So I am proud of myself. It will be a week tomorrow and I have not talked to my sufferer. This may sound like small potatoes, but trust me it is huge for me. I have ALWAYS been here at the drop of a hat for him and it's been hard to stop doing that. He texted me Thursday saying "Hope your great" and I stared at my phone for a few moments but just turned it off. This is what he does. Always keeping me at an arms length but trying to keep communication open. I feel taken for granted and he always assumes I'll be there. After all it's what I taught him.
For 9 months I have ALWAYS been here because he was just that important to me, made me laugh and his sweet side was just intoxicating. However, I just really looked inside myself and said "Why do you wanna bend over backwards for someone who may say he cares, but certainly doesn't show it? Someone who only makes time for you when it's convenient for him. Someone I've begged to explain this to me. Someone who has been selfish." A lot of questions I asked myself and in the end I felt like I was letting him do this to me. It's almost like you'd feel so unwanted but he tells you otherwise only he doesn't show it and it's very confusing.
My decision to do No Contact was not brought on to be mean or cruel but for the fact that I want him to know that when you take someone for granted eventually they will walk away from you. I want him to feel a sense of loss. He always told me I was his happy place, his peace, his outlet and he knew I was there for HIM, not his house, or his trucks or his business but for him and I find it absolutely crazy that he'd just let that go but it's not my life to live. He said he knew he'd break my heart but I beg to differ. My heart is far from broken. It hurts and I miss him but I have went to long in my life being mistreated and I won't allow that or tolerate it. I cared a lot for him so I let him over step quite a few times but somehow I found the strength to just stay away and make him understand that he lost a good thing. I'm not selfish, I hope that he finds a woman who adored him as much as me and the thought of him with someone else is gut wrenching but I still say I'm proud of myself for finally stopping and realizing I deserve better.
Will I ever talk to him again, I dunno. I just wanna be stronger and he had broken me down emotionally so badly not ever knowing where we stood and in the last week I feel so much better.
