I Hate Being This Scared.

[timid_flower]

Well today started ok, compared to yesterday I was feeling much better. Unfortunately today is our office holiday party. It's an all afternoon event. Being around people all day. I don't feel well enough to be there, but I can't escape it.

30 minutes into it, and I have already been startled by 3 different people sneaking up on me. No one really understands my reaction, so everyone just kind of laughs it off. It has left me feeling completely on edge and anxious.

I had to get away for a few minutes, so I'm sitting in my office with the lights off. Strangely, darkness comforts me a bit. I don't know how I'm going to make it through the day.

 

[BloomInWinter]

(((((timid_flower)))))

It's so hard to be frightened in safe places. I deal with that too.

The nice thing is, now that I'm less judgmental of myself for just being whatever I am, I've noticed that many, if not most of the people in these places with me feel exactly the same way, PTSD or no. Seems like there's few people who really can fully enjoy the experience without a little bit of stress.

I'm sure that you didn't look any different to others than all the rest. It may feel like our reactions are on full blast but thankfully, most people are too busy worrying about themselves to even think about it for more than a second or two.

Good for you for being brave and doing it anyway!!!

 

[Britt.f7]

When people do that I would try to tell them, I really hate when people do that. I know they mean no harm and that they are just having fun, but it isn't fun for me.

It is good that you took the time you needed and sat in your office. I can understand the comfort in the dark. Less stimulation. I often go to a quiet place in my dad's house during family gatherings because it is all too much to me.

I agree with BloomInWinter that you probably don't look any different, or as different as you think you do, then anyone else in the same situation. I know I feel people must think I'm ridiculous when I flinch when someone touches me. Truth is, I think most people truly do not notice it.

 

[timid_flower]

I'm sure that you didn't look any different to others than all the rest

I agree with BloomInWinter that you probably don't look any different, or as different as you think you do, then anyone else in the same situation.

Turns out they did notice. Several times I heard "You are being very paranoid today". I felt like telling them I'm paranoid everyday, and today was especially bad for me. Of course I didn't, I don't really want to share too much with them. Only one girl at the office knows about my PTSD. I think she noticed I was having a bad day because at one point she warned me that she was behind me and didn't want to startle me.

I sat in my office for awhile and took some medication for anxiety. I am exhausted, but thankfully I was able to get through it. In a way I feel accomplished. It wasn't easy, and I had to take short breaks all day and medication, but I did it.

Thanks for the support BloominWinter and Britt.f7 :)

 

[DharmaGirl]

Well done getting through. I startle so easily, I scream when the phone rings. I know how exhausting it must have been for you, but how good you must feel about it.

 

[Smushroom]

Well done for getting through :) I wish I had anxiety medication to take. At least I have some company here if I can't join the others! :)

 

[timid_flower]

Well done getting through

Well done for getting through

Thank you monster1977 and Smushroom.

Strange what that sense of accomplishment will do. In the midst of a bad day, a little mental clarity. For the first time in weeks I actually believe I'm not a lost cause.

 

[Britt.f7]

"You are being very paranoid today

I very much hate it when people say this. :mad: It certainly doesn't help any. :confused: