I find stories of others trauma, rape, abuse and suffering soothing.

[Placebo]

I don't know if this is healthy, and it's only been about a year, but knowing others have suffered, the same, more, or different than me seems to sooth me. When I read about other survivors with details of their trauma, and even if they are not doing good after, it soothes me. I feel calm, and last night had to use reading stories about torture survivors to go to sleep. Am I sick in the head? I don't like when people.hurt and want to help or be good to people so it is not a sadist thing at all. It gives me no pleasure, just soothes my pain. Any thoughts, or experiences, and all opinions welcomed.

 

[flowerapple]

I don't if this is the same thing, and I don't even really fully understand it and why I do it. But sometimes when I'm angry, I imagine killing myself, which I know it sounds bad. It's not just that I imagine, killing myself, but I imagine killing myself in a specific way, and whenever I do, I would feel my anger reducing. it doesn't go completely away, but it's less. I would imagine killing myself by taking a knife and just stabbing myself, like in my chest, and how much blood would be there, and how my anger would just be flowing out with the blood. After thinking about it, I just feel a bit lighter, or less stressed or angry. The thing is that I don't want to kill myself. I do have suicidal thoughts, but thoughts are different from having a plan and acting on it. Plus, even if I were to kill myself, I would never actually do it in that way because it would just be too messy and I would feel bad for who ever found me after. I mean I know that the person who would find me would at least be shocked no matter the way I actually killed myself because they are looking at a dead body. But I think to find a dead body surrounded in blood would be much worse.

I didn't actually answer your question. It's just that when I read your post, it reminded me of this. I did mention this to my T today though and she said she would talk about it next week.

I don't know, but maybe it's a form of self-harm or something like that. It reminds me of when people cut or hit themselves. Because doing it is harmful to you, but at the same time it is serving some sort of beneficial purpose, by making you feel better. To me it just seems like you reading of others' suffering is maybe the same thing, just that it's not an obvious or physical form of self-harm.

 

[Placebo]

Maybe. But I don't enjoy it. And most of the time I have tons of compassion, but it makes the pain stop. I just called the RCS line and sounded like a crazy person. When it hurts to much to quick to sharp that happens. The pain splays me mentally. It's been a few years now after the last "f*ck you die stupid bitch" which really started at 16 when they objectified me so badly due to underage pornography that I didn't know was taken that they never have and never will see me as a human. Mary Oliver is my favorite poet. They only see a woman who isn't sucking sick when the see me, not a woman who loves poetry. They see a stupid whore who's boyfriend tricked her into having sex outside (where had I not been stalked it would have been safe), and I see a stupid teenage kid who obviously loves nature. Between you guys son my ptsd and the rcs counselors I've been able to survive the past few months, but otherwise I don't think I would have made it. Your not alone about destructive thoughts when your angry. I am very destructive with anger but I tend to in the past have gotten drunk and slept with a man I had just met once. And other times get drunk and cry at my parents house. Or, a number of other things. I got tortured really bad bad tortured. and, I'm just coming to terms with it. The soothing effect I get from other torture survivors helps.

 

[Sideways]

The soothing effect I get from other torture survivors helps.

Places like this - you aren’t isolated. Instead you’re surrounded by people who get it. Who have been in dark places.

Makes sense to me that feeling less isolated is soothing in a way. Just be careful you don’t trigger yourself reading too many trauma stories. Don’t forget to read healing and recovery stories as well.

 

[Placebo]

Places like this - you aren’t isolated. Instead you’re surrounded by people who get it. Who have been in dark places.

Makes sense to me that feeling less isolated is soothing in a way. Just be careful you don’t trigger yourself reading too many trauma stories. Don’t forget to read healing and recovery stories as well.

I have been tortured, and yes you do help. And, yes you do help. I read some of your story on a post. It helped me feel better. A lot better. What I read was torture and I felt an overwhelming compassion that took the place of my pain. That was just a small part of your story. I was looking at your stuff because young age been so supportive and kind I wanted to know more about you, and found that little blob you wrote on an answer somewhere. maybe that's what I am doing depending my pain in compassion while feeling less isolated. It is helping me realize that universally what happened to me is torture, but it is not the worst, and many people are left physically scared for life.... I almost said I have not been physically scared but I have real serious ptsd which is brain damage thus I am physically scared for life and that physical damage did make me disabled, so I can't say I am physically unscared. What they did physically deformed my brain permanently. So I do have that in common with everyone here and others who have been tortured.

