I feel like running - look for new therapist or work things out?

[Deleted member 38906]

I need some advice on whether I should look for a new T or stay and work things out. I started seeing a trauma T two months ago. He seemed great and he told me that if there's ever a problem that I should talk to him about it and he will do his best to repair things. I'm obsessing about something he said last time and I can't let it go. It's causing me to think very black and white and don't feel like I can continue with him.

Last time I saw him he said: well you haven't described a traumatic event for me yet, but has there been any neglect in your childhood? Then we spent most of the session talking about neglect.

What he said pissed me off because I told him in my very first session that I was kidnapped when I was three and that I got regular beatings from my mom. Why doesn't he think any of that is traumatic? Why is he implying that I have no trauma. Did he forget or does he not know that being kidnapped is extremely traumatic? I can't trust someone who doesn't know that.

I feel so silly for going in to see him when he thinks I have no trauma. Maybe he's right maybe I don't maybe I'm making a big deal out of everything.

How do I stop obsessing over this? I hate it.

I can't trust myself because of the black and white way my brain works so id be grateful for advice.

 

[Freida]

Not sure if this helps but I came home one day ranting about something my T said that was along the line of dismissing my trauma
Hubby kept asking me...are you sure? because that doesn't sound like her. Agreed to go back and bring it up. She had no idea what I was talking about. But we both went over the conversation and what she said was not what I heard. Could have been a dissociation...not sure.
But I was glad I brought it up

 

[Rumors]

As you put it, he said you haven't DESCRIBED a traumatic event. I definitely would be careful of black and white thinking. As well, I don't think it is possible for your t to remember everything you have gone over in session. They see a lot of people. Until the kidnapping story line gets etched in to his brain, you may need to jog his memory about that. I think you should go back... he is human and if he made a mistake then I am sure he is willing to discuss it with you.

 

[MyWillow]

I think most people would suggest you raise it with your therapist. It’s “grist for the mill” as they like to say.

I just want to reassure you though - I’m seeing a therapist and have started trauma sensitive yoga (acknowledging this makes me extremely uncomfortable). I have all the signs of trauma - structural dissociation, amnesia, dissociative flashbacks, numbing, dissociating in session, hyper vigilance - but I don’t recall anything particularly traumatising in my life. Usual dysfunctional family but that’s it. The body doesn’t lie. It’s not up to someone else to decide whether you’re traumatised. Not sure if I’ve expressed that very well - apologies.

 

[Deleted member 38906]

Not sure if this helps but I came home one day ranting about something my T said that was along the line...

I feel too embarrassed to bring it up. I don't want him to know how sensitive I am. Im too ashamed. I mean what do I even say? If I say I feel like you minimized my trauma, he will reassure me that that's not the case and that he thinks I am here for good reason. That will make me feel real icky and I won't even believe him bc I know he forgot my trauma and if it was a big deal he wouldn't have.

As you put it, he said you haven't DESCRIBED a traumatic event. I definitely would be careful of black a...

True but if I discuss it with him it will only make me feel worse. Somebody reassuring me will make feel needy and embarrassed. It'll make me want to shrink into a ball that can be tossed into the trash.
Black and white thinking is so hard to undo. No matter what he says a part of my mind is adamant that he cannot be trusted.
This is all my black and white mind sees: in the first few sessions he said you might be suffering from attachment trauma and some ptsd symptoms. And now he has said you haven't described anything traumatic. Something doesn't quite add up.

I think most people would suggest you raise it with your therapist. It’s “grist for the mill” as...

How is bringing it up grist for the mill? It will make me look like I'm mentally ill and can't control my mind. And Going forward it will probably make my therapist feel uneasy because he may feel like he has to watch what he says now.

 

[deeplyloved]

I am just barely, after 10 months of weekly trauma therapy with the same therapist, beginning to accept that my healing has to happen inside of a safe relationship. My nervous system is not logical and it doesn’t believe most relationships are truly safe. It tries to keep me safe from violence by sending alarms whenever I start to risk trusting someone.

