 
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