phoenix712
New Here
...but that's currently what I'm dealing with.
From the middle of September until last week I felt like I was actually doing consistently well for the first time in a long time. My symptoms weren't that bad, I gave up caffeine, I didn't drink too much, I made it to work every day, I didn't bail on plans, I actually ate 3 meals a day on a consistent basis, started to actually look at new jobs to get out of my current dead-end job, I joined the gym...I was feeling pretty well.
And now I'm not.
I know it's probably always going to be two steps forward - one step back. But I'm just really beat down at the moment.
Years ago on November 15th I was sexually assaulted. Guns, threats, all that jazz. It was a very complex situation and because of that I didn't handle it the "correct" way. And for years after on the beginning of every April I would receive threatening/reminding letters from him. He knows who I am. I don't know who he is. Fortunately I haven't heard from him in a few years - but I sometimes feel like I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop, and that I'll hear from him again and that'll be the final straw. That is my major trauma - on top of just other more minor bullshit.
I was an anxious/depressed mess for years (still kind of am) - but have, within the past couple years, actually been doing some work on trying to heal. I have some great friends in my life who are supportive, even when I'm a twitchy mess who can't get sentences out that make sense enough to talk about. I'd absolutely be lost without that.
But right now I feel so alone and so low.
My roommate is one of my best friends and has been nothing but supportive - even though I only broke the news of my diagnosis to her a few months ago. She has known me for years, so has been through a lot of the ups and downs with me and I think kind of assumed the diagnosis before I told her. She's been great - although she's only human and not a pro on PTSD, so I think it would be fair if she was frustrated/upset by some of my bad days/symptoms - which I feel awful about. I definitely struggle with wanting to talk/vent without seeming like a burden or bringing this dark cloud down on our apartment - but that type of communication is not something I'm good at.
Regardless of that, I told her the 15th was a tough day and she offered to help keep me entertained. We did some things around the city and met up with some friends. I was was ok, but definitely extra fidgety. When the night became too much I left and went to see another good friend. I was twitchy, but forgave myself for that and was doing ok. Sunday was a bit of the same - happy to be with friends, but still very on edge and thinking too much. Then later Sunday night the depression swung in for a visit. I made it through half of work on Monday and then came home, made a pillow fort, and curled up for the rest of the day. Tuesday I was angry. I was angry and full of a weird energy - but it was better than the dark cloud I felt in my chest and the lack of control of my tear ducts. But last night that started to turn into a depression again.
And now today - today I wanted to stay in bed for ever. But I eventually dragged myself out and to work, and have plans to try to go to the gym after. But I feel super low today, regardless of trying to push myself to do 'normal' things. Like...I'm just going through the motions of making 'good decisions' - but it doesn't even matter...cause I feel really rotten inside.
Twitchy and angry seem much more manageable than this soul crushing feeling I'm currently having. And it just makes me feel so alone.
I don't even really know why I wrote all this. I think I just needed to spew a bit...and maybe not feel as alone and crushed by this....
From the middle of September until last week I felt like I was actually doing consistently well for the first time in a long time. My symptoms weren't that bad, I gave up caffeine, I didn't drink too much, I made it to work every day, I didn't bail on plans, I actually ate 3 meals a day on a consistent basis, started to actually look at new jobs to get out of my current dead-end job, I joined the gym...I was feeling pretty well.
And now I'm not.
I know it's probably always going to be two steps forward - one step back. But I'm just really beat down at the moment.
Years ago on November 15th I was sexually assaulted. Guns, threats, all that jazz. It was a very complex situation and because of that I didn't handle it the "correct" way. And for years after on the beginning of every April I would receive threatening/reminding letters from him. He knows who I am. I don't know who he is. Fortunately I haven't heard from him in a few years - but I sometimes feel like I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop, and that I'll hear from him again and that'll be the final straw. That is my major trauma - on top of just other more minor bullshit.
I was an anxious/depressed mess for years (still kind of am) - but have, within the past couple years, actually been doing some work on trying to heal. I have some great friends in my life who are supportive, even when I'm a twitchy mess who can't get sentences out that make sense enough to talk about. I'd absolutely be lost without that.
But right now I feel so alone and so low.
My roommate is one of my best friends and has been nothing but supportive - even though I only broke the news of my diagnosis to her a few months ago. She has known me for years, so has been through a lot of the ups and downs with me and I think kind of assumed the diagnosis before I told her. She's been great - although she's only human and not a pro on PTSD, so I think it would be fair if she was frustrated/upset by some of my bad days/symptoms - which I feel awful about. I definitely struggle with wanting to talk/vent without seeming like a burden or bringing this dark cloud down on our apartment - but that type of communication is not something I'm good at.
Regardless of that, I told her the 15th was a tough day and she offered to help keep me entertained. We did some things around the city and met up with some friends. I was was ok, but definitely extra fidgety. When the night became too much I left and went to see another good friend. I was twitchy, but forgave myself for that and was doing ok. Sunday was a bit of the same - happy to be with friends, but still very on edge and thinking too much. Then later Sunday night the depression swung in for a visit. I made it through half of work on Monday and then came home, made a pillow fort, and curled up for the rest of the day. Tuesday I was angry. I was angry and full of a weird energy - but it was better than the dark cloud I felt in my chest and the lack of control of my tear ducts. But last night that started to turn into a depression again.
And now today - today I wanted to stay in bed for ever. But I eventually dragged myself out and to work, and have plans to try to go to the gym after. But I feel super low today, regardless of trying to push myself to do 'normal' things. Like...I'm just going through the motions of making 'good decisions' - but it doesn't even matter...cause I feel really rotten inside.
Twitchy and angry seem much more manageable than this soul crushing feeling I'm currently having. And it just makes me feel so alone.
I don't even really know why I wrote all this. I think I just needed to spew a bit...and maybe not feel as alone and crushed by this....
