I Have No Idea Anymore

[Sammyiam]

Hi everyone,

I have been struggling lately, most of the time I am very up and down. I feel like I'm such a bad person and don't like myself much at all. I am sitting here just thinking that why don't I have the courage to just make it all stop and become silent. I am so tormented by my mind that I am such a bad person and that I deserve to die this slow long horrible death because it's all my fault, that I am a bad person, I am worthless, it would be better if I wasn't here anymore, I wouldn't annoy anyone, I wouldn't do anything wrong, I am never good enough, I could go on and on.....

I feel that they are going to make me suffer this painful death because they can and it is because I have done something wrong, that's why it is going to happen to me, because I'm bad and it's all my fault that I'm going to die. I have these thoughts racing in my head so much tormenting me, that I am not living anymore, it's like someone has pushed this automatic button I do and say what needs to be done and said just to get me through the day, but inside I have already died.

I feel like an empty shell just going through the emotions of the day to day stuff, just to keep everything going in our household. I don't feel I can carry on like this anymore, it's driving me crazy inside to the point of no return. I feel that I am going to just be a burden on people and I don't want that. I never want to get like that, and feel that they would all be better off if I wasn't here. I just can't take much more of the feelings that I have of myself and what a terrible person I am.

I wish one day that I would just wake up and be another person, one that didn't hate herself so much that it just becomes normal the feelings of being bad, horrible, a loser and a big fat waste of space. I just never feel good enough. I never feel that I can become anything worth while, that being such a loser is my fault for not being a good person, and that if I had tried harder that I might have become a nice person.

I tried to tell my mum for the first time in my life that I loved her before she dies last week and it took over half an hour in my head of asking myself how do I say it, loud, fast, quiet, in the middle of a sentence so she might not notice, after about 30 mins of all the options going over and over in my head I finally plucked up the courage to just say it just before I left the care unit. I said I have to go now by mum I love you with my hands all sweaty and shaking I waited for the reply. She growled in a very stern voice and said bye. I said I'm really sorry and she said nothing so I sneaked out the door.

I sit here and feel I can not even get my mum to love me how can I expect anyone else to love me, if my very own mother can not. I so long to hear those words before she dies and feel her touch just once, I sat up town a couple of days ago and watched the people walking past it was so busy, people Xmas shopping and seen so many lovely mothers and daughters and their touch and warmth.

Even the mothers on their own I just wanted to run up to them and say can you please be my mum, can you please just hold me and hold me and hold me just once and say you love me. It's as if I just don't feel like a whole person as there is this huge hole in my heart that just longs for the touch of a mother figure, the smell of her being close to me the warmth of her heart beat next to my ear. The kind words that say I love you and that you will be alright. I will look after you, nothing bad is going to happen to you, I am here for you. Just that feeling safe in her arms and her liking me for who I am and what I am.

Not thinking that I am the worst person on the planet, my hair is wrong, you are a bad person, you are worthless and useless, you will never be any good at anything, I hate what you make and don't make me any. I will just be bankrupt and worthless. Nobody will ever give you a job the way you look and dress. You live in a terrible place and your house is terrible, I don't know what ever went wrong with you, why aren't you like your sister. You should be like her. God only knows what went wrong with you, I never will. Nothing I can do is every good enough.

She is in a care unit with congested heart failure and kidneys are shutting down, they have called the family and their is nothing they can do it's over, just how long it takes is the question, days weeks who knows. They took her off the fluid pills and she put on 6 kilos of fluid in less than 4 days, so they put her back on and that's shutting down the kidneys. I don't even know what to feel, she is my mum and she is dying, but what should I feel ?. All I feel is confusing thoughts in my brain. On one hand she is still my mum we only ever have one. On the other hand I just want it all to be over, then the guilt of feeling like that kicks in.

I just don't know what to do anymore I really don't and I am just getting so tired of it all I just can't seem to see an ending. I really don't think I can cope with it all anymore.

I am sorry for writing all this down, but I just don't know what else to do.

 

[SeanCharles]

how can I expect anyone else to love me, if my very own mother can not. I so long to hear those words before she dies and feel her touch just once.

You need to realize that love doesn't just come from around you! Love is and always will be within you. Before anyone can love you, you need to love yourself, you need to have self-respect and everything else that starts with the self, all of this first.

Expecting a parent to love you, who may not have learned love themselves, is something they won't be able to ever express. I know you expect her to change before she moves on from this life, maybe this is one of her unlearned lessons. Setting false and extremely unrealistic expectations only accomplishes one thing!

If I were in this position, I'd consider talking to a grief counselor.

Is she's in hospice? if so, I'd suggest talking to that counselor. Holding on to what your expecting and forgetting that without her love you can't love you for who you are is only hurting yourself.

