I Feel Like I'm Loosing Myself

[Chris 173rd]

not sure if this has to do with PTSD, but another thing she told me yesterday is that i am always negative about everything. i always feel that someone is out to get me. "my life sucks because if this, or that". nothing is ever good enough for me she says. is this part of PTSD as well?

 

[tho9900]

Chris haven't been in your exact situation but been close as far as home life.. kinda know where you are coming from...

First... no VA counselor/psychaitrist etc is ever gonna think you are crazy.. if you were really crazy you wouldn't be trying to get help... to quote my professor from my second semester of Psychology.. "neurotics always think it is their problem, psychotics think they have no problem at all" so ok we can mark crazy off the list (everyone is neurotic in their own way)

I hear a lot of anger/not understanding/denial here.. jsut being honest... lol been there and done it and still do it today.. it's like a rotation..

Chris, the only thing I can say is talking to a professional can help you... there are 8 people on my PTSD team, from social workers to nurses to psychologists and psychiatrists .. it was hard to go down there but I did.. and ya if you read some of my posts sometimes I am angry at hell at em.. but deep down inside I know they are the reason I am still here.. the only thing I have keeping me around right now is Nichol... bless her heart.. now I have my dog Nala and I gotta be here for her cuz I don't want her going back in a shelter.. The psychs help me understand myself, my feelings, they can never uderstand the anger/feeling of betrayal/sense of guilt I have but they sure the hell know how to help me with it...

Brother... you can't do this by yourself... you really can't... and we can help you here and we all want to... you are one of us.. we coulda all served together were it not for all the years and miles between all of us... we know each other.. and ya ,,, some people know me better than myself... I have learned a lot... but you have to move beyond us eventually and get some care at the VA...

Meds will never cure you, but allow you to stabilize yourself.. and sex is a small sacrifice for the peace of mind that they give you... which might allow you and your wife to learn the new you... the counselling.. sometimes it is rough.. but that is when I come home from it and discuss it here.. these guys either help me understand it or pull me back on my chain because I am heading in the wrong direction...

In short we want what is good for you, but you have to want that too... sex/money/etc is not what is important.. it is learning how to tone down the beast... ya sometimes I have my moments like lately... but I am learning.. slowly..

Make an appt at the VA or use that link I sent you for the Vet Service centers... we are all brothers and sisters here... we got each others back... now it is time to get your own back... there is no shame... and even if you learn one thing about this it is worth it...

You gotta take care of yourself because without you the team suffers... extrapolate that to your family.. or even us.. you gotta be there for us so you gotta get yourself moving forward..

This is all new to you.. go slow and you have lots of advice and help here..

Just remember we are here... and don't want you to go down the same road some of us did..

 

[Wagon]

Hehe. My wife used to get quite cross with my negative attitude. And I was the happy one in the family,

Depression + Anxiety. It sure ain't going to lead to a positive outlook on things.

The bitch about this is, when someone points out your behaviour, the natural reaction of the beast is to bite. Strike back and blame everyone else. Self preservation has something to do with that too I think.

Not sure if you know yet. We collectively call PTSD "The Beast". He's a real f*cker. We don't like him. Of course he hates this place because he generally can't get in. (y)

 

[tho9900]

or if he does everyone runs him off...

 

[jamz]

Chris,
Wagon brought a real good point, do you two do things together as a couple that MY push you a bi out of the comfort zone? Like participate in any groups, sports etc.
Listening to you sounds similar to me and my ex. I used to sit around and act negative, get drunk/stoned, argue, bitch and think that the world was out to get me. Yeah, it could be both the anxiety and the depression and just the fact that you may feel like you're going at it alone.
What could YOU do to make your life better?
What could you and your wife do?

And take up these guys on any advice for help.

 

[arwarfighter]

Hey brother, I am taking a deep breathe here because it is hard for me to share this, but I think in this case it needs to be said. Last year I had one of those days that just made me hate the world. I got my 9mm and drove out to my daughter's grave. (She passed when I was 19. Before I joined the military. But that's not the point here) I sat there for a while and after some thought I put the muzzle in my mouth and began to squeeze the trigger. Just then the cleaning crew for the cemetery showed up. I pulled the gun down and hid it. After realizing that I was not going to be able to do this I drove home. I sat down on the couch and stared into space. I looked over and saw the mousepad that I had gotten at the va with the crisis hotline on it. (1-800-273-8255 and Press 1) I talked to the guy for like two hours. He was very nice, and I did not feel judged at all. The very next day I was at the VA talking with a psychiatrist. I had hit rock bottom. And the good news about that is that I had nowhere to go but up. They can help. And I urge you to seek help. Knowledge is power, brother. It made me feel better just knowing that the things I was going through were the same things that others were going through. And that it was normal for someone who had gone to combat. With the help of family, friends, and the VA I am getting better. I still have my bad days. I still get the urge to smash some people's face with a brick. But I am better. One day at a time. I am better. All the folks on this site are more than willing to help. Feel free to give me a shout anytime. And like a lot of the others have said ask questions if you have them. Knowing is half the battle! lol Hang in there brother.