 

[blackemerald1]

Is it like ... people with a broken heart from romance gone wrong... like to hear sad songs?
People who are high on life ... like to hear happy songs?

People who feel broken and traumatised like to read that similar experience has occurred to others?

Not sick.. just looking for kinship? Very human actually.

Some people become inspired to seek vocations that allow them to express their history in helping people through similar life events.

Some people like to drown it out in alcohol, drugs and a noisy life.

Some people become inspired to express it in anger, violence etc too. It's not always good but still human.

 

[Placebo]

Is it like ... people with a broken heart from romance gone wrong... like to hear sad songs?
People who are high on life ... like to hear happy songs?

People who feel broken and traumatised like to read that similar experience has occurred to others?

Not sick.. just looking for kinship? Very human actually.

Some people become inspired to seek vocations that allow them to express their history in helping people through similar life events.

Some people like to drown it out in alcohol, drugs and a noisy life.

Some people become inspired to express it in anger, violence etc too. It's not always good but still human.

Thank you for such eloquently spoken words. You have an amazing writing talent and beautiful explanation. That most likely sounds about right. I am looking for kindred spirits.

 

[garden]

I have done this at different times too and it helps alleviate loneliness for me. Being surrounded by “normal” people is lonely and they bore the hell out of me. Knowing others do experience what I have experienced helps me not feel like such a freak.

I am a huge fan of true crime stories too and I find myself looking at them as predictable and ‘normal’ in that I am never surprised by how sick and twisted human behavior can get. It’s uncanny how I know what’s going to happen next sometimes. It’s affirmation that what I experienced was real. I feel like most people, due to their ‘just world bias’, can’t believe or won’t believe that people can do evil things to innocents, so consuming stories where they do happen is a way to self validate.

It’s comforting to you because of your experiences. There’s nothing wrong with that. You’re just looking after yourself. Just balance it out with stories of healing and overcoming. Those things did happen, and you’re not alone, and while it’s a long hard road, you can heal.

 

[Mach123]

I want to be in group because of this and I learned why yesterday. I'm really isolated, I knew that. But therapy is isolating me. I talked to someone yesterday who runs an ACSA group. Talking with her on the phone and some of my "history" and I had to stop multiple times due to being choked up.

I know it's because I was talking to another survivor and she said "you need to resonate with others" and I was like that's it. That's why.

I left groups years ago and I was like "oh I suffered too" does nothing.

I think i might be rethinking that.

 

[TruthSeeker]

I'll have to think on this and get back. I have negative feelings reactions to other's trauma....I connect, and I get it.....and then I want to run away-so I can only read so much trauma.....and I have to stop on here.....I haven't examined all of mine yet....so maybe that's why.
Yeah, some days, a spooky movie is off limits.

 

[TruthSeeker]

I want to be in group because of this and I learned why yesterday. I'm really isolated, I knew that. But therapy is isolating me. I talked to someone yesterday who runs an ACSA group. Talking with her on the phone and some of my "history" and I had to stop multiple times due to being choked up.

I know it's because I was talking to another survivor and she said "you need to resonate with others" and I was like that's it. That's why.

I left groups years ago and I was like "oh I suffered too" does nothing.

I think i might be rethinking that.

I don't want to tell my stuff to a bunch of strangers.......I did Alanon for a while....and I didn't see myself like those losers (I am just a better dressed loser-you know look good on the outside, pretend all is fine).....but now I'm not a loser, I'm not a victim, I am who I am after 60 years of negative stuff happening.....I'd prefer to meet people in groups of one or two and move out slowly. That's been manageable. Oh, the word "group" with the vision of people sitting around in a circle in chairs telling their past history......yeah....that would be overload. Just me.....so glad it will be of help to you.

 

[blackemerald1]

and I didn't see myself like those losers (I am just a better dressed loser-you know look good on the outside, pretend all is fine).....but now I'm not a loser, I'm not a victim, I am who I am after 60 years of negative stuff happening..

^They are not losers - to me.

They are people gathering to give and receive collective strength from each other.