I Hate Myself

[Deleted member 1860]

Is it an option for you to go to college/university early? That would be one way to escape your parents earlier. They are being so rough on you and it breaks my heart! I know I tell adults to get the hell out of bad situations, but I don't know what to say when its a kid/teenager living with abusive parents.

It makes me sad when I hear about parents putting so much pressure on their kids to succeed. Your career in life isn't the determining factor as to whether or not you are a success as a human being. Wealth doesn't determine happiness. I've known some very wealthy people who were the most miserable human beings, founder of a major company and rich beyond imagination. I've also known some very poor people who have had little education but were quite happy with their lives. Don't let your parents interpretation on "success" make you feel like you aren't good enough.

The truth is that you're a smart kid and that puts you ahead, even when dealing with traumatic situations and such.

 

[Deleted member 28403]

@Solara

If only, there is basically no way for a person that hasn't finished school to go to Uni. I am 14 years old and don't have all needed stuff for Uni. If I get to one of top 3 places in country on a competition, I have automatic 100% chance of getting into any high school, which means I could maybe try to get to live in another city that way, but it's all hard to achieve.

 

[sun seeker]

I've said this before, but I'll say it again: what your parents are doing is emotionally abusive and not normal. Don't let them make you believe there is something wrong with you. It just isn't true. It's really hard not to take it personally when you are there all the time and depend on them, but you need to keep reminding yourself that this is really not about you. They have some serious insecurity issues that they are taking out on you from the sound of it.

I have just one suggestion, and I'm not sure whether it would work but it's worth a try. Could you - calmly and non-confrontationally - ask your parents exactly how much time they expect you to spend studying and whatever else it is they want you to be doing? Make a schedule, like "two hours math, three hours music, one hour chores" or whatever. Set it down on paper, like a calendar spanning at least a week, and put it up in a prominent place. Check things off as you complete them. I say this because it seems like they are always demanding you do more no matter how much you do. If you can show them concretely that you have done exactly what they have demanded you do (or more), they won't have a leg to stand on to complain that you don't do enough. If they do, you can, again calmly, point out the chart and the fact that you have already done what they asked of you, and say, "It was my understanding that this was what you expected me to do. Has this changed? If so, let's redo the schedule." I'm suggesting a disarming strategy rather than either taking the abuse or fighting fire with fire. If they won't participate in this, then they are impossible to reason with - one more reason to keep telling yourself that this is not about you. But I think it's worth a try.

 

[sun seeker]

I just have one more thought in addition to the above. This isn't for your parents, it's for you. It doesn't follow that if a "normal" kid should be spending nine hours a day studying, a genius should be spending more. The genius, more than most people, needs a lot of down time. The thought process is not linear. It takes a great deal of inner work, or even daydreaming, that is invisible to the outside world, before those sparks of insight that we call genius come to light in a tangible way. The greater the level of intelligence, the fewer repetitions it takes to learn new material and the more of the learning process occurs in the person's head. Just something for you to be aware of, not that I think it would help to tell your parents this! :-) I have a great deal of experience around geniuses.

 

[Changing4Best]

My parents used to argue like a cat and a dog and when they were not doing that, my dad was yelling at me about something. I left their house the day I finished high school, didn't even wait to go to my graduation. I made the 95% honor roll in high school, my mom was proud of me, especially since I got accepted at the college that she had always wanted to go to. She borrowed my college loans from the place she worked, it was a corporation perk she had the opportunity to do, which helped me a lot.

My dad, on the other hand, was never really pleased with anything I did. He did not approve of the husband I married, nor much of anything I did as an adult accept when we bought a motel. Then all of a sudden he was pleased with me, because I let them come and stay with us whenever they wanted to for free. I figured it was the least I could do after they put me through college.

My best advice to you is not to say anything to them unless you are asked a question. Then answer it and go on about your business. Keep your head down, don't argue with them, whatever you do. There is nothing wrong with doing studies and more studies, but if they are making you work in their business, I can understand your upset. They should work and support you while you take care of your studies and do your homework. If they are not doing this, in my opinion, they are not being good to you.

