Hi,
I have not been diagnosed. Certain things have been leading me to question whether I have ptsd, like people actually suggesting I have. I am not the same person I was even two years ago. I am lost, full of shame and paralyzed about making decisions and taking action. I am scared all the time.
I have had a number of traumas throughout my life. The very first trauma I had was when I was 5. I look up ptsd symptoms and I see so many things I can relate to. But how can I have ptsd when I have never been to war or seen anyone die violently? Sure I was molested as a kid, raped as a teenager, emotionally and psychologically abused as an adult, feared for my daughters life when she had suicidal thoughts and she was not with me but in the care of someone who used it to torture me, and watched in horror as an ex cut up his arms. This is not all of my trauma but the worst of my trauma that I can produce off the top of my head. Others have had it so much worse than me so how can I claim trauma?
Things I have obeserved in my thinking and behavior for over a year now are: I am anxious over so many things. Bedtime seems to be a time that is consistent for me to panic. I lay there with my heart pounding, chest pain, tense and can't sleep. I am having the worst time making decisions. I can make up a decision and within few minutes question it especially when I think it can be used to take my kids away or make people think bad of me. My concentration sucks. I consider myself a reasonably intelligent person but things that stress me out I can't focus on. I can't get that tape in the VCR to work? Yeah someone else needs to handle it because I can't do this. Read that extremely long paragraph? Nah my brain won't focus and the words begin to blur so I move on to something else. In some of my lowest moments I feel like people can see something is wrong with me and I feel steeped in shame. Anything that can make me feel like I did something wrong is stressful and anxiety provoking. Kids bus is late? All of a sudden I start to question if I looked at the time wrong before coming out to wait, did the bus pass by and I just didn't see it, did they not come because he was absent the other day? Another time last year I had been waiting for my sons school to set up the bus for him but wasn't sure when it would start so I took him to school. I come back into the parking lot and home and see the bus. I am still driving and my brain is caught up i crap I messed up and I crashed into this barrier pole damaging my headlights. That snapped me out of it but briefly if was like I disconnected with what I was doing. So for most of my life I have avoided thinking about the rape when I was a teenager so one day I am driving a kid to an appointment and my brain pulls it out of its deepest pit and flashes it in my brain. It was brief and I didn't crash it anything that time but it was distressing. At points I find that I am still connected to reality but I can see an angry ex's face flash before my eyes, or another one slicing up their wrists, or hear one their voices yelling at me. A recurring one is my ex yelling, "You brought this on yourself!" in reference to our daughter writing a suicide note. The other day I had major anxiety of turtles from my childhood that I can't explain but feel like someone needs to just tell me my memory of them is exactly what it should be. Anger is a funny thing to me. I suppress it alot I know. I know I have it but really I don't think it is what it should be in proportion to what has been done to me. My head spins when my kids are fighting and I can't think how to mediate them. I know I have blocked memories and at time have struggling recalling events that I should know. The other day I almost sent my 22 year old daughter a message asking if I was a bad mom. I feel isolated. I feel unlovable,a burden. Loud noises cause me anxiety like horns, sirens, backfiring cars, and some music too. Can's of biscuits are also anxiety producing. I know that I am having trouble falling asleep and staying asleep but I also feel like I am not getting good sleep when I manage it. These are just some of my observations of what is going on and it is all exhausting and scary. I know that reality seems so unreal to me and I am questioning if the system I once believed was there to protect me and my kids is really just set up to protect my abusers. I have literally wondered if the system today would have made me spend time with my dad who raped me as a kid.
Anyway I am struggling and looking for support and validation. I know I need help and sure I need medication but until I can get that I am trying to just not sink further.
I have not been diagnosed. Certain things have been leading me to question whether I have ptsd, like people actually suggesting I have. I am not the same person I was even two years ago. I am lost, full of shame and paralyzed about making decisions and taking action. I am scared all the time.
I have had a number of traumas throughout my life. The very first trauma I had was when I was 5. I look up ptsd symptoms and I see so many things I can relate to. But how can I have ptsd when I have never been to war or seen anyone die violently? Sure I was molested as a kid, raped as a teenager, emotionally and psychologically abused as an adult, feared for my daughters life when she had suicidal thoughts and she was not with me but in the care of someone who used it to torture me, and watched in horror as an ex cut up his arms. This is not all of my trauma but the worst of my trauma that I can produce off the top of my head. Others have had it so much worse than me so how can I claim trauma?
Things I have obeserved in my thinking and behavior for over a year now are: I am anxious over so many things. Bedtime seems to be a time that is consistent for me to panic. I lay there with my heart pounding, chest pain, tense and can't sleep. I am having the worst time making decisions. I can make up a decision and within few minutes question it especially when I think it can be used to take my kids away or make people think bad of me. My concentration sucks. I consider myself a reasonably intelligent person but things that stress me out I can't focus on. I can't get that tape in the VCR to work? Yeah someone else needs to handle it because I can't do this. Read that extremely long paragraph? Nah my brain won't focus and the words begin to blur so I move on to something else. In some of my lowest moments I feel like people can see something is wrong with me and I feel steeped in shame. Anything that can make me feel like I did something wrong is stressful and anxiety provoking. Kids bus is late? All of a sudden I start to question if I looked at the time wrong before coming out to wait, did the bus pass by and I just didn't see it, did they not come because he was absent the other day? Another time last year I had been waiting for my sons school to set up the bus for him but wasn't sure when it would start so I took him to school. I come back into the parking lot and home and see the bus. I am still driving and my brain is caught up i crap I messed up and I crashed into this barrier pole damaging my headlights. That snapped me out of it but briefly if was like I disconnected with what I was doing. So for most of my life I have avoided thinking about the rape when I was a teenager so one day I am driving a kid to an appointment and my brain pulls it out of its deepest pit and flashes it in my brain. It was brief and I didn't crash it anything that time but it was distressing. At points I find that I am still connected to reality but I can see an angry ex's face flash before my eyes, or another one slicing up their wrists, or hear one their voices yelling at me. A recurring one is my ex yelling, "You brought this on yourself!" in reference to our daughter writing a suicide note. The other day I had major anxiety of turtles from my childhood that I can't explain but feel like someone needs to just tell me my memory of them is exactly what it should be. Anger is a funny thing to me. I suppress it alot I know. I know I have it but really I don't think it is what it should be in proportion to what has been done to me. My head spins when my kids are fighting and I can't think how to mediate them. I know I have blocked memories and at time have struggling recalling events that I should know. The other day I almost sent my 22 year old daughter a message asking if I was a bad mom. I feel isolated. I feel unlovable,a burden. Loud noises cause me anxiety like horns, sirens, backfiring cars, and some music too. Can's of biscuits are also anxiety producing. I know that I am having trouble falling asleep and staying asleep but I also feel like I am not getting good sleep when I manage it. These are just some of my observations of what is going on and it is all exhausting and scary. I know that reality seems so unreal to me and I am questioning if the system I once believed was there to protect me and my kids is really just set up to protect my abusers. I have literally wondered if the system today would have made me spend time with my dad who raped me as a kid.
Anyway I am struggling and looking for support and validation. I know I need help and sure I need medication but until I can get that I am trying to just not sink further.
