Sexual Assault I Find It Hard Accepting I Was Raped

[Cherry_Bluebell]

I was raped in my early 20s and I was a virgin at the time. The way I was raped though makes me feel like it was my fault and I lead my attacker on. Deep down I know it's not my fault but I find it so hard accepting this and I've only just faced it in therapy and my psychologist has confirmed it was rape. I'm terrified of him, his not in my life anymore. We were friends in university and I admitted I had a crush on him and his friend when I was drunk. I was naïve and silly, but I didn't realise what it would eventually lead to. I went out with him, the other guy and a few others from our class on Valentine's Day. Cut the story short I believe my drink got spiked by him or one of them and we went from bar to bar until we reached the last bar and the bar was practically empty. He lead me to an isolated part upstairs in the bar, and I didn't know what was going on at this point (its taken me a few years to remember what happened btw), he grabbed my ankle and I somehow landed on the floor, he was a professional wrestler so I believe he threw me up in the air by my ankle. He was smirking and somehow talked me into leaving the bar with him. I'm not sure if his friend was part of the plan because they suspiciously kept out of the way. I remember letting us in my halls (remember I saw him as a friend and I did trust him at this point). We went into my room and he told me to get onto the bed, forced my jeans off and told me to put it in, I was frightened and this is the part where I blame myself - why did I let this happen. But also I wasn't with it where I believe I was drugged up, because I definitely wasn't drunk. I woke up the next day and had a shower and there was blood everywhere. The next day he told the whole of our class and department he had slept with me. He constantly glared at me with piercing angry eyes in our lessons, I was terrified of him. Him and his friends turned their backs on me and I felt isolated and alone. I decided to leave the uni and since then I've had problems going back to a university to finish a degree because I feel all students are corrupt and could rape and bully me (I know not all students are the same but I feel this way)

 

[Deleted member 19804]

Dear Cherry_Bluebell,

I am so sorry he did that to you. He had absolutely no right to force himself upon you like that. Your T was right: what he did to you was rape. For f*ck's sake, he was a professional wrestler, of course you couldn't get away from him. You didn't let anything happen, all you did was do what you needed in order to survive. And you did.

Your story is very similar to mine. I too was raped by a guy I liked, only in my case it happened when I was on a date with him. He was also very keen on humiliating me as much as possible. But liking someone does not give him the right to take your body for his own like that. Even if you were leading him on, which you obviously weren't, he had no right to force you into having sex with him.

I'm glad you're reaching out to this forum. I wish you the best on your journey to healing. You deserve to be happy again.

Big hug if you'd like one :hug:

 

[The Albatross]

Hi Cherry. I was going to ask but saw your post about complex PTSD... if you had any prior experiences that could have led to your response - drugged or no. It appears you did.

I did too.

 

[The Albatross]

I guess... know this: You are not responsible for what happened to you except that you didn't perhaps recognize signals that the situation(s) you were in weren't safe. It is not wrong to trust others, but it is not necessarily wise either and as a much younger woman I didn't know that. It was not modeled for me.

I had a girlfriend who was drugged and had a sexual assault. I though was completely sober. It is often the case that the mind will equate the experience with "all" people or "always"... this or that. But life is not that way. Welcome to the forum.

 

[Cherry_Bluebell]

The Albatross - there's been multiple experiences leading to the Complex PTSD; family violence, a sexual assault in my teens, that rape, being arrested and thrown in a cell after I was attacked - the police tried to convict me but I gathered lots of historical evidence and had two professional witnesses come forward so it got thrown out of court, homelessness a bit and I was attacked by an ex twice. I don't know how I haven't lost the plot tbh, I think I've been in so many different situations and moved around so much in my young adult years my brain is confused. Since getting a permanent council house I've tried to make my life as stable and grounded as possible and routined, because I haven't had that in a long time

 

[Cherry_Bluebell]

