I Have A Bad Habit Of Assuming Too Much. Need Wisdom.

[p-no]

@gizmo

I saw your thread a while ago and wanted to let you know what has helped me. I'm not even close to have overcome it, though. Plus, I am not quite sure I understand correctly what it is that you assume? I mean, I cannot picture any concrete situations. So maybe, this will not help but maybe you'd like to check it out.

I came across "Nonviolent Communciation" (NVC) by Marshall Rosenberg. NVC can not just be applied; there is a four-part process to be learned and then applied in *each* piece of communication with another, and self! It is that four-part process that has helped me assume less and "hear" myself and others more. The process helps me discern facts and "fiction" ("fiction" being assumptions, judgement, etc.). The NVC process is something that can be learned on paper, which is the good news, IMO! You can take real-life situations and work through them one by one on paper and discern observations, feelings, needs... and once done so formulate requests to self or another and therefore contribute tremendously not only to assuming and judging less but also to "hearing" yourself and others more and actually really getting your *needs* met. To me, it is a huge part of self-care. I am very grateful that a friend pointed me to it. It can transform a person with time and effort, and judging from experience, really help a person with traumatic experiences caused by people.

There's a "Nonviolent Communication" webpage... If you decide to check it out, make sure you find the information based on Marshall B. Rosenberg's concept; since he's in his 80s now, other people have surfaced who have changed his concept according to their beliefs, i.e. so their "versions" may be called NVC as well, but not be the original thing.

Good luck.

 

[Go Hungry]

I know exactly what you mean. I used to be so bad at assuming what other people were thinking that I would finish their sentences for them. It was a massively jerky thing to do, and they hated it. But I was so suspicious of every single human being on the planet that I did that. It took a while to figure out that you can't judge what a person is thinking just because of their words. I mean, sometimes I still find myself trying to 'read between the lines' so to speak. But usually I respond with to whatever they are saying directly, or with rote responses. The rotes aren't so good either, because it's a way at trying to distance myself from the situation. :banghead: But yes, I totally get you. It's the hypervigilance doing the thinking, and it's hard to work your way out of it.

@gizmo

I came across "Nonviolent Communciation" (NVC) by Marshall Rosenberg. NVC can not just be applied; there is a four-part process to be learned and then applied in *each* piece of communication with another, and self! It is that four-part process that has helped me assume less and "hear" myself and others more. The process helps me discern facts and "fiction" ("fiction" being assumptions, judgement, etc.).

Good luck.

This is very interesting, and I may have to look into it. :)

 

[Deleted member 12723]

p no Thank you so much for the information. Was it a book that you first recommended? I could do a book.

I think my assuming is a survival skill I developed in a very abusive childhood with my abusive parents.

But I find more and more it just an annoyance in my life now. I hate when I do it. I am slowly working on it. To do these exercises on paper means I have to slow down and really think about the things I listen to and respond accordingly. Thank you so much for taking the time to explain how this has really helped you so much. I am looking forward to learning and practicing the new skills. I know with practice there is always improvement. Thank you so much again. I really appreciate the help and support.


Go Hungry. Mabe this assuming is more common about abuse survivors because of the unpredictability of the abusive parents. I think I will first practice listening more and thinking things through before responding. thank you so much for your help and validation I appreciate it so much.

 

[p-no]

There are books about NVC, @gizmo , yes. Just "enter "Nonviolent Communication" and "Marshall Rosenberg" in any online bookstore (or order in a physical bookshop) and you can't miss it. There are also some resources on the web; some people who have trained in NVC have developed written exercises to practice and further, let me put it this way, non-self-harming communciation.

I think my assuming is a survival skill I developed in a very abusive childhood with my abusive parents.

It is the same with me. I was no individual, just an extension of my mother and in order to survive needed to predict her feelings, behaviour, wishes, expectations... in order to act/react accordingly. So, I do think I did learn to read her very well... but for a long time have also thought that everyone else (using the same phrases, having the same look on their faces etc.) meant the same (i.e. a certain look on a person's face meant in my experience I'd get hit). But everyone is different and I have had to learn that, and will be learning more and more as time goes by. Just wanted to let you know by saying all this that I think I understand and that I'm wishing you perseverance and strength for your journey down this road. I'm sure it's worth it.

 

[anthony]

I have a really bad habit of assuming too much

It takes lots of practice... and even then, you will still do it. We can only try not to assume... and hopefully do it very little in our lives, thus bettering our own communication methods.

 

[Philippa]

I think it's just a natural habit of the mind to do this. Even with loads of meditation experience, where I have fully seen the absolute folly in making assumptions, and checking my thinking to avoid this, I still do it. I agree with anthony, it's a life long practise of catching ourselves before we speak and assessing if this is really an accurate assumption or if it needs more questioning or prompting in some way. Always a work in progress.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

p no I ordered the book today to be shipped to my house and so appreciate your help and understanding on this subject. I sure see that is is a very common thing among survivors and I thought I was the only one. I am looking forward to studying the book and practicing what I learn. I love anything that has to do with non defensive communication.

Anthony is assuming a part of the human condition. I intend to practice, practice, practice.

Thanks Philippa for the insights. The seeming root of all miscommunication.

Thank you to everyone who knows about this and I now know I am not alone and to a point everyone does this and it will take a lifetime of practice to improve. I have learned so much from everyone.

 

[Tanishq]

OMG gizmo, I have came across so many people who are always assuming things. They act like they never make mistake. Here, you are being very different than them by recognizing it here and thinking to put an end to it. Kudos to you. :tup:

I believe you assume, may be you are trying to keep things to yourself. Look, there can be many things behind this assumption habit. Do you think do you try to keep all things to yourself? Do you share some of them with your loved ones? Please take this questions as I am trying to understand what you are going through here.

 

[Recovery4Me]

@p-no My son introduced me to NVC as it is required reading for Holistic Communities in order to interact in regeneration designing within ecology for sustainable linking of agriculture & ranching to new owners. Also our schools (in some states) are educating teachers & students in the hopes of cultivating tolerance.

@gizmo
This is one of those times I want to rattle off all those positive things I see in you.;) But I will behave & respectfully just offer -great thread.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Tanishq, I think I do keep some things to myself. Your question really made me think. I do not think I share some things with my family and friends. What a thought provoking and insightful question to ask. I will have to journal about this and think about this and come back to you.

Recovery4Me, Thank you for seeing positive things in me.

As I start my life over, I can see the many things that are surfacing in me now. And I want to deal and face these things.

 

[Tanishq]

Gizmo, I am glad I could help you in this. Yes, that was my first observation when I met people who assumed a lot. I also want to add something. This habit is very hard to take care of. Once it is in your mind, it spreads almost in every area of your life. I suggest you carefully analyze yourself. I am happy to see this. You are well balanced and trying to build good communication with people. I have belief you will work out this. You will find a way.

Assumptions can lead to misjudging and you know after then, there are lot of unwanted bad consequences of it. You are trying to take care of something very important. Rare to see, I must say this again.

Please take your time, time is all yours. Just need to work on right direction to work out what you keep to you. I also feel that will enhance your communication skills will grow by leaps and bounds. You have so much courage. I will try my best to support you in this.