Here’s what I’m just learning: The content of the disagreement or hurt feelings with our therapist is less important than the process of addressing it. This is not about logic. The pre-logical parts of our brains are in pain and need soothing. It doesn’t matter what I heard or what she said or what I misunderstood or how she messed up. The part of me that is hurting needs the experience of saying “ouch,” being heard, being validated, experiencing safety and reconnecting trust. That’s what lays new, healthier pathways over the traumatized, broken ones.

Yes, I am needy and I hate it. I am in pain and vulnerable and it freaks me out. It feels dangerous. It has been before. I have to experience safety to believe it. I can’t yet talk myself out of these physical reactions. Giving my therapist a chance to help me learn and grow is so scary and painful, but it is changing me.

I hope you can try taking some risks and receiving support too. You are worthy.

 

[Deleted member 38906]

I am just barely, after 10 months of weekly trauma therapy with the same therapist, beginning to ac...

I intended to tell T how i felt today..i wanted to tell him i felt like he was implying i didnt have any real trauma. I was really nervous to tell him he hurt my feelings and that i misunderstood him bc of the way my nervous system is. i failed...i could barely talk. I just ended up saying something like i was confused last time and i kept having obsessive thoughts about what you said.

he reassured me that i wouldnt have been referred to him if i didnt have something to work on. he said that i have developmental trauma and that that is still trauma even if it's not the ptsd kind of trauma.

for some reason though, none of his words felt reassuring. maybe it was because i couldnt tell him how i really feel. that id rather have ptsd and DID and other bigger disorders..because it would mean that something bad did happen to explain how messed up and evil i feel. that way i could make sense of things and i wouldnt feel ashamed of coming into therapy, being all weak and needy.

 

[deeplyloved]

It was brave of you to try! Keep trying. Your voice and feelings and experience are important. Humans miss the mark. Could you write down your thoughts and read them to him next time?

 

[joeylittle]

The content of the disagreement or hurt feelings with our therapist is less important than the process of addressing it. This is not about logic. The pre-logical parts of our brains are in pain and need soothing. It doesn’t matter what I heard or what she said or what I misunderstood or how she messed up. The part of me that is hurting needs the experience of saying “ouch,” being heard, being validated, experiencing safety and reconnecting trust. That’s what lays new, healthier pathways over the traumatized, broken ones.

Really well said.

maybe it was because i couldnt tell him how i really feel. that id rather have ptsd and DID and other bigger disorders..because it would mean that something bad did happen to explain how messed up and evil i feel. that way i could make sense of things and i wouldnt feel ashamed of coming into therapy, being all weak and needy.

This is really great processing you are doing. I would encourage you to share these thoughts next session.

A lot of people find it helpful to write things down and then read them aloud in therapy, as @deeplyloved suggested. It can make it easier to say what we are wanting to say.

As far as him not remembering the stuff you said happened when you were three - I would encourage you to talk more about the details and the timeline, there. And if you are intimidated about doing that (I was, when it was time to start discussing my trauma narrative), think about using the trauma diaries here as a way to practice. Even just laying out a timeline in bullet points, as best you can, will help you move closer to being able to talk about it.

If it helps to know - the doubt and insecurity and worry and fear you have about the therapy process, it’s all incredibly normal. You can find so many stories on here of the journey people take, getting to the point where they can talk about what happened to them. You’re not alone in any of this.

 

[Deleted member 38906]

A lot of people find it helpful to write things down and then read them aloud in therapy, as @deeplyloved suggested. It can make it easier to say what we are wanting to say.

that's so many steps ahead of where i am and what i am able to do in therapy :( we've found out in therapy that my Ts attention and gaze alarms my amygdala. as soon as i walk in i feel a lot of anxiety and feel like shrivelling up into a ball so he cant see me. i can't think straight either when he is paying attention to me. we are slowly building up my tolerance to connecting and talking by doing strange exercises...

sometimes he will gaze out and not look at me and asks me to notice how i feel, or sometimes he builds a fort of pillows around me, or encourages me to get up and walk around the room to feel safe. when i do those exercises i feel a little more relaxed but as asoon as the attention is back on me i start to panic. when he talks though my nervous system calms down a bit.

he says i will get better with practice so maybe i can read stuff aloud in therapy once i build up more tolerance of being in the presence of positive attention.