Remember, no matter how they criticize you or belittle you or yell at you, do your best to keep your head down, let it roll off of you and don't reply (unless they ask you a question, then answer it as simply as you can). If you stay busy with your schoolwork, they should not be bothering you or yelling at you.

If they ask you if you need anything, ask for magazines and books and software, etc. that will enhance your schoolwork. Study as much as you can, so you can get into the best high school and eventually the best university. And if you get a chance to go to a school in another city, go for it!

May God bless your life's journey, and protect you from negativity from your parents. Amen.

 

[soleilsalve]

If the "work" they expect you to do is study, then maybe you can read something you enjoy and tell them it's part of your schoolwork. Reading helped me survive an abusive childhood and it also made it possible for me to get an excellent education. There are SO MANY good books in the world. You're bound to find something that makes you laugh or takes you to another world and gets your mind off your problems.
You might also try using your existing skills in a creative manner. Maybe you can lose yourself in designing a website or creating an app.

 

[Deleted member 28403]

@soleilsalve

I read the whole Fantasy & SF section of the library, and have also been reading many scientific books and everything else (reason I wear glasses). The problem is that thry want to see results of the work I do, and they set me results that I can't really achieve. And they often make me sit at the table and work till 11PM-Midnight. I can't just sit around and act like I work, because they want to see tons of stuff that was done, so time spent itself isn't enough often. I am stuck like this.

On daily basis they tell me I will fail in life because I don't work enough and that I will be kicked out of high school and be a failure. They are unsatable.

 

[soleilsalve]

Ok, they're nuts. They're absolutely crazy. Try not to let it rub off on you.
Is there a counselor at school that you can talk to? And perhaps that person could in turn drop hints at your parents? Anyone sane knows that you have to take breaks.
FWIW, you can still read for pleasure outside the world of SCI-FI. If you like adventure, try Alexandre Dumas (The Count of Monte Cristo, The Three Musketeers). Sure, the language is a bit archaic, but they're exciting stories and it'll stretch your brain in a good way. ;-) Hopefully, your parents won't object to you reading established works of literature.
Hang in there, and try to find something--no matter how small--to look forward to. (Come to think of it, I should really learn to take my own advice....)

 

[Deleted member 28403]

@soleilsalve By saying that I read fantasy and SF, I meant I finished all books of Fantasy genre and all books of that type (including reading Odyssey original song once). I got nothing.

 

[Changing4Best]

I agree that they are crazy and that you should seek help through your guidance counselor. Try to give details to the counselor, as they need some solid info to go on. Be prepared for them to speak with your parents, usually by calling them in or at the very least by phone. Be prepared for some backlash from your parents about this. However, I see it as they only way to get some help and to get out from under this torment.

By the way, what do you think your parents are afraid of? Did they come from UNEDUCATED families that did not value education or something? Are they failures themselves and fear that you will end up the same as they are? What drives them to push you over the edge like this?

 

[Deleted member 28403]

@SheilaKathy

My dad is from a family in which parents didn't care too much about him and took more care of his younger brother... He finished Engineering and got PhD for History. Formally unemployed, earns money off contractless jobs.

Mother finished two Universities simultaneously, and got PhD and created a Theology Faculty and 'broke her back' on it, being the dean and one of co founders of it... They are simply work freaks..

My older sister has and had stomach ache for the whole time she lived with us, due to stress they induce with their way of thinking being equal to what is stereotypically presented as 'asian dad'. They shoved into our heads that if we aren't perfect, we will faio in life and so on... Ugh... :cry:

I'm tired of everything and have two hours a day when I completely crash and go down to 10-20% work capability.

 

[Changing4Best]

I'm so sorry, Ota, that this is happening to you. I have been praying for you. You need a lot of prayers, for it looks like the only One who can do anything about this is God. I will continue to pray for you and I hope others will too!