I Feel Like I'm In Hell

[senseirage]

Every day I feel more and more isolated. I barely talk to anybody, and when I do I can barely speak because I'm barely even in reality. I almost can't help it, if I even stand idle for a second I will end up zoned out in a strange daydream that is just bizarre and sometimes scary. When I snap out of it I feel very alert and sometimes angry and impulsive. I feel like relapsing at times (recovering drug addict), and I feel like ending it. I never feel like I'm really controlling myself, I just watch myself attempt to participate in a conversation and fail miserably and just create an awkward tension. I just want to stay out of my head and to make friends again and hopefully eventually have another relationship. I haven't dated a girl in years due to my impulsive actions and terrible habits. For a while I was having awful rants and breakdowns, sometimes volatile. I have moved away from my hometown and am attempting to start over, but sitting in isolation with my thoughts haunting me is almost making me feel hopeless, knowing that this will possibly always haunt me no matter what I try to do.

Is there any way to at least stop the zoning out, and to somehow get over my social problem. I don't want to feel violent and tense. My chest feels like it's in a tight twist and my head feels like it's pounding. I feel do paranoid and threatened for no apparent reason at times. I need this to stop


P.s. I'm new to this forum so please forgive me if I posted in the wrong section. Really love the concept of this site though, seems like a very encouraging place based off some of the posts I've looked at and replies that people have given to those needing help.

 

[Spaced Out]

Sorry you are experiencing this. I've experienced similar feelings and "hell" is a good description. I understand about feeling threatened for no apparent reason. I actually feel that way all the time, but I'm not always aware of it, but when it's front and center-- the awareness that I'm feeling in current danger is really terrifying. I finally figured out this is a type of "flashback"--that I feel I'm in current danger but I'm really "back there" in the past. Feeling the impulse to kill myself or harm myself is so tied to that experience for me. I'd like to try and find a resource that can help me not do the constant daydreaming-zoning out (why I chose Spaced Out as my forum name) it's awful. I want it to stop and I'd like to engage in life. Instead I'm always "looking" or observing what's going on as an outsider outside my body. It does sound harder for you since you are in a new town. Practice engaging in life will hopefully eventually get the message through to your brain that you aren't in overwhelming danger and that you can talk to people without it being awkward. Like practicing shooting hoops or playing the piano, practice just doing life. Physical activity also helps me connect to my body more. I hope this hell lifts for you soon.

 

[senseirage]

Sorry you are experiencing this. I've experienced similar feelings and "hell" is a good description...

Thank you so much for the reply. I'm sorry you have to go through it as well. I agree with it being a type of flashback. It has set me off many times and I'm trying to become a calmer person but it's easier said than done. I know what you mean though and thank you, I'm going to try to get out more this week and hopefully meet some people. Your reply means a lot :)

 

[Spaced Out]

sorry I don't have any good suggestions for staying out your head. That's my problem too that I'd like to change!

 

[senseirage]

sorry I don't have any good suggestions for staying out your head. That's my problem too that I'd li...

Not a problem at all! You still helped. Maybe if I get out and practice interaction as you suggested that I'll get distracted with it and won't have as much time to zone out due to busyness.

 

[pixel]

@senseirage Hello and welcome :)

Do you currently have a therapist?
They are skilled at assisting you to develop grounding skills and, over time, help you address the issues of what's causing your dissociation.

 

[IamFree]

its a very tough journey to be on but its good your aware of your shifts in mental states and awareness is the key to change..when we was using and numbing out we did not know what when or why we was the way we were. Its a painful process but just keep on being mindful of whats going on and what the triggers are and what is going on emotionally..as it could be emotional flashbacks sometimes a memory may come up or sometimes its just a very visceral feeling in the body but either way it helps process things...keep on making an effort to get out but do not give your self more than you can handle ..try to stick with the safest places and people so you do not get overwhelmed perhaps later on you can move on to more challenging things...I am saying this to my self as much as you I am on the same journey my default setting is to isolate because i think that is saving me from the pain but it is not it is just teaching me how to pretend it does not exsist while really it is just festering away inside me getting worse and worse....growth does not come without some pain and growth only happens through practicing facing things....looking into counselling therapy could be a good move you really need someone to talk to..at the very least an appropiate (not your colleagues or a stranger in the park ) safe person who understands....for grounding physical excercise is important...avoid goal oriented or competitive excercise though..just something you can enjoy and theres no pressure to perform.

 

[senseirage]

@senseirage Hello and welcome :)

Do you currently have a therapist?
They are skilled...

Thank you :) and I do. She has helped me a lot I have to admit. I'm just a very impatient person when it comes to wanting to feel contentment . I always want it right then and there. I need to work on that

 

[senseirage]

its a very tough journey to be on but its good your aware of your shifts in mental states and awareness...

Thank you, I never thought of it like that. Small steps that I can handle is more than likely better than me torturing myself with bigger steps that I know I can't handle at that point in time. I'm glad you're saying those things to yourself too, seems like smart advice and it will probably be a way better idea than edging myself. Thanks so much for the reply :)

 

[Jadie Rose]

Can you possibly have a dog at your place? Mine has helped me tremendously, to get out of sadness/anger/etc.

 

[IamFree]

its a very tough journey to be on but its good your aware of your shifts in mental states and awareness...

Its importmant for me to thank you for your post for what it has taught me. When I go through these episodes the judgment and punishment I give myself for my injuries is shocking yet I can be very compassionate to those who are going through the same thing...I need to learn to give this to my self to

 

[senseirage]

Can you possibly have a dog at your place? Mine has helped me tremendously, to get out of sadness/an...

Sorry for late reply I've been at work a lot lately. I used to have a puppy but I moved away and my family is taking care of him. I wish I could get a pet but I wouldn't be able to show him proper attention :(