I Have No Words For This Experience - My dad used to kill my pets in front of me in a violent way, implying I would be next.

[Lionheart]

My dad used to kill my pets in front of me in a violent way and I have gleaned from others' observations that the implication is that I would be next in line.

Anyway, I was very young and mostly non-verbal.

The experience was so far out from a normal experience that I am as speechless now as I was then.

My default mode is to freeze like a deer in the headlights and I am clueless as to the psychological impact this had on my development. Any insights would be greatly appreciated!!!

 

[Tinyflame]

Absolutely terrifying, controlling, unspeakable fear. Torment and terror for anyone let alone a child. My heart goes out to you @Lionheart and statistically speaking, you could have been next. I am speechless for you and being faced with such gruesome evil and terror and death. Horrifying. I expect you stopped being a child out of necessity, perhaps even before that.

Major hugs to you.

 

[Warrior Chicken]

I am also left without many words to find meaning in these kinds of acts that are perpetrated to cause layers of harm in their wake.

Our experiences are different but pieces of what I understand about mine may resonate with you. When something we love is destroyed by someone we have no other concept of but to trust, our entire view of our place in the world becomes blurred. To care for a creature again becomes painful. Without knowing it, you likely learned how to disconnect from living things (animals, people). For self preservation.

It took going down some of my own rabbit holes trying to figure out ‘why’ someone would do these things….I can’t say I have figured it out, but I do understand now that some things were done to see how I would react. Not going into those layers here, but simply put, I learned not to react. A piece of us has to die. It’s still there, and perhaps that’s the piece that hurts so much when we’re working on healing. It’s also damn confusing I find.

Just like many of us here, I feel I would take on the pain of others to set them free. That, I also believe is a lesson you may have been left with after experiencing horrific things as you did.

Kindness and warmth to you Lionheart.

 

[Lionheart]

Absolutely terrifying, controlling, unspeakable fear. Torment and terror for anyone let alone a child.

Yeah, that sums it up pretty well. I was terrified and it was probably one of my earliest times of dissociation.

My heart goes out to you @Lionheart

Awww, thank you @Tinyflame, you have touched my heart!!!

and statistically speaking, you could have been next.

Truly.

I am speechless for you and being faced with such gruesome evil and terror and death. Horrifying.

I can't imagine what kind of twisted cruelty was curled up inside my father, like a snake. It is unimaginable.

I expect you stopped being a child out of necessity, perhaps even before that.

True enough. I shut down on a major level and cannot even fathom the damage this must have caused.

Major hugs to you.

And major hugs right back to you my good friend. Thank you from my heart of hearts!!!

 

[Lionheart]

I am also left without many words to find meaning in these kinds of acts that are perpetrated to cause layers of harm in their wake.

I can certainly understand that, it tends to leave one speechless.

When something we love is destroyed by someone we have no other concept of but to trust, our entire view of our place in the world becomes blurred.

Right, you have nailed it. It was as though the concept of time and coherence was suspended.

To care for a creature again becomes painful. Without knowing it, you likely learned how to disconnect from living things (animals, people). For self preservation.

That thought/truth makes me very sad because it was difficult to love a pet after those events.

It took going down some of my own rabbit holes trying to figure out ‘why’ someone would do these things….I can’t say I have figured it out, but I do understand now that some things were done to see how I would react.

Makes sense, ...if a thing like that can ever make sense.

A piece of us has to die. It’s still there, and perhaps that’s the piece that hurts so much when we’re working on healing. It’s also damn confusing I find.

Also makes sense to me. Part of me did die inside, as it caused internal terror and chaos.

I would take on the pain of others to set them free. That, I also believe is a lesson you may have been left with after experiencing horrific things as you did.

Absolutely!! I would have traded places with the dogs and kittens he killed.

Kindness and warmth to you Lionheart.

Thank you @Warrior Chicken, it is kindly received and very welcome. Thank you so much!!!

 

[Tinyflame]

. When something we love is destroyed by someone we have no other concept of but to trust, our entire view of our place in the world becomes blurred. To care for a creature again becomes painful.

I so relate to this, fortunately on a hugely less drastic level. But why I learned late in life to fear letting on if anything was of value to me or irreplaceable, because at some point a person I lived with would, or rather sometimes did, intentionally destroy it. I can't wrap my mind around it or the reasoning, tbh. It remains a huge hole in my heart even though I try to understand/ forgive it/ even take blame for it. I try to never think of it.

I also think even threats of death to who and what we love are traumatizing. But unspeakable violence ensures there is no doubt left the threat is real. And to do it in front of you was on purpose I very much suspect.

Wow. Thank God those days are over and you survived. Man's inhumanity to man.

 

[DharmaGirl]

My heart goes out to you! This is horrific and I am speechless. Sending Lovingkindness to you.

 

[katkit]

My dad used to kill my pets in front of me in a violent way and I have gleaned from others' observations that the implication is that I would be next in line.

Anyway, I was very young and mostly non-verbal.

The experience was so far out from a normal experience that I am as speechless now as I was then.

