angelphamine
New Here
I just had to get a second therapist (my current doesn't specialize in ocd) because after starting wellbutrin 3 weeks ago, my ocd and racing thoughts have gotten SO much worse. my therapist and i believe that i mostly have "pure o" ocd. it's making me feel insane.
but almost every ocd obsessive thoughts i have stems from trauma. i constantly am aware of myself and my thoughts, making everything i do feel inauthentic, and constantly judging from a therapists pov if what i'm doing is healthy or not, or i guess constantly thinking of every outcome of every situation and avoiding doing anything to avoid making mistakes or getting made fun of or embarrassed. i miss not caring or obsessing over everything. and i have the constant need to over-explain my ocd thought spirals and get reassurance, or confess certain ones, everything making me feel like a horrible person!! and intrusive thoughts have become more common. one big fear i obsess over is i start thinking way too much and fighting the thoughts, and i'll start getting really scared like all i am is thoughts, and like no one can ever know the true me if i have all these thoughts and feelings in my head that i don't even have words to explain, and when i try it just takes so long to explain them, it's driving me crazyyyy T_T but i tried sitting with the fear that maybe i am my thoughts in my head, maybe no one does know me, maybe no one will ever understand me, and just trying to be okay with it, and it helped a lot, i started hearing the spiraling thoughts start feeling like that was ridiculous, and of course people know me, it just finally started being reasonable. & the worst one besides the constant observing and judging, is this feeling that there is just something wrong that i need to figure out, or that i'm forgetting, something like that. it's horrible and so difficult to explain how it feels.
it literally hurts in my brain aghh T_T
i have so many different ocd thought obsessions i could go on forever about them. and i remember literally having them so young. its crazy. i hope they go away on the medicine. i have only very recently been realizing how much my trauma affected me. and feeling like a whole person coming together from different versions of myself and my life that i had in my head, i dont know lol. like, all my memories actually did happen to me, and they actually do affect me, ALOT.
I didn't even realize my whole family was abusive to me until i was 17, i'm 21 now. I just moved out of their house like two months ago. before that, i thought i knew everything about myself. i had spent so long inside my head that i thought i had figured out everything, the reasons behind why i did everything. i learned how to see from everyones perspective, (i thought) and idk, i just thought i had everything about my mind figured out. My identity was the only thing i was missing then. i thought not that much was wrong with me, and my childhood didn't affect me that much cause it wasn't that bad.
Now going to therapy and doing deeper trauma work, i knew absolutely nothing about myself. and it's suchh a scary feeling. i feel lost in my own mind, and now my identity issues are so much worse. i don't know how to naturally get interested in things anymore. my ocd clings onto it and i become too aware of whether i'm going to be interested and obsessed with it or not, ( i used to get obsessions with things, but i'm not able to anymore it seems because of this) and whether it would even be worth it to get interested in it, and it's so frustrating and makes me feel so inauthentic!!!
but yeah. i feel like a different person every day and it's so scary. and i can't differentiate myself from the ocd and the thoughts. it attacks EVERYTHING.
sorry for the rambling, my main point is that i'm just so confused. i thought i knew alot more about myself than i did. it's just very weird to learn about all these things my brain has learned to do and ways to react that i had no idea about.
i should hopefully be seeing an ocd specialist soon. i really hope she can help. i have a huge fear that my kind of ocd can't be helped.
this weird feeling in my head like something's wrong and i have to figure it out is driving me nutz! i guess i would ask for advice for this kind of ocd. and if anyone can relate. thanks :)
but almost every ocd obsessive thoughts i have stems from trauma. i constantly am aware of myself and my thoughts, making everything i do feel inauthentic, and constantly judging from a therapists pov if what i'm doing is healthy or not, or i guess constantly thinking of every outcome of every situation and avoiding doing anything to avoid making mistakes or getting made fun of or embarrassed. i miss not caring or obsessing over everything. and i have the constant need to over-explain my ocd thought spirals and get reassurance, or confess certain ones, everything making me feel like a horrible person!! and intrusive thoughts have become more common. one big fear i obsess over is i start thinking way too much and fighting the thoughts, and i'll start getting really scared like all i am is thoughts, and like no one can ever know the true me if i have all these thoughts and feelings in my head that i don't even have words to explain, and when i try it just takes so long to explain them, it's driving me crazyyyy T_T but i tried sitting with the fear that maybe i am my thoughts in my head, maybe no one does know me, maybe no one will ever understand me, and just trying to be okay with it, and it helped a lot, i started hearing the spiraling thoughts start feeling like that was ridiculous, and of course people know me, it just finally started being reasonable. & the worst one besides the constant observing and judging, is this feeling that there is just something wrong that i need to figure out, or that i'm forgetting, something like that. it's horrible and so difficult to explain how it feels.
it literally hurts in my brain aghh T_T
i have so many different ocd thought obsessions i could go on forever about them. and i remember literally having them so young. its crazy. i hope they go away on the medicine. i have only very recently been realizing how much my trauma affected me. and feeling like a whole person coming together from different versions of myself and my life that i had in my head, i dont know lol. like, all my memories actually did happen to me, and they actually do affect me, ALOT.
I didn't even realize my whole family was abusive to me until i was 17, i'm 21 now. I just moved out of their house like two months ago. before that, i thought i knew everything about myself. i had spent so long inside my head that i thought i had figured out everything, the reasons behind why i did everything. i learned how to see from everyones perspective, (i thought) and idk, i just thought i had everything about my mind figured out. My identity was the only thing i was missing then. i thought not that much was wrong with me, and my childhood didn't affect me that much cause it wasn't that bad.
Now going to therapy and doing deeper trauma work, i knew absolutely nothing about myself. and it's suchh a scary feeling. i feel lost in my own mind, and now my identity issues are so much worse. i don't know how to naturally get interested in things anymore. my ocd clings onto it and i become too aware of whether i'm going to be interested and obsessed with it or not, ( i used to get obsessions with things, but i'm not able to anymore it seems because of this) and whether it would even be worth it to get interested in it, and it's so frustrating and makes me feel so inauthentic!!!
but yeah. i feel like a different person every day and it's so scary. and i can't differentiate myself from the ocd and the thoughts. it attacks EVERYTHING.
sorry for the rambling, my main point is that i'm just so confused. i thought i knew alot more about myself than i did. it's just very weird to learn about all these things my brain has learned to do and ways to react that i had no idea about.
i should hopefully be seeing an ocd specialist soon. i really hope she can help. i have a huge fear that my kind of ocd can't be helped.
this weird feeling in my head like something's wrong and i have to figure it out is driving me nutz! i guess i would ask for advice for this kind of ocd. and if anyone can relate. thanks :)
