I got injured saving someone, but I froze when he later humiliated me

[STndAPtsd]

I'm 29M, and I'm really struggling with my CPTSD lately.

A few days ago, something happened that has been stuck in my head.

I had just started a new job. On the first day, the person I was working with slipped and was about to hit his head on some metal. I instinctively tried to protect him, and I ended up seriously injuring my shoulder/scapula and fracturing it.

The doctor told me to rest and not work for a while.

A few days later, my employer confronted me about not coming back to work sooner. He said things like, "You have bills and expenses, you should have come to work," and "The rest of your body is fine, you should have come. Whatever the doctor wrote doesn't matter."

What really hurts is that this was the same person I had tried to protect.

I froze.

I couldn't defend myself or even properly explain what I was feeling. I thought of things I could have said only afterwards.

It's been several days since that conversation, but I still can't shake it. I feel empty inside. I keep replaying the conversation and thinking about how I couldn't say anything.

And honestly, it has made me question myself a lot.

I already struggle with feeling like I'm not strong enough or resilient enough for this society. Sometimes I feel like I simply don't belong in the world I'm supposed to function in.

The worst part is that I start thinking: even if I do the right thing and try to help someone, things can still turn against me. I protected someone and got injured, and somehow I ended up feeling like I was the one who had done something wrong.

My CPTSD has been really bad lately, and this situation seems to have triggered something much deeper than just anger about what happened.

I don't know if this is a freeze response, trauma response, low self-esteem, or all of these together.

Has anyone else experienced something similar — especially the emptiness that remains days after a confrontation, even when the actual conversation is already over?

How do you deal with the feeling that you're not strong enough for society, even when you've done things that should prove otherwise?

 

[Movingforward10]

Yes, it's a difficult place to be. Being triggered and feeling like you have no autonomy, no way out, no resolution.
But that is all the PTSD, it's not the reality of the situation.

It takes a lot of practice, but learning that you can do something different even though every fibre of your being is saying danger, don't. It can really help

Would thinking about doing something different and acting it out here help?

What would you like to say to your boss?

 

[STndAPtsd]

Yes, it's a difficult place to be. Being triggered and feeling like you have no autonomy, no way out, no resolution.
But that is all the PTSD, it's not the reality of the situation.

It takes a lot of practice, but learning that you can do something different even though every fibre of your being is saying danger, don't. It can really help

Would thinking about doing something different and acting it out here help?

What would you like to say to your boss?

I've had similar situations happen to me many times, where I felt humiliated and couldn't speak up. Afterwards, I'd constantly replay the situation in my head and imagine all the different things I could have said.

But this time, I'm honestly just exhausted. I don't even feel like coming up with a different response, because I don't think saying something to him would actually make me feel better.

That's why I'm starting to wonder if maybe the problem is me. It feels like no matter how hard I try, things just don't get better. Even when I do something good, like helping someone, I still feel like it doesn't lead to anything positive.

The last five years of my life have been especially difficult. I've kept trying to make things better, but somehow things just keep getting worse. I'm just tired of feeling like whatever I do doesn't make a difference.