My default mode is to freeze like a deer in the headlights and I am clueless as to the psychological impact this had on my development. Any insights would be greatly appreciated!!!

The freeze mode is totally understandable. Can you get help with triggers?

 

[Lionheart]

Thank you and yes, @katkit, I can get help with triggers.

I have a black Bombay cat, (18 months old), that I love and am very protective of. I live alone and find she is a great friend and companion!!! She is an absolute sweetheart and I spoil her rotten every chance I get.

 

[Adobe]

I so relate to this, fortunately on a hugely less drastic level. But why I learned late in life to fear letting on if anything was of value to me or irreplaceable, because at some point a person I lived with would, or rather sometimes did, intentionally destroy it. I can't wrap my mind around it or the reasoning, tbh. It remains a huge hole in my heart even though I try to understand/ forgive it/ even take blame for it. I try to never think of it.

I also think even threats of death to who and what we love are traumatizing. But unspeakable violence ensures there is no doubt left the threat is real. And to do it in front of you was on purpose I very much suspect.

Wow. Thank God those days are over and you survived. Man's inhumanity to man.

My dad used to kill my pets in front of me in a violent way and I have gleaned from others' observations that the implication is that I would be next in line.

Anyway, I was very young and mostly non-verbal.

The experience was so far out from a normal experience that I am as speechless now as I was then.

My default mode is to freeze like a deer in the headlights and I am clueless as to the psychological impact this had on my development. Any insights would be greatly appreciated!!

Wow! I am so sorry that you were faced with this when you were so little and it has stayed with you all these years. And yes the feeling you would be next was the message any child would receive. I read in psychology today that this is a way narcissists behave.

My dad used to kill my pets in front of me in a violent way and I have gleaned from others' observations that the implication is that I would be next in line.

Anyway, I was very young and mostly non-verbal.

The experience was so far out from a normal experience that I am as speechless now as I was then.

My default mode is to freeze like a deer in the headlights and I am clueless as to the psychological impact this had on my development. Any insights would be greatly

My dad used to kill my pets in front of me in a violent way and I have gleaned from others' observations that the implication is that I would be next in line.

Anyway, I was very young and mostly non-verbal.

The experience was so far out from a normal experience that I am as speechless now as I was then.

My default mode is to freeze like a deer in the headlights and I am clueless as to the psychological impact this had on my development. Any insights would be greatly appreciated!!!

I am so sorry you had this life experience. According to Psychology today this is the work of a narcissist.They will use this tactic as a manipulative tactic to stop you from doing something. They are seen to be wanting love and attention more than the pet. He has unrealistic expectations of a pet. They physically abuse pets. While people are away they will put the pet down. They will set up the pet for failure like leaving the lid off the garbage. They will “accidentally” let the pet out. They tease your pet.People need to get away with their pet. It is a horrible abuse physically and emotionally. Did the family leave him ?If not I can guarantee you suffered more abuse than your brain knew what to do with. And yes, the message was to control you and let you know you might be next. You were terrorized. I read many WW II fiction and non fiction books. No difference in the mental and physical torture suffered by many victims. I am so grieved to hear any child or person was exposed to the abuse you suffered. I am sure if it were me I would have reoccurring thoughts forever. T work…. Hugs! Your cat must be a little healer. Sweet!

 

[Adobe]

Wow! I am so sorry that you were faced with this when you were so little and it has stayed with you all these years. And yes the feeling you would be next was the message any child would receive. I read in psychology today that this is a way narcissists behave.


I am so sorry you had this life experience. According to Psychology today this is the work of a narcissist.They will use this tactic as a manipulative tactic to stop you from doing something. They are seen to be wanting love and attention more than the pet. He has unrealistic expectations of a pet. They physically abuse pets. While people are away they will put the pet down. They will set up the pet for failure like leaving the lid off the garbage. They will “accidentally” let the pet out. They tease your pet.People need to get away with their pet. It is a horrible abuse physically and emotionally. Did the family leave him ?If not I can guarantee you suffered more abuse than your brain knew what to do with. And yes, the message was to control you and let you know you might be next. You were terrorized. I read many WW II fiction and non fiction books. No difference in the mental and physical torture suffered by many victims. I am so grieved to hear any child or person was exposed to the abuse you suffered. I am sure if it were me I would have reoccurring thoughts forever. T work…. Hugs! Your cat must be a little healer. Sweet!

And yes if you continue to live with someone with this disorder you will never never find forgiveness does it’s perfect work, or make excuses or live in denial, affect you physically from stress and leave you mentally and emotionally battered if not physically. We are in a day where there are safe houses. Most people I know that have experienced this are very loving sweet women. It can be a woman.

 

[Lionheart]

This may be disturbing however, I want to share with you an incident that happened to me at about the age of three (3).

My cat had a litter of kittens. My father tied them up in a burlap sack and hit them with a ball peen hammer until they were dead. I am not sure, but I think I stopped breathing at that point. I had no words for the experiences I was to endure.

Thank you to all for grieving with me, for feeling for me, and for your unwavering support and understanding.