I Have No Idea What Happened Today

[Punky143]

Despite my normal morning triggers and depressive mood, I had a tiny bit of hope for a minute that I remember. But throw it all away when just one person at work, ruins it all. I am well aware she is a trigger and how and I can take the bathroom break, or walk or listen to music etc etc but right now, in my life, it will and does derail my entire day so from that point on, and she kept at it with me today since conveniently the boss wasn't in, I got nothing accomplished other than the body sitting on the chair. The muscles lock, the monster comes out, the physical effects of disassociation run rampid but what's worse is we have to be sure we're hiding the best we can cause we work in an office. We can get so desperately hopeless and want to cry but don't. I loose touch where I am, my legs feel like goo and the floor sinks. I get hot and lightheaded and someone could be saying something to me but I don't hear a word. All I'm trying to say but nothing comes out is please help me, I don't feel well. I wondered, went outside to get air, but everything returned. But I made it. But I am upset and mad and I know for a fact my boss will not back me up. Not the point. Just felt so out of control...

 

[Friday]

What helps you get control when you're out of control? Or hanging onto control with your fingertips?

 

[Punky143]

Literally the passing of time right now or the extreme switching, or, the triggers. The triggers are everywhere at anytime and for the most part we are aware but for those other times, coming out from one while in public, is terrifying and humiliating. Our mind is utter chaos and I know I'm tired of this. But, give it a minute and this me will be another and away we go. Connections with others exist only for necessity, to blend, to function. I feel so detached from who we once were and struggle to figure out who we are today. This has got to be one of the more cruelest mental tourture.