 

[medic5]

Welcome aboard Chris,

I'm going to come at you from a woman's perpesctive. It sounds like your wife is definetly suffering Postpartum Depression. She might be feeling very overwhelmed and scared caring for an infant, feel like she is not capable of handling her new duties as a mother. If she is not happy about her body image after having the baby she will not feel sexy or having sex. Her hormones are probably out of whack which can make having PMS seem like a cake walk.
You have needs she has needs and the baby has needs. Both adults have a few problems going on which make for a very stressful living arrangments.

I would recommend that you contact the nearest VA and get help. Is there an older woman your wife knows and trust, are you active in a church. Your wife should seek counseling about the Postpartum Depression. You both have a tough road ahead of you. If you wife would like she could message me if she needed to talk or vent. Like my brothers and sisters on this site we got your back. All of us on this site have been were you are right and understand. You and your wife are not alone.

 

[Squaddiedave]

Chris right with you with anger/worry/doubt/sex feeling.
I only learnt the term " the beast" yesterday and holy crap did it make sense. I find I have the sexual desire to "jump on the right foot and do the wrong thing" with the misses, but I hold back as I have a doubt if she wants me to, I don't like myself, so how can she like me?
On he flip side (and after talking to mrs sd about it, she's sh*t scared in case I reject or wig out over her advances.

What I'm trying to sat brother is, the same as medic5 in many ways, you've lost your self, and in many ways that means you've lost each other( not the same people right?) As hard as it us, and it is bloody hard, talk, this is the lady you love, and the real you before the beast wanted to spend the rest of your life with, you've talked before, dig deep and do it again. Your a vet, I'm a vet, we're all vets, that means we've dine hard horrible things we don't want to do ( think basic my friend lol) we've all done it though.

Sorry tough day so rambling, but I've made a promise to my self to speak from the heart here, and not delete (unless the spelling is cr*p lol). Your misses same as you needs some one to talk to bud, and you also need to talk between yourselfs. Your a different guy now, the beast is biting your arse, explain it as calm as you can. 13 years,married to my best friend and the only way I can truley get it out is to leave a note next to the kettle before I go to work, or an SMS message, As it is hard!
No more rambling,
Chin up, hang in there buddy
SD

 

[Madbat]

not sure if this has to do with PTSD, but another thing she told me yesterday is that i am always negative about everything. i always feel that someone is out to get me. "my life sucks because if this, or that". nothing is ever good enough for me she says. is this part of PTSD as well?

First thing I would say is welcome. Second you need to find a PTSD group at your local VA chapter and start attending. I have been going now for almost 2 years and even though there are a lot of Vietnam vets and not many Desert Storm vets it does help. Just to know that your not the only one f*cked up ;) there are more out there just like you. I understand the anger. I battle it every day and have to fight not to lash out at my family. New kids mean new stressors, new situations that you will have to adapt to.:cautious: I'm actually getting ready to go back to residential (in-patient) therapy through the VA in Battle Creek. I have already done the Prolong Exposure program and the Detox track and will be going back for Cognitive Process Therapy.

i feel like i want to drive on the interstate and go head on with an 18-wheeler

Thoughts of suicide and idealization of death is not uncommon, I told my therapist that I think about that almost everyday and if I stopped it would be abnormal. But as tho9900 pointed out if you start down that slippery slope call! There is no shame in asking for help.

on a good period i can average 3 times in two months

Women are a strange lot, and when they get set in their ways "it is what it is". Not saying you should give up on sex but you need to talk to her and be clear about what is going on with you. Then you need to be honest and let her tell you what she thinks. I can give you two good books that both you and her should read to help her understand and help you deal with some of what your going threw.

The first book is Once a Warrior -- Always a Warrior I would post there website but I'm still a junior member so no privileges:(. But it is at once a warrior dot com.

The second is Tears of a Warrior. Also at tearsofawarrior dot com

I hope they can help and remember don't feel ashamed to ask for help.

 

[Jimmy1]

not sure if this has to do with PTSD, but another thing she told me yesterday is that i am always negative about everything. i always feel that someone is out to get me. "my life sucks because if this, or that". nothing is ever good enough for me she says. is this part of PTSD as well?

Mate, negative self talk is part of depression. Depression is because we are not comfortable with who we have become or what we have done. It's really hard to explain, but PTSD is just one huge umbrella term that clinical people put a huge variety of symptoms under, almost like a too hard basket.

