Sufferer I Have Just Been Hiding For So Long

[melbatoast]

One of the reasons it has taken me a year of lurking to join the forum was the fear of getting caught up in memories, pulled into others' painful recollections, or exposed to trolls or abusers. mostly during that time what I've observed has been unbelievable compassion and care between members and a very well moderated forum like, the entire time.

But still, every time I try to write this post I get all dim and foggy and lose time. After 9 months of therapy I was officially assessed by a psychiatrist and that process completely burned me out. It was like having an autopsy performed on me. I had reached a level of recovery from doing yoga and quitting substances and cutting bad relationships to no/low contact. I had confronted abuse and spoken truth to power. I told my story again and again and again and I got sucked under. I became kind of a hermit for 5 years. My twenties have been spent mostly trying to hide from the world. I take no pleasure in telling my story and I am one of those who doesn't want to go back, doesn't want to remember, doesn't want to disclose, doesn't want it to be real.

Recently I have started reading a lot about brain physiology and that has helped me to accept my diagnosis with less shame and helped me to start communicating with 'parts' with less judgment. This is taking a lot of my energy but the resulting clarity and improved functioning/mindfulness has been a breakthrough in my recovery. I always knew the 'what' of getting better and that I needed to be more mindful, more observant but i was missing the 'how' for me personally. Learning about structural dissociation really gave me a roadmap and a downstream effect of this is that I have a greater tolerance for people again - hence my uncharacteristic joining of this forum! Yay for me for reaching out to humans on the internet! Apparently you actually need people or you like, starve yourself emotionally.

I'm fading pretty bad so that's it that's all I've got for now folks! Thx for reading if you made it this far.

 

[ihateusernames]

You did a great job! Congratulations on posting.

 

[Friday]

This is one of my favorite quotes of all time;

"Depression and trauma are disconnective disorders. They do not improve in isolation. To fix them you have to be connected to others."

Good on you.

 

[sun seeker]

every time I try to write this post I get all dim and foggy and lose time

I can so relate to this feeling. For me it comes up when I'm trying to tell my truth and part of me is telling me I'm not allowed to tell. I don't lose time, but can almost fall asleep while trying to talk about some of my trauma. Those gatekeepers can be very effective. Good for you for pushing through. It can be scary. I think it's important to do a little at a time and not push too far too fast though.

Learning about structural dissociation really gave me a roadmap and a downstream effect of this is that I have a greater tolerance for people again

Have you read the structural dissociation thread? It's quite extensive.

Welcome, I'm glad you are here.

 

[Nam]

Welcome to the forum. I hope it is what you need it to be.

 

[melbatoast]

Thank you for taking the time to respond to my intro and welcome me. I feel very welcomed :)

"Depression and trauma are disconnective disorders. They do not improve in isolation. To fix them you have to be connected to others."

Thank you for the encouragement :) It probably seems like a no brainer but I couldn't even imagine relational healing with others before I started to experience some healing my relationship with myself through parts. I couldn't be told, and I couldn't relate to the science in any other way than feeling doomed to die early, alone, with tons of health problems. I saw the outcomes I had already experienced from the way I grew up and compounding traumas in adulthoood and felt like it was already too late for me. I had to learn from experience that this is the truth and I had to give myself that experience because I didn't trust anyone else for long enough.

I can so relate to this feeling. For me it comes up when I'm trying to tell my truth and part of me is telling me I'm not allowed to tell. I don't lose time, but can almost fall asleep while trying to talk about some of my trauma...

The thread you mentioned was a complete revelation to me in so many ways helping me connect the dots of my own experience. I had used a dissociation workbook years ago and completely skipped anything about parts because I didn't identify with hearing voices and I didn't wake up in strange places with people I didn't know or live the united states of tara version. I will try to post more in the appropriate threads but just what you said about the posting struggle, it is kind of like writing by committee now that you mention it and I think I will start to try and treat it that way, negotiating more intentionally with parts about my posts. Parts are fearful of documenting my experience online for it to be used against me. I used to serve on a board of directors for a social justice group and remember being completely fried after every dysfunctional meeting. That situation went really bad and I was stalked pretty aggressively through a connection there so there's a lot going on for me when I post things online. I don't participate in any social media for this reason but I think minding the internal flock will help me participate more fully and live online again! Thanks for making it easier on me by bringing that up :)

