I Feel Like I Want To Be Banned - Why?

[Pencil]

Why must I have PTSD when everyone else gets to be normal? I hate my f*cking life.

I also sometimes hate my life, but then I remember that the world is not divided neatly into two groups, those with PTSD and those without. I remember that there are people with terminal cancer, or those who have just lost a child, or those about to lose a child to a terminal illness, and others in slavery, and some dying of hunger as we speak, or being murdered. And then I also remember that there are millions, literally millions of people, who also have PTSD but with none of the resources available to us.

And then I count myself very, very lucky.

And I remember that life is actually very short.

 

[Abstract]

I'm not exactly sure what is happening for you but I do know that sometimes these types of feelings are partly about self hatred, but partly about trying to make some sense of the world and about gaining some sense of control. If you have been treated hatefully and you don't deserve it then a whole lot of feelings and thoughts arise as apposed to being treated hatefully when you did deserve it. If it was your fault then there is more power in that than if it wasn't.

For me being treated kindly has felt very discordant and dangerous in a way that is hard to put into words exactly. It felt a little like alice falling down the rabbit hole. The world turned upside-down. I am much improved with it thank goodness, It sounds a little like you have internalised that you are hated and will always be hated and are trying to match the way people are treating you with that. It's quite obvious you aren't hated here and are not going to be randomly banned.

What would it mean to you if you weren't hated and were appreciated? If you made mistakes and were sometimes wrong and sometimes right but were accepted.

Do you also think some of this could be an abandonment thing for you?

 

[Sideways]

@Abstract - that can be a very enlightening (and confronting) exercise...asking yourself, "what if people actually don't hate me?"

The prospect that people don't hate us as much as we expect them to is (for me at least) really scary, because it flies in the face of everything I believe about myself.

Wondering what happens if you ask yourself that @Lillie - what if people here actually are grateful for you being here and contributing what you do?? How much would that turn your world upside down...??

 

[Deleted member 31177]

Hi driftaway,

Having been in a mental hospital for almost a month and constantly hearing different staff members say about me or someone "It's just an attention seeker" or anything close to that, and then do Nothing, as if someone actually needing their help, by asking for it the only way they know how in that moment is reduced to a person of no worth, so why bother --- I'd get so upset because I believe "attentio seekers" are brave souls being able to ask for help - even if it's in the form of strange sounds, rocking, crying a lot and trying so hard to get help. Hated that place!

About worth . . . any little kind thing you do makes you highly worthy in my book! For instance, I save the lives of snails by gently getti g them off the sidewalk and placing them in green foliage - small thing to some, but a life for a snail. Volunteering at an animal shelter I did for years and I'd never felt better. Any County Animal Services (where they euthanize) are all in super need of Volunteers during kitten season (many strays, and ma y who don't spay bring their cat's kittens in every year, so they end up euthanizing the eldest cats down to 1 year old and even kittens there are so many) Yipes, sorry to have gone on like that (typical cat lady and animal advocate that I am).

My thought on some of which you wrote are so similar to my experience and I'm just guessing here, I'm thinking your wanting to leave this site with no way back in is another step towards isolation and removing yourself from a place you are able to vent and share what's going on with you, and receiving different ideas. I am a recluse myself (with my beloved Special Needs cats) and hoping you're still getting out for walks, runs, trips to fun places as reclusing yourself completely is not fun at all.

Please stay . . . Please? I don't personally know you, yet I feel a connection with you.

☺

 

[Deleted member 31177]

PENCIL - in here - supposedly a "safe" place to share your feelings, in my humble opinion you have written some of the biggest triggers to someone who has PTSD, and I am in shock that you would compare illnesses on a PTSD site - best way to make someone feel even MORE worthless than they already feel!! Have some compassion, and if you're here as a supporter and do not have PTSD; then PLEASE watch your tone and highly shameful comparisons on this site! Apalling!!

 

[joeylittle]

I am in shock that you would compare illnesses on a PTSD site

Actually, it's a common distress tolerance technique in DBT. The idea is not to create shame, but rather, to get a wider perspective on whatever one is suffering with at the moment. It doesn't work for everyone, but it does work for some. That's the advantage of being able to hear so many different thoughts from so many different people. Take what's useful, leave the rest - is always good to remember.

 

[driftaway]

I found the comment helpful from @Pencil

In fact it is something my therapist has done with me , too.

 

[Pencil]

Thank you @driftaway.

