I Had Another Flashback Yesterday

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And I just need a place to vent it out.

Lately I've been having flashbacks. They started small, but quickly are getting worse and more frequent. I was having sex with my Fiance, and I was taken back. I felt like I was in my parent's basement. I knew the colors of the blankets, even which particular comforter set my mom had on it, I was on the corner, and I could see what I think was the antique Victrola in front of me, kitty cornered to the wall.

I felt like I was there, and when everything stopped, I had trouble when I opened my eyes and realized that... I wasn't there.
These are scary feelings because I've been "the crazy girl" my entire life. A lot of the time, I felt like this: If I got emotional, it got me in trouble. If I spoke out about something I cared about, I was talking back. If I was hurt, I wasn't supposed to be hurt in the first place so it was my fault for getting hurt.
I keep having these flashbacks, all different types.
Yesterday I smelled the spring air, the pungent pine, and when I inhaled, I thought of Blockbuster.
I used to go there every weekend or something. I guess we had a movie night? Attempted movie nights. Mom constantly tried to unite the family. Movie night I assume was just another one of those efforts. And I could feel what it was like to sit on a specific dusty ledge on the inside pane of the store, looking outside.
It all feels so extremely, overwhelmingly real.
But so did this flashback I had yesterday.
And so did the one that I had before that, when I was having sex with my Fiance a time before this.

This most recent one, I felt my dad's presence.
In the one before that, it was my brother's.

And I think to myself, and I get sick at the thought like it could have been both. Because ideally, I'd rather just be crazy again. I'd rather just be making it up. I'd really rather just be psychotic and need heavy doses of medication or something like that.
And I know I used to be so stubborn about being right, but this time... Just let me be wrong.

 

[Deleted member 31998]

And I just need a place to vent it out.

Lately I've been having flashbacks. They started small, but...

I can completely resonate with this. This ailment has a way of reappearing right when you think you've moved on. It's okay to feel this way. What helps you through these flashbacks? Does your fiancé know about these? Take it easy. Breathe.

 

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@Link Removed I wanted him to leave so I could process the information by myself. I was telling him to go shopping or do something so I could have alone time.
I tend to isolate when I'm scared, and I was scared as hell. I think he could sense that fear from a mile and a half away, because he knows me. I ended up breaking down, telling him what I had felt. I've kept him in the loop (sort of) because I let him know that I've had a flashback sometimes, but not what it was like, or even consistently. But I full on broke down in front of him.

You're definitely right when you say

This ailment has a way of reappearing right when you think you've moved on.

Because it's getting real tiring real fast to feel okay, start making plans to move on with my life, applying to jobs, creating art, doing what I love, and then suddenly memories kick down the door to my life and start intruding again. I isolate, I become panicky again, I start cleaning, and I don't stop cleaning.
It's like the memories don't even have the decency to knock, haha.

(double post) What helps when I have flashbacks is to immediately go draw them out. I have a map of my house drawn out and I just put a little ! where in the house I could see I was, and then I number it and put a corresponding number on the back.
I write out what I felt like, what helped me calm down in the moment which is usually this entire process, and anything that could be useful for when I do have a therapist and I can tell them the things that I've been experiencing.