 

[The Albatross]

Yay for you for coming off of lurk and welcome to the forum. :tup:

 

[Chava]

Welcome @melbatoast (love your name)

Good work jumping in here. Just curious, have you tried any body-focused therapies for trauma (like Somatic Experiencing)? You don't have to tell and rehash your trauma in all therapies. The body-focused people work more on "bottom-up" approach vs "top-down"...so working more directly with the traumatized and dysregulated parts of our nervous systems (some of these trauma researchers/theorists include Bessel van der Kolk, Pat Ogden, Peter Levine and Babette Rothschild if you're interested in any info along those lines).

I have been a hermit too. For me it seems to be about finding out who I am without all my standard forms of being around others in disconnected ways. So I've felt especially awkward as I've laid down some defenses. In some ways, isolation is a serious form of self-protection. But it can be slippery of course, and I'm personally trying to avoid that. Like @FridayJones said, it's about connection. I think I'm still in the safety phase, but well aware of my disconnection and trying to figure out where I feel safe enough to connect, and how. I know it's important.

 

[melbatoast]

Thanks @Chava.

I so relate to what you say about isolation as self-protection, I think I am in that same phase. Safety for me is becoming less and less about what other people are doing around me and more about how I can attend to myself by curating my own experience as much as possible and taking a step back to deal with whatever is coming at me bc I can't control everything. I want to be more flexible, available and adaptable but for now it's just where I'm at.

Before starting therapy again this year I found Rothschild's guide, '8 keys to safe trauma recovery' and VDK's 'The Body Keeps the Score' and I devoured them both. This time around I was able to assert boundaries around discussing trauma so that I could avoid getting flooded and bogged down. For some reason I thought I would get push back, mainly because all therapists I'd seen prior had wanted my life story at the beginning and then we would get bogged down in details and I would be activated all the time and feel like there was this weird voyeurism happening.

Now, basically, I pay attention to my bodily experiences and address what comes up as it comes up. Thinking about certain parts' experiences helps me get some distance from events, be compassionate toward myself and attend to needs in the moment. My T's approach is informed by sensorimotor psychotherapy, emdr and relational therapy and is very much in the VDK/Ogden/Rothschild camp.

My early experiences with SE techniques were mixed and a bit destabilizing but I think this had more to do with my inability to voice my needs/comfort level or even register my experiences. I didn't get that I couldn't think my way out of it and I wasn't feeling anything until after a session when I would be walking to my door and hit with weird flooding of seemingly unrelated events that caused intense negative feelings and that would go on for a week.

Things are going a lot better :)

 

[intothelight]

@melbatoast Welcome and I hope you find the forum beneficial to your healing.

 

[Ghostybear73]

Welcome to the forum!!!

 

[SabrinaB]

Okay, just reading your introduction and following posts have enlightened me. I'm so thrilled that you have joined this community and mostly for selfish reasons, if I'm to be honest. You express yourself beautifully, helping me already get a sense of the long journey you've traveled. Thank you for blessing us with the intimate gift of your inner self and I look forward to walking and talking with you as we continue along the path toward healing. I too lurked for over a year, have been reading vociferously, and have struggled to figure out how to connect with the brokenness inside of me. My life crashed to the ground over 2.5 years ago and I still can't find my way back to standing.

Slowly, gradually and with much reluctance I am reaching the realization that I need to break down the walls I spent almost 50 years erecting and reinforcing. My body demands to be heard, but no luck in locating a body-oriented psychologist in my area to facilitate the dialogue. I have yet to find anyone who is experiencing a similar array of symptoms. Am finally now conceding that an alternate approach may be called for, so am getting more willing to acknowledge the parts inside of me that hold the information I need to confront in order to recover. I feel like there is a stand-off within me and fear I will remain frozen in this place indefinitely if I don't muster the courage to admit to having these parts within myself. I am so averse that I've disavowed their existence and it is taking every ounce of my strength just to write these few sentences. I am so scared and therefore craving the assurance of yours and others' stories that I am not crazy and will find my through this.