Here's a trigger warning; I'm going to mention ... Oprah :D

Okay, in all seriousness: I think the only thing I ever took away from Oprah is the importance of gratitude. There are many things in my life that make it super difficult: I'm not in therapy because i can't afford therapy, and I just can't focus for enough hours a day to earn enough to get into therapy, and when I do, I am so destabilized that my income drops to destitution level. This vicious circle is just the overarching reality of my life. And so I plod on - left foot, right foot. I'd get really depressed and resentful if I didn't consciously look at the things I'm grateful for: And when I, sometimes angrily, start looking for things - almost to prove that there is nothing - I find the list is very long. And instead of making me happy to settle for so much less, it somehow enables me to strive for more.

And although I do sometimes envy people, especially old school and university friends who lead dynamic, active, successful lives, I don't want their lives. I still want mine. And I'm on this site where just about everybody is in therapy - and some with a whole bevy of mental health professionals, others with special needs animals, some on disability, some with accommodations - and none of these things are available to me.

On another note: I find your name interesting: I feel as though I live on a raft, and not in the world. I'm reclusive, and with some hectic attachment thing going on, I don't have the capacity to be part of a social web, like most people. I need to drift away to calm seas and sunny skies often - total silence, total privacy, total solitude. And yet, it scares me. It is too complicated to explain here, but I've been in email contact with my ex-therapist, who fired when my income plummeted due to therapy, for 3.5 years. I feel as if I'll 'disappear' without her knowing my mental coordinates. None of it makes sense, I know, but it is just the way it is. The point of this is that I wonder if you have the same tension between approaching/running away.

 

[atwistedfate]

Driftaway you are not hated you are cared for loved and respected be strong we are here for you don't go we would miss you I know life can be shitty but it can also be good. Stay strong. If you need to find me and I will be here for u

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I have a simple answer to the thread title, because you want to be right about yourself (which you arent) but you want to be. It is easier to say "see, i was right, everyone does hate me" than to challenge it and even then, even if you are challenging it so hard for so long you get emotionally tired and want to give up the fight. Or at least in my experience. Honestly, I could have written this.

Oprah is the importance of gratitude.

I love love love Oprah and everything she stands for. Helping and giving at every step. Im watching Super Soul Sunday right now which is the only half way religious thing i will watch. Many can say a lot about Oprah but no one can say she doesnt give.

Graditude is so big isnt it? We spend so much of our time self loathing and thinking about dying (some of us...me) and about whom hates us and, for me, so very sad that my family has taken the path they have against me but im alive to fight another day, i have a job, i have a home (an apartment...but not homeless), i have food, i can afford some luxuries...not many but a few which is more than so many have, i have Drs including a therapist, i have healing/recovery in my sights. Theres a lot i dont have but there is so much i do have when i could have turned out so much less functional. I live in one of the safest and one of the freest countries in the world. Some have ISIS to worry about every second and being tourtured still. Im out of that and free to say no!

Graditude is such a big thing. Learning to be grateful for all i do have makes what i dont have so much smaller. For me.

And illness, it is true that there are many, some even on the forum, that has terminal illness and have to face that battle and im sad, very sad for them but grateful im not one of them. I am in chronic pain and will eventually loose my abilty to walk but im grateful for each new day i can walk and the things i can do. Again, so many have it worse. Its always helped me at my lowest point to remember, someone always has it much worse and has helped to pick out, even at my lowest, as many things to be grateful for and its like a snowball, once i start it builds and builds and builds until ive pulled myself out of my most lowest time.

Hope that makes sense and i hope that helps.

 

[Pencil]

This thread is not a call for attention, it's a question- why do I feel this way? Is this me trying to isolate myself? Is this me seeking safety? Am I that out of touch with reality that I truly believe everyone hates me?

Let's explore this then. I don't know the first thing about you, but let me hazard a guess; disorganized attachment, perhaps? Perhaps not. So what could it be?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

So what could it be?

For me, its to prove i was right after all, everyone does hate me...thats just me though.

This thread is not a call for attention, it's a question- why do I feel this way? Is this me trying to isolate myself? Is this me seeking safety?

I honestly dont think anyone thinks its attention seeking but no one is going to truely know but you. I can tell you hostorically why i found i did the exact same thing to give you ideas but only you will know why you did something.

perhaps? Perhaps not. So what could it be?

I like this, someone used to do this with me to really get me thinking. This i would go with, build on it.