---SeanGeo

 

[nursenurse]

Sammy, hugs to you. Death and the dying process is terribly difficult at the best of times, never mind when there is any animosity between family. You have endured some pretty horrific treatment from your Mom. Remember this, you have to love everyone due to their humanity, but lord, you don't have to like them, not even your Mom. There seems to be so much unresolved conflict, and I imagine a part of you is wrestling with the part that wants this to be over, relief, which means she will be dead, and the other part that feels horrible for feeling that way, versus maybe just wanting to have another kick at the can.

So what to feel? Nothing. If that is what you feel. See your therapist if you have one. Some folks like your Mom are bitter right until the very end. I have seen it time and again. And it has nothing to do with you, nothing to do with your own value, but everything to do with them as humans who have not sought out the best for their children. And why? Because she herself is sick in her soul. And she may be miserable right to the grave. And it still has nothing to do with you as a person, even though I know you will feel that way. Her attitudes, her inability to see you as the wonderful soul that you are, are problems so deeply embedded in her psyche that she cannot discern the reality of how she has treated you, how she should be loving you. and for whatever reason, she was unable through her life to extricate herself from this, by denial, by whatever, and so you have suffered.

Is it fair? Hell, no. A parent's job is to love and protect their children, and she did not. But that does not make you unworthy or any less of a person in this world. Give yourself time over this, you are more vulnerable to negative feelings about everything because of the pressure of the dying process, period. there is so much stress. Be kind to yourself. Look out for you and your own little family. Feel for them, remember to love them.

More hugs if you will accept them, my heart goes out to you in this painful time. We all want validation from our parents, and sometimes they are just unable to give it, pure and simple. I understand wanting it to be over. Be kind to yourself. Leave the guilt at the bedside. It is one of the most tiring and debilitating of feelings, and certainly not what you need. Take good care of yourself. You are so much more than what your mother led you to believe about yourself. And in the end, the loss has truly been hers all of her life. Don't let it take you down.

 

[KwanYingirl]

It's normal for any child or adult to yearn for their mothers love. There's nothing safer than to have a loving, caring, encouraging mother. Many women have babies and resent it from the get-go. They won't send the children to nursery school or dance lessons or the school play. They are bitter people with a weak character.

Those tapes running through your mind are her words. You deserve love and encouragement. I think it's just shit luck to be the vulnerable child in the family. The others see how she torments you, so instead of standing up for you, they join mommie dearest in her mission to unleash her demonic deeds.

Do you always feel blue when it's time to buy her a Mothers Day card? I read those cards about the greatest moms and how much they are loved and admired. I just get a blank notecard and wish her a good day.

I borrowed my best friends mother in my 20's. She was awesome and was so kind and loving and smart. I hope you can find someone like that. And I feel your pain.

 

[J_trustno1]

I agree with @SeanGeo. What he said was absolutely right about your mother. This woman is still in denial for what she's done. I have similar expectations from my father but I know that he and some of the other abusers of my life will never change. I always ask the question "why" they have done this and to which i have no answer. On the other hand you are trying to seek justice and love from a woman will probably never say the three words you've been longing for the odd 40 of your life Sammy. I know that it is a missing piece of your life and it is not easy to let go of this. In fact I have trouble letting go of the things of the past so I don't blame you for feeling the way you feel.

However, what you have said about yourself for being a bad person and not worth anything or etc etc, is totally untrue and false. You are a very sweet, loving and a caring lady but I know that you will only believe it if these words come from your mum which is exactly similar to my case where i want my father to tell me that i am good for something and I am not dumb. But the truth is we cannot change these people, it is easier to say than accept the reality because you have lived under the false hope that one day these people approve of us but it isn't going to happen and that is the bitter hard fact. I also have problem for wanting a loving father who would treat me like a princess and that is why i am looking for father love outside but doing that can also lead us in the wrong direction because you can never trust people. I mean we can't trust our own families then how can we trust strangers? Yes, there are some genuine people out there but not all of them are this kind.

I wish I could hold you and hug you and tell you that you are a special lady and a true sweetheart. I love you and I'm sure others on the forum who've met you also see you as a person of true inner beauty. Your kids love you, your husband loves you and your grandson also loves you except for that one person. Please try seeing yourself less harshly, again, it's easier said than done. My best wishes are with you Sammy and if you need to vent or talk please feel free to PM me. :hug:s

 

[Recovery4Me]

if my very own mother can not.

I said I have to go now by mum I love you with my hands all sweaty and shaking I waited for the reply. She growled in a very stern voice and said bye.

Biological birthing nor the legal paperwork of adoption... is not the same as being a mother. Within this day and age of blended families, loving caretakers are proof of that.

I am sorry that your parent is passing, I truly am. However, you may need to accept the fact that what you wished for from her -the chance of nurturing loving acceptance...is what is also possibly passing within this time.

