I Feel Like I Want To Be Banned - Why?

[driftaway]

I wish the moderators here would issue a voluntary ban. I've visited a lot of websites and objectively, it seems that after a while of getting to know me, people don't like me. To the point of when I enter, not even saying hi to me out of spite or passive aggressiveness. I know I whine too much- this past year has been the worst of my life, even including those years with extensive trauma. I just feel like I don't matter, that people here would be better without me. This thread is not a call for attention, it's a question- why do I feel this way? Is this me trying to isolate myself? Is this me seeking safety? Am I that out of touch with reality that I truly believe everyone hates me? Why do I live this life and why have I made so many mistakes? My mistakes are the reason I'm hated. How long before everyone here sees what everyone else sees? I wish I could just be banned and not have to worry- ban me so I know I'm hated. I apologize to any mod reading this because I realize I'm begging to be responded to with the typical 'we don't ban members without just cause' and maybe even 'you're a contributing member with worth and value'.. All that bullshit. That's not what I'm looking for. I'm looking for something inside myself to realize that I am a person of value and that I matter to people here. That I am not just a whiny bitch who complains about everything. Why must I have PTSD when everyone else gets to be normal? I hate my f*cking life.

 

[driftaway]

I do realize the ridiculousness of this thread and wish that I was a person with more logic and internal resources. I feel hated by everyone, despite people blatantly stating otherwise. Moreso, I feel like I should be hated, that's what I deserve. I feel like I deserve to be banned because I seek and receive support here, neither of which I deserve. I am a f*cking piece of shit. Can anyone else relate to how I'm feeling?

 

[Riot]

@Lillie, I can't speak for anyone else, but I've never had a problem with you. As for self destructing on a community website, I definitely think that's a form of isolation, and one I can even relate to quite well. That being said, I don't particularly like the idea of holding someone's writing permanently hostage (even if it was agreed upon) but I can understand why the idea of post deletions and banning aren't given into impulsively. (I am personally grateful for that part, thanks staffers.)

 

[joeylittle]

it seems that after a while of getting to know me, people don't like me. To the point of when I enter, not even saying hi to me out of spite or passive aggressiveness.

I'm just not sure how you can know why other people do or don't do things...especially when your own self-image is so down.

why do I feel this way?

Because you hate yourself. I hate myself, I know what it's like. It's really hard, sometimes impossible to cope with.

I wish I could just be banned and not have to worry- ban me so I know I'm hated. I apologize to any mod reading this because I realize I'm begging to be responded to with the typical 'we don't ban members without just cause' and maybe even 'you're a contributing member with worth and value'

No - I'll temp ban you if you deserve it. I'm also not going to condescend to you and tell you that you have worth - because you won't believe it, not in the place you are in right now.

The best I could offer you, @Lillie, is this - you have to remember that these low, low points are temporary. You've had shit happen to you, and you developed PTSD. Your concept of yourself is that you are hateful, and deserve to be hated. That's not objectively true, but it's what you believe. And when the stress is running high, that belief - that self-hate - will come out strong, and you'll think that you can't control it, because it's just so big and loud.

But the good news is - you can learn to control it. You can learn to change it. You've just started with a therapist, you have a long way to go, and that's shitty to think about, too. Don't put your mind into the future, it will be too overwhelming, and you don't know what it is, anyway. Keep yourself in the present, and remember that this moment you are in is going to change.

So you aren't confused - I changed your thread title to be clearer and match your post.

I feel like I deserve to be banned because I seek and receive support here, neither of which I deserve.

Why don't you deserve it?

 

[Riot]

@Lillie, I was writing my last post when you were adding to this, so I wanted to follow up my response with... yes. I understand feeling undeserving of support and even feeling incredibly guilty for seeking or accepting it. I believe this feeling has a strong relationship with survivor's guilt. For me, it comes in waves, and while some days are certainly easier, there are definitely rock bottom days when I just want to burn up in my own flames of self destruction and isolate even online. Hang in there.

 

[Sideways]

One of the big reasons I don't make friends in the real world? Because it's only a matter of time before they see that I'm really just a (enter horrible self-talk here) and decide they hate me.

I don't handle compliments well - head mostly filters them out - for pretty much the same reason... "When they see that I'm actually a (enter horroble self-talk here), then they'll regret having said nice things to me."

Self-loathing. I'd rate it as one of my most overwhelming and dysfunctional symptoms. Sorry you've got it as well. Because you know, when your name pops up here and there, what am I honestly thinking? "There's someone who's fighting a tough fight..."

Don't isolate yourself from this community based on some (extremely dubious) mind-reading. I think you've got a bad case of self-loathing maybe, but is the community wishing you weren't here? Not so far as I can tell. That's the honest truth.

 

[KwanYingirl]

If you're looking to be banned, then I'd address that to the mods. If you're feeling worthless and hated, I'd say those are common states of feeling that most people with PTSD feel. They are usually self proclaiming prophecy, so watch your thoughts because they can become your character. If you're working with a therapist, I suggest you process your cognitive distortions with him/her so you can free yourself of self defeat. Of course you are welcome here. You are not alone, learning to honor your worthiness takes time and work. Hang in there and try not to burn bridges. Namaste.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

why do I feel this way?

Self loating maybe? I do it every day and have for as long as i remember. The "everyone hates me" cause some drama on accident "see everyone hates me".

I was challenged here to stop the everyone/no one thinking and thats very hard and i know BPD has black & white thinking and with my situation made it extra hard but one starts to believe what one constantly tells oneself. So i started to say "ok 10 people dislike me and/or my unintentional actions but theres hundreds if not thousands on the site and many many new every day.

Ultimitently taking a week break, going to a site specifically for my BPD and also DBT and throwing everything i had at that i think is how i took my turn.

I'm looking for something inside myself to realize that I am a person of value and that I matter to people here.

Only you can do that, none of us can. No matter how many people say "Lillie we love you, dont leave" all you are gonna to say or think back is "you're lying to me"...been there done that. Ultimently its up to you to soul search, come to self awareness but it does help to take everyone/no one out of your thinking patterns and replace it with some, a few, a certian number etc.

 

[ladee]

If you get banned, then you get to be 'right'... it's that simple. And being 'right' seems to be what you need or think you need. It's easier to be 'right' and simply not do the work required to change that belief...
And what if one of us said, 'Ya know, Lillie, you are right, you are all those things you described'. Would that make it ok to not do what it takes to get healthy?
I sincerely hope, in a calmer time, you go back and read what others have said to you to see if any of it could help you get some traction to do some healing...
I,of course, want you to stay here and let this place and these people help you to help yourself.But if it is so important for you to be 'right', nothing we say will make any difference... You have been given great, caring feedback. Now it's up to you to be 'right' or accept the help offered.

 

[Deleted member 28403]

Wow, this thread makes a lot of sense :hug: It really does.

Also, a really tricky topic for me to talk about. What @ladee said makes sense.

But I am not sure if I have anything of my own to say. There are many things I do not have even the slightest hint on how to work through.

Will hang around here

 

[The Albatross]

A way to validate your self and other perception. It would reinforce your core belief. If it is validated then you are free to shift the difficulty to "somebody did that to me" instead of dealing with the difficulties of relationship and dealing or learning how to deal with people and how to change/improve.

 

[Mallaky]

There are some great essay on this site. One about "Distorted Thinking" and one about "Criticism." If you feel better and/or want to learn about what is going on with you and why you wrote this thread, it would be a great great starting point. Just know, you are not insane. There are answers, reasons and explanations. Good luck!