Undiagnosed What is going on? csa, rape, abuse, & others. doesn't seem like it counts as trauma.

[BLA]

I really appreciate the support. I feel like I have been shouldering a burden and ignoring my needs for so long I am just breaking under the weight of it. My sister is also finally dealing with her trauma as well so I feel guilty when I go to her for support too much as well. I have been struggling for awhile and afraid to admit it to anyone. I feel like if I tell some people all of this they are going to think I am crazy so being able to let it out with people who have been there helps some. I know the self doubts are going to keep going until I deal with all of this but well I guess you all would know the feeling of relief when others hear and acknowledge your pain.

 

[Deleted member 34328]

You know, it's ok to admit needing validation or verbalizing how you feel. Part of healing is figuring out what's underneath everything. Weeds continue to grow until the roots are pulled out.

Just one thing... I read from a book once that made so much sense to me. As you stated in your first post, you aren't a war veteren and so defining "trauma" is blurry to you/us. Trauma can be likened to war for anyone. You/we got thrown out into violence, pain, loss, isolation, betrayal... all without any training or armor. No one gave us or trained us anything to protect ourselves with. We were ambushed by the enemy. The defenses were blown to bits and here's what remains... doesn't that sound a bit like war to you?

No, I've never been to Vietnam or either world wars. I don't need to to know violence, blood, pain, loss etc... what I am though is a survivor. I have scars and cuts deep down that got put there by the enemy. What I choose to do with it is my call. Let the war control you, or control the war.

You found us, we hear you and support you.

 

[BLA]

It is tough for me to admit I need help. I alwasy, always wait until I am at my breaking point before doing it. Not sure why though.
I remember after leaving one ex everyone kept telling me how strong I was and in my head I was like no I am not. I didn't vocalize it though that I just felt like I was broken. That was 9 years ago? Something like that anyway. My nearly 10 year old son was a tiny baby. Also at times I know I have just wanted to be able to just break down. I didn't tell anyone though. I can sit here and say a year and a half ago is when I noticed something was wrong with me but when I look back closely I can see signs that I was heading this way a long time ago. My daughter was diagnosed with anxiety and depression a couple of years ago and I would tell people I could relate to depression but not anxiety. Now I am remembering have a panic attack at 13 or 14 that made me take off from a school and in my 20's I remember having panic attacks in a bar that left my chest hurting and feeling like my bra was too tight. There might be more instances but those are what I remember. I think I am very good at forgetting things I don't want to deal with.
Anyway it is nice to find a safe place to say these things.
And you are right about it sounding like war. Although I have felt a little like I have been trained to lay down and take one for the team. I have always been shy. Now I find myself wondering if that really was my personality or a defense mechanism I developed. I have ALOT of work to do I think.
Defifinitely need to work on my isolating and holding everything in.
I get what you say about asking for validation and vocalizing how I feel it's just in my head that means I am bugging or a burden. And yeah sometimes I feel crazy asking for it. So I guess I have to work on those things too.

 

[Deleted member 34328]

There's more to work on for all of us. We can all relate to that and it sucks.

What's important is that you know that. Pace yourself. You can only take on one tiny baby step at a time. What that means for you? I don't know.

If not already, a good trauma therapist is invaluable in starting this journey. It was hard, but I'm grateful for mine.

 

[Esterio]

"Yes you do have trauma and yes it is possible you have this"

Hi BLA welcome thanks for the post.
I would agree that you have had some serious traumatic experiences. You could be suffering for PTSD. You need to go to a professional for a diagnoses. We can not do that here.

You can find validation by going into the forums and read some of the threads there. This is not a replacement for Therapy it is a place to come and share in a safe and supportive community. I hope you can get what I have from this site it has helped me lots. Starting with the validation. When reading someone else's post and you start to nod your head you will know you came to the right place.
Peace be safe

I don't have anyone to talk to about all of this really so I get stuck in my own head which is not the best place to be these days. Maybe I can see if someone can bug me everyday next week to see if I made progress on this.

You have lots of folks to talk to now that you came here:)

 

[SpacemanSpiff]

Hi!

It's great to see you here and even though I'm a noob I feel tons of validation just by reading other's threads. So you are worried about the crazy label. I've been dxed with everything from social anxiety to schizophrenia. But I'm not crazy. I'm a person and so are you. Also, don't get hung up on being branded as your focus should be on getting better whether through meds and therapy or other forms of support.

I read stories on here that makes me want to minimize my own experiences. But they happened to me. I'm a person and so are you. We have ever right to heal regardless of degree or intensity of our past traumas. Getting help is hard both financially and physically but you and your kids are worth it.

I'm a person and so are you. Glad to see you.

 

[TiqueyB]

Thank you. I know I am seriously seeking validation and I know what you say is true that I will continue to...

I have been so touched by your story. Don't worry we all seek validation especially when dealing with overwhelming debilitating symptoms. I'm new but this seems like an amazing group of people here who understand. You can do this. You deserve to enjoy your life. Don't be hard on yourself if you don't get things accomplished on schedule. I find if I'm not hard on myself it is much easier to get up and try again.

 

[BLA]

Thanks everyone! It's very hard for me to reach out. I think I have had a fear of rejection at least as far back as my teen years so I it's a bit nerve wracking meeting new people. No actually I even have that fear with family and friends I have known a long time. It is nice to be welcomed though.
Please forgive my horrible spelling and ramblings at times. I have actually enough credits to be a senior in college but since my symtoms worsened it's like my brain turned to mush. In the past I have been a pretty good writer but now I can't even remember basic grammar at times.

 

[Esterio]

((((((((((((((((((BLA))))))))))))))))) Glad you are reaching out. Not much rejection around here. Spell checker tries to help sometimes but even it can screw up. Don't worry about spelling and rambling we all know whats up. Glad you are reaching out.
Peace be safe