If you do not have a T, consider one for this grieving process of both losses. You can NOT afford to lose you in the murk of someone else's lack of compassion. I promise you...what you did today trying to make amends and the extension of unconditional love...will enlighten others during your journey on how strong real love can be. It is a testimony to a moral fiber and the capacity to cherish someone in the face of great odds. Acceptance on the verge of heroism. Bless you for the gift of love for love's sake.

I am proud to know you.

 

[digger]

I feel that they are going to make me suffer this painful death because they can

Can you explain who 'they' are? Sometimes examining the 'facts' that your head is presenting you with can help diffuse some of it. Is there an actual 'they'? If there is then that probably requires different steps.

The stuff about your mother, and needing her love and recognition, is completely understandable. It is such a very hard thing to accept, and complicated further for you at the moment because she is dying. That brings up so many conflicting thoughts and feelings - it would for anyone. Please go a bit easier on yourself about it, it is a hugely stressful thing to deal with. I'm sure you can recognise how hard it would be for someone else, so please don't minimise it for you.

The negative messages inside yourself about yourself, I will repeat what I've said before to you about. There are people in your life who do care about you and who you care about. Take some time to think about the messages they give you to have about yourself and ask yourself why you should give more validity to the messages coming from the people that hurt you? Is it fair on the people who care about you to dismiss their messages and listen more to the voices of abusers? <<<< this stuff doesn't change things overnight. It's not a quick fix. The negative self talk is very deeply ingrained and wasn't put there overnight, it takes time and a lot of effort to change it, but I do find stepping outside of myself and questioning them/myself and calling myself on it helps a bit. If I respect someone, think they are sound, value their opinions - why do I dismiss them so easily if those opinion are positive about me? Do they suddenly lose their minds where I am concerned? Do I really have that much power over them that I can make them do that? Why do I value/respect/accept/elevate the opinions of less sound people over theirs?

Keep examining your thoughts. Keep questioning them. Keep stepping outside and trying to look at the situation as if it were someone else - if this was someone else's post, what would your thoughts on it be? Would you be validating their thoughts about themself, or challenging them? <<< sometimes I then slip into 'yes, but it's different for me...' - challenge that to death too! My key line for that one is 'what makes me so special that I should be the exception to the rule?'

It's hard work, and its draining, exhausting, repetitive, but so is having all that negative shit in your head all the time.

I am sorry for writing all this down, but I just don't know what else to do.

Don't be. It's a step towards figuring it out and moving forwards. People can read if they want, ignore if they want. They can respond if they want, or choose not to. It's not imposing on anybody. You have nothing to be sorry about in sharing this.

 

[Ellabella44]

its ok to unload at a time like this for you, and especially this situation... writing this down and talking to someone is what we are here for. and pretty much everyone else said everything else id have said... you deserve better than you are feeling about yourself. sorry that this situation is making you feel that you dont.

 

[littlelostchild]

:hug:
You are loved by so many but I understand what it is like to crave a mother's love. I believe she lacks that capacity, Sammy and that isn't your fault! Try to focus on the love around you that you have cultivated - your family and friends. You mean so much to so many!

PTSD lies to us. It messes with our perception of ourselves and situations. You are a kind caring person who deserves a good life. Evidence supports this Sammy. Don't listen to the lies of the ptsd.

Stay strong, Sammy - keep me in your pocket.
:hug:

 

[risingsun]

I really don't think I can cope with it all anymore.

You can get through this Sammy. I believe you are going through the motions of losing someone that you do love and watching someone pass through this life that you so longed to be close with. I'm sorry that you are experiencing all of this. I agree with Little Lost Child that she just wasn't capable of showing the love you so desperately needed . . . for probably reasons of trauma early on in her life. It is not against you. It is her limitations. It is not that you are unlovable. Remember, you did tell her you loved anyway because you are a caring person who feels deeply and has so much in her heart. To show love to those who have harmed us is to forgive, to understand, and to let your light shine forth anyway. You have demonstrated the path of the compassionate soul.

As for feeling guilty, I do understand greatly what you mean. There is no other word for it than tormenting. I battle with it constantly. But ignore those thoughts. The more you do, the greater the chance for them to dissipate. You are a strong, loving person. Know this. Build on your strengths. You have so much to offer. Do not give up. You have shown such goodness to others and now is the time to show goodness to yourself.

And, you have been going through so much so your mind is exhausted. Never listen to a tired mind. It is a liar.

Stand tall. You have never been alone Sammy. You have always been surrounded by "goodness and mercy" watching over you.

You are most definitely not dead inside as your post is the tears of your living soul. It is okay to release all of these things my friend. To release it, is to heal it, lay it down, and know that you are not only loved but needed by your friends and family. You are a blessing to many. Warmest always to you Sammy Sister. My heart is with you. Rising Sun.