Also yeah I didn't know I wasn't safe, we were friends and I trusted him. I even sat in his room all night once talking and using the internet. But after the rape (when I couldn't remember hardly anything) I kept having audio flashbacks BEFORE the rape. I know this sounds really strange and my psychologist said its normal, I kept hearing his voice on buses when travelling to places saying things before the attack in his room that time and he was hinting what was going to happen. Also he was trying to manipulate me into thinking I was messed up in the head. He knew my tutor had placed me in uni accomodation because she pulled me out of home due to a violent attack one night. I came into the university beaten up and in a state begging her to help me. He knew this and I feel as though he took advantage of me when I was at my lowest. That night I never brought one drink, all my drinks were brought for me and I didn't see them preparing the shots before the last club, their backs were turned to me. This is another reason why I'm suspicious other people were involved

 

[The Albatross]

My sexual assaults as a woman occurred well after many traumas as well. Suffice it to say, I understand but feelings are emotional quick sand. You have recollected the facts... stick to those. No need to pick up a big stick and beat yourself with it. I was oddly, protected and cloistered by my abusive father and first husband... ill prepared for the world and largely innocent/niave independent of their abuse of me and my mother.

I dealt with it by being able to accept that I was ill prepared for the world. It was not my fault, yet there were cues that I couldn't see. Hindsight is not necessarily an enemy. It can be a signpost for what needs improvement. You'll get a wide variety of feedback and experiences here... most all well meaning and for your higher good. Again, welcome.

 

[Namenotdiagnosis]

I think it's really hard to accept that rape isn't ones fault coz naturally you hve been violated and abused to make you feel this way. I was raped 13 years ago with sacks of abuse in every format, I was made to believe for years that all the abuse and rape was my fault and that I was very high maintenAnce, ugly, thick stupid fat that id get cancer and die if I didn't repeat things he'd ask me to which were bad things against my family, well I'm sure you'll agree similiR to lots of ppl with cptsd the list is endless. Lots of emdr, nd other therapy too to help me along the way had made me a stronger person, and even after suffering years of abuse , been sectioned I managed to hold down a professional career, but even today I still blame myself and beat myself up all the time as to why I didn't walk away nd go to the police sooner. And how could I have been so weak. ConsTant phyco logical abuse on a daily basis is very hard to erase from ones memory regardless of the best treatment money can I buy coz I've had it all and the reality is that when I close and lick my front door I'm just a scared damaged lonely and angry person.

 

[Namenotdiagnosis]

Lock not lick! I haven't quiet lost the plot! Yet !!!! Lol

 

[Cherry_Bluebell]

Namenotdiagnosis - 'ConsTant phyco logical abuse on a daily basis is very hard to erase from ones memory regardless of the best treatment money can I buy' I think its a life long battle to be 'normal', I also think that where ever an abused person goes they will always have that thought at the back of their mind that they don't quite fit in and have to fake they're a happy sociable person, when inside there's a lot of conflict. I am very glad I've found this forum and posted this post because it's really helped me to accept that this wasn't my fault. I've told my close friend about the rape and they were shocked but completely understood why I get so sensitive when people start on me in work (because I've complained to them about this). I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders :)

 

[Namenotdiagnosis]

So true, I've faked the last 15 years of my life , hate social settings coz need to get drunk to get through them to avoid any unnecessary conflict or conversations that may remind me of my traumas, which is why I try to avoid them at all cost . I feel safer when I'm at home. Im soooo happy that I found this group as I never spoken to anyone else with cptsd and it's been amazing to hear that what I'm going through is similar to thousands of people and it's ok to have these feelings of anger fear and so forth. And strangely enough although I've had so much treatment seen diff therapists it's the first time I've actually wrote about my traumas and yest writing "I was raped" felt like a big burden had been lifted, I suppose very similar to journaling which is prob the only thing I haven't done. I actually feel that this has been far more beneficial than my some of my therapies.

 

[Cherry_Bluebell]

Namenotdiagnosis - I agree, I think aswel (not to sound horrible) but a lot of therapists are from privaledged backgrounds and you know most have no idea what its like to be abused. I think speaking to others who do know and are on the same path helps you feel understood. Its not a put down to the therapists who haven't been through it because some are very kind and good at helping, but you know deep down they're just doing there job