Relationship I Feel Like I'm Abandoning Him

[Wastinglight]

I'm not pushing him. I'm not texting him at all. That's why I'm freaking out.

It's so hard to know what to do, isn't it? Others might disagree with what I'm about to say, but given that he's never told you he needs space, I don't think it hurts to send him a message every 2-3 days. Lets him you know you're still there and still care about him, without being too clingy about it. But more importantly, if it helps YOU to do this, then I say do it. My guy never told me to leave him alone when he went into withdrawal, and during the worst of it, I still texted him every few days, partly because I wanted him to know that I hadn't abandoned him, and and partly because it helped ME feel better.

For me, I think looking after yourself is more about your mindset than actually doing activities - although catching up with friends, etc is important too. For instance, whenever I start fretting about my relationship, I remind myself that no matter what, I will be okay. Even if the relationship falls apart in the end. It's my mantra these days (although I don't always feel comforted by it!)

 

[Kintsugi]

I absolutely do not believe that @Glara is suffocating him. Quite the opposite. I think his condition is sucking the life force out of you.

I did not take anything out of context from those threads in the sense that I was only looking for examples of him withdrawing and you feeling badly. I had to edit them down as per the forum rules, or else I truly would have quoted the entirety of every single one for my purposes and simply bolded what I wound up quoting.

Of course you post about the bad here. Everyone does, really. My concern is more in the fact that all roads lead to Rome in your threads, so to speak. I.e., you seem to find yourself in that same position over and over again, and as evidenced in those quotes, it really affects you and your wellbeing. I thought about bolding all of the places where you speak of your own needs, your own depression, your own struggle, and how he has no idea about those. I really think this is terrible. I would not have put the energy into that post that I did if I did not feel so alarmed by this trend and so concerned about your limits as a person (forget the supporter/sufferer rhetoric--person. The kind with needs).

I agree that if he is a suicide risk and you feel strongly about it, call a hotline, call the cops, do what you have to do to protect someone you love. But can you really deal with this intensity, pressure, depression, etc. unchecked? Forever? When do you lay down ground rules? When do you define the boundaries? At what point does this become too much? I have asked you to assess your needs in a romantic relationship--explicitly with anyone, PTSD or no--and even if you won't share those here, I really think you should think about it. It's good for anyone in any relationship to define their needs and set their boundaries.

If the suicide thing is what's really got you, tell him to get rid of his guns (he can have a friend hold them in a lock box, and said friend can go shooting with him when he wants to go to the range) because you can't deal with that threat in your life emotionally. That is what I would do. I've been a suicide risk and told my partner to get rid of his guns. He's gotten rid of his guns for the same or similar reasons before for himself. It's not really a dramatic thing to ask if it worries you so much.

 

[joeylittle]

A few weeks later I got a text at work that he took his truck into the woods, with his gun, over the weekend to end it all. What do I do with that? So I guess what I'm saying is I am worried, he has guns, he took my shooting so I know they're for real. Suicide by gun is usually successful as compared to other methods. That's why I don't want him to think I'm abandoning him. I don't want him to think I got sick of his depression.

This is not your job. What are you supposed to do with that? Someone tells you they are going to kill themselves, they are generally desperate for some relief. So you call people who can get them safe and provide relief. Keeping him alive is not your job.

And more importantly, you are not qualified to do it, so the odds are good you will screw it up.

I am sorry to be harsh, but I want you to hear this. He will not end his life because you "abandoned" him. He will not end his life because you "got sick of his depression". He will try to end his life if he's dealing with a mental illness and cannot tell up from down. Sure, he might list you in a list of things: my job is awful, I don't have friends, my girlfriend is abandoning me....but none of those things are actually what a mentally ill person is responding to. They are responding to their illness - which you are not qualified to handle.

Call people who can actually help. Yes, call the cops on him, if that's what needs to happen.

OK, thing two:

I didn't read through all my posts that were quoted, there's too many lol.

Well, that's a real shame, because those posts tell a story that you truly would benefit from reading.

I do not see how this relationship is helping either of you, right now. I believe you when you say it was good once. But it's not working at all right now.

 

[Glara]

I didn't mean the quotes were taken out of context, I just meant that Nico would need to have read entire threads to know everything I was saying. And @Simply Simon I'm not offended or anything. It's true it is eating me up inside. I probably do need to distance myself a little at this point, but the suicidal stuff worries me.

On a professional level, at my job I would call the police. But I did that once with a friend and it's been done numerous times at my work. They don't force my clients into the hospital. When I calls on a friend years ago, they knocked on his door and asked if he was ok. My sufferer is in therapy. As for getting him to give up his guns, he won't. He collects them. Hence my worries.

Last night he initiated a text, told he's very depressed and is going to snap, but wouldn't say how. He also wished me happy holidays if we don't talk again. Not sure if he's saying he won't be in touch, or he's saying worse. I just told him no pressure to talk but I'm always here to talk or text anytime. I also asked that he please contact me before he "snaps". He said ok. I'm leaving it at that for now. His sister will be in town with him so he won't be alone.

 

[Tanishq]

Oh my, I have no words for this woman Glara. She definitely loves him truly. Glara your determination and work you are doing with this man, it is astonishing to me. I have nothing more to add, but feel relieved. I am relieved that Glara finally is seeing where she stands and started to do realize other important for herself. Other posters have covered up the important parts of this concern.

Yes, I have to concur that your partner does seem to suck the life out of you. Look at those quotes, we are seeing it. It is obvious he needs to pay little more attention to you.

We all care about each other, so we all try to help each other. My best wishes to you Glara. I am glad you dropped by this forum, shared your difficulty with us. You deserve the help. :)

 

[InlovewithaPTSDvet]

I agree with wasting light above. I've always made sure my hubby knows that I'm here for him. He's walked out on me and gone for his own space but I understand now his stress levels have been pushed into a heightened stress response and he needs to get away. I don't take it personally now, I used to!

Don't be scared of texting or emailing or leaving phone message to say, hey, I love you,I'm your best friend and I'm here.

Extreme PTSD stress response can sometimes result in what feels like a extreme, I can't cope reaction. Tell him how you feel about him, you so obviously care about him so don't shy away from telling him.

If you are going to love him, in some respects you will be his carer you know. Be strong! Be dependable! Give him confidence ( as well as boundaries!).

It's very wrong for him to worry you so much re the guns ....have you told him so?

 

[Glara]

Well haven't heard from him since Fri and I'm not expecting to. His comment was basically saying happy holidays if we don't talk. I think it was his way of saying we wouldn't be talking. I know he's seeing his sister but that's all I know. I deactivated my Facebook page, I need to distance myself. I kept checking it to see if he posted anything, also to see if there was activity. I get worried that he's isolating if I don't see activity but then I think his sisters coming and he's on vacation, but he didn't tell me that. This gets me upset because he knows I'm worried. I don't know what I think. There's too many back and fourth thoughts in my head. So I'm confused. In addition to all that, I see people's happy christmas stuff and I'm sad that my daughter moved out. It'll be my first christmas without her. So I decided to deactivate. It's like a weight off my shoulders.