I Feel Like I'm Slipping Away

[Cavegirl]

So I (PTSD from childhood abuse, rapes, sexual harassment at work etc) fell for my FWB of three months. He does not feel the same. He's a fellow PTSD sufferer (but his is combat related) and says he's just not capable of dating anyone right now. Even if he was capable I don't think he would be with me anyway. If I'm honest with myself.

I'm obsessed with WHY. He wants to stay friends. He thinks I'm great, pretty fun etc. attractive, (it'd be easier if we didn't have chemistry or he just wasn't attracted to me) he loves hanging out with me etc. but he doesn't want to be WITH me. That's clear. But why not? What is WRONG with me? I showed him the real me. He saw my darkness. That's what happened.

I need help... I'm falling apart. I can't eat, I can barely get out of bed, I feel myself slipping away. I am questioning my self worth. I've noticed I'm covering my face with my hands a lot. Like I just want to hide from the world.

I am dreading tomorrow. I don't want to get out of bed early and shower and go to my dads and cook and pretend to be happy.

I'm not happy. My world is falling apart. I can't stop crying. I miss him so much and feel like part of me is dead. So dramatic but honest. I feel like I'm broken. I thought I put myself together after my last big "episode" but it was just a house of cards and N**** unintentionally knocked them down.

I feel like I'm festering and rotten. That I literally should crawl in a hole pull dirt around me and bury this disgusting hunk of soulless flesh.

I feel that I died when I was a little girl and I'm just a zombie wandering around pretending to be human.

How do I pull my shit together by tomorrow???

 

[Sighs]

Hugs if you accept them.

When PTSD is involved all the 'normal' relationship rules go out the window. So, he's just not that into you - except if he has PTSD and he's pushing you away. And, its not you, it me - normally a polite lie but if he has PTSD? Then it really is him.

I suspect this has almost nothing to do with you personally - or your dark. I suspect its all about him and his PTSD.

I'm a supporter and I've felt like absolute shite when my vet has rejected me. So I can only imagine how awful that rejection feels when you have PTSD as well.

 

[Cavegirl]

Thank you for your reply. It did lighten my heart a bit. I would feel so much better if I knew "why" he can't be with me. The idea that maybe it's not actually anything to do with me is a tiny bit of relief.

But he has an ex gf that he was supposedly happy with. They still are friends and talk daily. He left her because he felt like he had to take care of her. She had no motivation to better herself. He offered to support her and pay for her to take classes to get her GED and she never did it.

I feel like since he could be with her, he should technically be able to be with me.

But I do believe him when he says he can't be in a relationship right now. He's very adamant about it. Says he has to get his head right before he can even think about letting someone in. He has too high of expectations for the women in his life. He needs to work on himself. He told me several times that I don't want him as a boyfriend, he makes a TERRIBLE boyfriend but a great friend.

I get that. I do. I just wish he'd say that. Look you're great, there is nothing wrong with you but I can't be with anyone right now. Well actually he has said pretty much that, not the there's nothing wrong with me part though. He only tells me how awesome I am. But he also said, "I don't think of you like that, it takes me a long time to develop feelings." He doesn't think of me like that. Ouch. That's all I can focus on.

Maybe I don't need to hear from him that it's not me. Logically you are right, that is a very possible reality that it is HIS problem, not me. It's very hard for me (based on my past) to not blame myself for everything.

Thank you again for your words. And bless you for being a supporter. Our issues are a lot to handle sometimes.