Relationship I Have Completely Lost My Sh*t

[Wastinglight]

Why did you push him so hard in the relationship?

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Oh, sorry - I didn't mean that I pushed him hard in the relationship. I was always very patient and understanding - to the point that he told me I shouldn't sacrifice things for him (I wasn't). I meant that I kept talking at him after he broke up with me (it's only been 5 days) and I did that because I felt I needed him to understand why I did what I did, and also point out his role in the problem. I know that it wouldn't make a difference to how he feels right now, but maybe it will give him pause down the track.

You were not getting what you needed in the relationship or was he just flat out neglecting your emotional and physical needs?

I think earlier in the year he had both feet in the relationship. The past few months he's put less and less effort in, and been critical, irritable, intolerant of me. There were many times I started to feel like he didn't want me around- worse, that he didnt even like me. When I asked him why he behaved like that, he said he didn't know. How can he not know!? Wouldn't you put some effort into thinking about why you were treating your partner like shit? The worst of it is he hasn't disagreed with me when I told him what I thought his role in the relationship's problems were, yet he's still not even slightly interested in trying harder. Our issues are not insurmountable but he has just written me off like a bad investment - even though it seems he hasn't invested anything in the relationship for months. II have absolutely played my part in the relationship with my own anxiety disorder and trust issues, but I'm not one to give up on people so easily, not like he does. I think we could have had something good, but I need to stop trying now because I can see that this isn't a snap decision - he started giving up on us months ago.

I know I did the wrong thing by snooping in his computer, and I'm not excusing my behaviour, but that's not what ended the relationship. If it hadn't been that, it would have been something else. And to be perfectly honest, I would eventually have ended the relationship if he'd kept treating me the way he has been. I tried to talk to him about it many times, because I could see he was slipping away from me. But he said everything was fine, he was just tired/anxious/whatever. You can't resolve an issue with someone who won't acknowledge that it even exists. Unless both people want to try, there is no "us.".

 

[Wastinglight]

@Della - I thought long and hard about starting a relationship with him after he'd told me about his PTSD. I love him the way he is - and not despite all his issues and annoying bits - they are all part of him, and I love all of him. I didn't try to change him - I know from my own anxiety disorder that the only person that can do that is him. I was prepared to be there for him through thick and thin - all he had to do is show me that he was still trying. He is the only man I've ever wanted to marry. But he said to me on the night he broke up with me, that I feel much more strongly about him than he does about me (despite the fact that he admitted he loved me two days before he said that!). He has rejected me completely. I would still be willing to try if I saw that he truly was willing to, but I think he will do his utmost to make sure that any feelings that he might still have for me are well and truly suppressed. He is a good person but his boundaries are very rigid - he doesn't believe in giving second chances.

 

[Della]

Yeah, mine I'm beginning to feel that way about him as well. honey. I don't think he is going to give me another chance either. He said he will talk to me after my project is over with but I'm not sure if he even will take me back. He might just tell me that he thought about stuff and it is over. He had me blocked on his phone going on three weeks now. I'm beginning to lose hope myself. I can only leave messages on his desk phone and then he will call when he gets the message.. I'm tired of going back and forth too but I'm not going to press the issue anymore. I'm going to give him two more weeks and if no effort is made, then I will drop it. How long have you two been together?

 

[Peach]

Here's some more advice to think about a long while down the road when you're ready - The best revenge is living well. It's easy to think that the old phrase is stupid and that you want something more tangible, but when you think about it, it really is good advice because you're placing yourself on the high road.

I'm sorry this fell through for you...you've actually given me a lot of encouragement in my own situation over the past months. If you could manage to bring the two of you together under one roof, there was hope for me as well.

We never know what the future brings. I know this has thrown you for a loop and it is the WORST feeling in the world. It'll take time to heal but you will come out the other side and find something and someone better. This was a learning experience. You'll be better prepared next time. :hug:

 

[Wastinglight]

How long have you two been together?

Only 15 months. I know that's not very long - I was with my ex for 15 years. The funny thing is - I am more committed to my current man than I ever was to my ex in all the (long, Loooooong) years we were together!

The best revenge is living well. It's easy to think that the old phrase is stupid and that you want something more tangible

I don't think that's a stupid phrase at all. It's already popped into my head a few times, although I have no desire to take revenge on him. I know he bailed because he's overwhelmed and scared and feels betrayed and just doesn't want to try anymore. He's not an asshole. I wish him well (although I can't bear the thought of him being with someone else right now!).