In a nutshell, when your in a war zone, your military training and your mates are what saves your life. You rely on anger to get you by and there is no time for any other emotion. Then you come home. When you get home you are still on autopilot. The whole world is about touchy feely stuff and emotions. We even have emoticons to explain everything and it's a hard place to exist. That is why so many veterans would rather be back in the sand box with their weapon, at least there they knew their place, even though it was dangerous.

But life can get better here mate. You just have to jump through the hoops and follow a good psych who knows what they are talking about.

 

[Chris 173rd]

thanks guys. a little on what's been happening with me the last few days: i think that the economy has a lot to do with all the built up stress as well. i get tired of seeing car commercials, "come on down, jump into a new ford, 2 thousand off", "30 mpg, isn't it time to change?", blah blah blah. i ask myself, who in the f*ck has the money for a new car in this shitty economy? how do you add another three year bill to my already empty finances? well i am switching jobs. for more than a year, i have been debating about switching jobs. leaving this job and going to work for my dads company and make twice the money. right now i have a gravie job, but with that i get a gravie paycheck. get paid on the 15th, and by the 17th, i'm already broke. bills soak up all my check then what little i have left i have to count pennies and try to spread it out two weeks. thay don't pay overtime here, so i'm just stuck with the same amount every two weeks. i talked to my father, then my wife and we decided to make the switch. i can double the money i am making here with TONS of overtime, and i get paid every week. i put my two weeks notice in tuesday, and i am very excited. i keep using the calculater over and over again, amazed at what i see pop up every week. i will have to work my ass off and be away from my family more, but being a military man, i can adapt to this and once the paychecks start coming in, and i see that the bills are being paid, AND i have money left over to do the things around the house that are neglected, i'll be ok. my wife is also excited for me and is anxious to get our finances back on track, be debt free, and have some money in the bank after its all done. now that the good exciting news is out the way, i had another breakdown tuesday evening. she was with her friend shopping for a wedding dress. i was at home and i started drinking because even though i'm happy, i;m stressed out about the new job move. i'm texting her nice things, like when is she gonna be home, i wanna get close tonight and watch a movie tonight,etc. but she never wrote back. now i'm becoming a dickhead because of this. in my sick twisted mind, i think she's ignoring me because she is with her friend. i wrote some pretty mean things, then i would apologize. still no replies, i would write mean things again, then apologize again. she eventually came home and chewed my ass out for being hateful for no reason. she said that everytime i drink i get like this. i yelled out at her that i'm going through a hard time. job change, depression, and PTSD to cut me a break. but now that i'm sober, i realized that i was only yelling at her to give me an excuse to act the way i was. i stormed out, went to the bar, sat by myself, then went home and told her that i was sorry. i hate it when i get like this. she is my best friend and i need her. i wanted to go back to the bar with her, i needed her. we went back together and she told me that tonight she isn't my wife, she's my best friend again, so start talking, lol. i got a lot off of my chest. and we had a pretty good night. i felt closer to her again, and i apologized over and over again for my actions. i didn't want to have an excuse to be the way i am. i wanted to fix it, and that i am working on it, but she just has to understand that its gonna happen until i learn how to control "the beast". (ha! i used it). we had an awesome night with me getting shit faced, and her tucking me into bed. hangover the next day, and we talked some more. about how i will be gone alot more with this new job, but maybe we need this. we spend alot of time together and maybe some distance might be good for us. we might get close again, it might drive her crazy that i'm not here and she'll want sex more often, money won't be an issue anymore so thats a little less stress, staying busy all the time will keep my mind off of the beast, etc. the only bad part about it, is that i will be travelling a good distance everyday and will be putting in a lot of hours, so i won't have the time to see the VA. but like i said, maybe this move will help fix me in certain areas. espically taking alot of stress of me in different areas. i will still have the internet and will be able to get on this site, just not as much as i can now. you guys really are awesome, and i'm looking forward to getting back to ya'll and giving you a sitrep on how good i feel, and me and my wife are happy as can be. i'm looking forward to the day....

 

[Sarg]

Chris,

Turning into a workaholic worked well for me. The harder I worked, the longer hours, would burn off a lot of my anxiety. Less anxiety, less friction with other people. I won't include my wife as I was blessed with a wonderful wife and we rarely fought over anything. Plus, you have the added positive of a job well done.

It's all gravy. But I do concur with the rest, therapy is very important. I'm lazy, I like doing things the easy way. Therapist can sometimes tell you the easy way to get around some of what you're thinking or doing. I'm a big fan of the Vet Centers and recommend them highly.

The beast is strong in you right now but you can be stronger. You just need to find and use the right tools. The videos and book recommendations on this site can give you those tools.

Best of luck,

Sarg