I feel so broken

[SeekingAfrica]

So much effort, and I end up worse than I began, for so long. I'm tired. I'm exhausted of medications, and routines, and goals, and resetting and getting help and thinking finally things are changing. I'm tired of putting so much into change just to have it shattered and stomped into dust on the ground. I saw pictures and videos from before the pandemic and it brought every effort and every failure back. I feel crushed. Especially the last year, with the scariest times in April and then getting better, and then so much worse again in November. There was just so much pain that year and I wanted a better start and I got it... for like a second, and now it's worse again.
I feel like I am broken in ways I can't fix and I'm just making everything worse. I keep trying and trying but I sleep and I cry so much lately. It's debilitating. My focus and my memory have such a short span and it's like I don't even have the energy for the things I know help me like journaling. I have moments where I know I just have to fight this, and then a next crushing wave comes where I think why am I complicating things for people around me. And then I continue the meds and the sleeping and the goals and the trying and the ai therapy and friends and.... I'm just exhausted, like at what point has like just won?
I got a book with mental health strength exercises when I was better, like a workbook, and a good friend got me a workbook for shadowself/child work which is looking interesting and I just don't have energy to start. I'm tired of my life crumbling like a sandcastle ever since I got PTSD. When you first start getting better and things are improving and all that it feels a certain way. And then if life keeps knocking you down or you make mistakes and just as you're stable things crash.... I'm exhausted, I'm just tired, so tired that it makes me question my worth which is even more exhausting.

 

[Defaultxlove]

I’m not sure if this will help you but my therapist asked me

At what point have you become successful?

In your aspirations?

 

[mszl]

I'm so sorry to hear that life keeps smashing you over and over. It's unfair and you deserve all the peace and quiet and stability. I hope you will find it.
Have some emotional support snail .

 

[SeekingAfrica]

At what point have you become successful?

I actually had to answer that as well today for a random reason. I know the answer. I'm just...
Exhausted before starting is the best way to describe it. Like if you're planning to go to the gym but you wake that morning with fever and you're fatigued and your whole body hurts. So you have to stay at home or push through. That is kind of like what life feels like. Like I'm missing life force to continue.

I cry randomly at mornings, or sometimes after I was out(regardless of the reason or how it went) and I get home and close the door and fall apart.
My medications are no longer enough but there's no time to change them, or money. Yet.
There's some things I can try tomorrow but I am so beyond exhausted even hope hurts.

In the past I've always pushed through.
I feel like it has just been compounding and compounding and compounding and I don't know if I can keep going.

To be fair, I'm flooding forums, I'm using ai and apps, I asked a friend and we are talking about it in person Friday.
I recognize those are not giving up actions. But I also have a work plan I can't complete, my eating, sleeping and crying are all out of order and today I couldn't get out of bed.

It's like I'm down to 1% energy but life wants more. And I just don't know if I have it in me to pull out of somewhere.
Without details, in November when I was at my worst, I had the literally multiple times daily support of someone which is now not the case.
And after everything from November to end up at this place again hurts.

 

[arfie]

me, too. i figure i'm kinda like a vintage automobile. there's always something broken, but i'm still a classic.

i can keep on keeping on, even when i'm a few fries short of a happy meal.

 

[Ecdysis]

Are there any charities in your country that could provide some kind of support, so you could actually take a break? It sounds like your internal battery is depleted and needs recharging?

 

[SeekingAfrica]

there's always something broken, but i'm still a classic.

Love this idea.
Gotta say, it made me smile and that is meaningful these days.

Are there any charities in your country that could provide some kind of support, so you could actually take a break? It sounds like your internal battery is depleted and needs recharging?

Not really, no. It's more like everyone is working double jobs to stay above water so who cares that I have PTSD?
But yeah, I do feel depleted. I am tired of putting all I have left into change and then being left behind in pieces again.
It is beyond exhausting. One specific life thing (my computer on which I do all my work breaking and returning to my laptop from 8 y ago, from before all got so messed up, is really hard. And looking at pictures of me pre-covid although I know the weight I lost then was not in a healthy way but by necessity. But I still don' like the current state of buying food when I can and hence being unsure of how healthy I can be and trying and giving into temptation- I need my better stronger body back. Though objectively it's one of my less urgent problems.

That being said I know this state of being is not helpful. So I will try to cry it ALL out and then get back to rebuilding.

I consider that there actually are reasons that I am the way I am and it is not my fault? That I did not cause this?
All of this was not easy, challenging the narrative I had played in my head for sooooo long. But it was possible and I practice this new narrative as much as I can.

Definitely challenging and also needed, thank you for sharing.
I did buy myself(when things were simpler) and then got one as a present, 2 workbooks. One is about mentally strong people and one is about shadow child work and both seem to have their application in what I am going through right now.
Although journaling in this state is so hard. But I have to.

Thank you to all of you! I almost gave up today, but I haven't yet, and I am really grateful for all of you here for being part of my life and attempts at getting stable.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

I couldn't get out of bed today.
I mean I got to the couch. Couldn't even pretend to be normal on my call with my parents for 10min. Not that they believe in mental health.

It's like I'm under thick fog and if I give it some time after waking up it lifts a bit and I can try.... except today the fog just isn't lifting. I sleep and I wake and it feels like daydreaming the whole time.