Relationship I Guess We Just Broke Up

[Glara]

I guess he just broke up with me in a roundabout way. I will accept what he says and keep my head in that place. I will tell him he knows how to reach me. He's texting me telling me he took his gun put to the woods to end it all last week. This week he's telling me not to wait and he doesn't know what I want from him, he may never change. I have no choice but to hear what he's saying. What else can I do?

 

[shimmerz]

This week he's telling me not to wait and he doesn't know what I want from him

It is difficult to know what others want from us when we are so filled with chaos inside. I suggest you not take that personally.

Be prepared for push pull (not that you haven't gotten it already) but perhaps even more so. I won't address what is going on with him but instead your mental health through all of this. It sounds like you have reached out your hand to help. You said you will be there for him if he needs you. You are standing back because he asked you to. What more can you do? I think that you are reacting in a very clear headed manner. Keep it up.

 

[Glara]

I told him I don't want anything from him but that he should know I'm always here for him. I told him I'd be down to stay with my friend who's daughter died but I wouldn't stay extra to have time alone with him. I told him when I'd be there and he could visit if he wants, it's his call. He said he wants to, which means it's just as friends. I just wish he hadn't come on so strong in the beginning. It's better that I know where in stand.

 

[Justmehere]

:hug: I'm so sorry he can't be the kind of boyfriend you really do deserve to have - one who can really be there for you as much as you are for him. :( It sounds like dating is just too much for him right now - he is chronically backing out and abandoning you, so unable to hang in for even a long distance relationship. You sound like a truly great person and a wonderful catch. My heart goes out to you.

 

[Glara]

Yes, but now he's asking from pictures again. When I was there he bought me some sexy clothes to wear, but we never got to. Now he wants pics and asked me to bring them when I come down to visit my friend. He wants me to wear them on his Harley, but he doesn't want to be alone with me, aka sex. Ughhhh

 

[Glara]

Still texting, begging for pics. Idk what to think. Maybe real intimacy is too much?

 

[Deleted member 27524]

I'm confused, he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you but he is asking for sexy pics?

 

[joeylittle]

Maybe real intimacy is too much?

Maybe. But from having read the story of you and this man, I'd say that @Justmehere is right - he's not ready for any kind of relationship. And this:

He's texting me telling me he took his gun put to the woods to end it all last week.

Is reason for his priority to be help, not dating. I'm not anything resembling a relationship expert - but I think if you care about this guy as a friend, the only message he needs to be hearing right now is that he needs more reliable, consistent professional help. Not sexy pictures.

 

[Glara]

He's in therapy and I suggested he see the priest that helped him last time he was suicidal. I guess I think he's pulling away because he's in a bad place. He wants to see me when I'm there, but not romantically but he is still asking for pics. Yes, that's why I'm confused. I can deal with it if he's not ready for anything under the circumstances it makes sense. I told him I will always be there no matter what he wants. And even though his life is confusing right now it's still worth living (his job may be closing, it's been like that for the last year. He doesn't know where he'll go if that happens). So I tell him it's ok and he can visit when I'm there if he wants. I also tell him I'm still gonna check in with him everyday ( I told him that after he told me how suicidal he had been feeling. I said I'd check in twice a day so I don't have to call a hotline). After I said all that he said he's not running away, all is good and started asking for pics again. He used to always ask, almost everyday. Not just sexy ones. Regular ones too. My head is spinning. I have to go vote and run errands then I need wine.

 

[Shadowofdoubt]

Glara I too have been following your story with this man. I am amazed how level headed you are, though I can imagine the toll it must be on your emotions. It is not easy to be selfless and put aside your own needs and wants while supporting and trying to understand the one you care for. It can leave you feeling empty, unfulfilled, and so confused. I do admire you greatly and I am hoping that eventually this relationship will be a success. I feel for you ..hugs.

 

[Justmehere]

Some of his behavior is beginning to sound almost like Borderline Personality Disorder. I am not diagnosing him, I can't, it just is beginning to feel that way.
He becomes suicidal, when you offer unconditional support, he breaks up with you and tells you to move on, and you still offer unconditional support, then he does this:

After I said all that he said he's not running away, all is good and started asking for pics again. He used to always ask, almost everyday. Not just sexy ones. Regular ones too. My head is spinning. I have to go vote and run errands then I need wine.

BPD can develop in relation to trauma, especially complex trauma... but it's also it's own complicated mess to deal with at times. It's very hard to stay clear headed when in romantic relationships with people who are very symptomatic with borderline type symptoms - and it's often not a good idea for the person who is borderline and has strong symptoms (like sucidality) to be dating until their symptoms are in better control. It sounds like he is realizing he is treating you like crap, feels bad, then rejects you, then feels alone and pulls you back in, and then down and down you both go... It is beginning to feel like he is almost using you to feel better and ignore his symptoms and ignore diving deeper into his treatment. It might actually be in his best interest to not be dating anyone right now... Maybe I am very wrong. These are just some of my own thoughts that come from my experiences, both personally and professionally with people who did a lot of push/pull kinds of things, and some people who has full blown BPD.

Sometimes it is good to stay involved with someone with BPD - it does take much skill and boundaries to handle it in a healthy manner for both. And sometimes it is best for both parties to back up and take space for awhile as the suffer gets treatment for the underlying trauma for awhile. This is often true in cases where there is just PTSD and no BPD, or more mild symptoms of BPD.

 

[Glara]

@Justmehere that makes a lot of sense. I feel like I'm being used but I couldn't figure out for what? Don't really know what to say to him at this point. Either way, for now I have to get in my head that we are just friends. Any ideas on how to talk to him would be greatly appreciated, and even though you can't diagnose I think I'll read up on BPD. Thanks