I have ptsd and pushed my husband away. help!

[Songbird]

Been together 5 years, married 2. It wasn't until 7 months ago that I found out I have PTSD and been in therapy since. It stems from childhood abuse & an abusive ex-husband. Long story short, I have had many episodes of either blowing up on my husband & saying very hurtful things, being emotionally distance, or just generally being an angry presence. My dear husband has tried so hard to cope with me and walked on egg-shells for so long, until 6 weeks ago he blurted out divorce during one of my episodes. Since then, we continued on together, but I didn't realize he was never quite the same about us. I eventually realized he's been really impatient and kinda cold with me and when I asked him what was going on, he let me know how he'd been feeling even though I haven't had an episode since. He told me he's deeply hurt and feels like deep down, I don't really want to be with him. I've told him that's not true, that I really love him, and it was just the PTSD/ disassociating thing happening when I would say hurtful things...and so now we are still trying to make it work but things aren't the same. He's being kind, says he loves me to death, and is sometimes affectionate, but a lot of the connection seems lost. He said we just have to go with the flow and let things come back together naturally but it hurts my fear of abandonment/rejection so much. I'm so afraid of having another episode and feel like the one on eggshells now. It's horrible that this is how he's had to feel for so long! I want to save my marriage...any advice?

 

[Deleted member 8714]

I can relate to your situation. In my marriage, I have PTSD (childhood abuse severe, early, and long standing) and DID, and my husband has an abuse history from childhood with abandonment issues. I pushed my husband away many times. Our marriage started off rocky and worsened when I entered therapy in 1988. A month after that my husband was in therapy too. In the beginning, he threatened divorce often to get his way. It didn't work. His and my therapists told him that wasn't productive for creating a safe and stable marriage. If he wanted out, he should just get out, and stop threatening it. He chose to stay and keep his mouth shut about the threats.

We've still got our ups and downs, more ups than downs. We've been married for 32 years this September.

 

[Songbird]

I can relate to your situation. In my marriage, I have PTSD (childhood abuse severe, early, and long...

Thanks for the your reply. I'm happy to hear you are both going strong. I'm sure my hubby has some issues of his own but he's not sure if he wants to attend therapy yet. I just hope we can work past this.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

I can understand that if your husband is feeling hurt right now, he may not be easy to convince, but couples therapy is such an important tool in a relationship. It can help to heal a lot of hurts, and teach people how to communicate in ways that won't be triggering.

I'm curious, though, what triggers you to blow up at him?

 

[Songbird]

I can understand that if your husband is feeling hurt right now, he may not be easy to convince, bu...

Several triggers...if I'm under a lot of stress, my whole mood just shifts, and I've had a lot of big life stressors the past 9 months since I've had to cut ties with my entire family of abusers, move out of state somewhere new, and experience financial struggles due to that. Often times, when in a bad mood, I'll apparently misread him and think he has an attitude of some sort. The worst part for him is when I fall into a depression and start trying to push him away. I've suggested separation a few times and left him worried that I was going to leave him.

So now he struggles with the thought that I don't really want to be with him. I haven't mentioned counseling to him again because he's really sensitive right now and seems anything could tip him over. I'm giving him time..and I'm trying my damnedest to just be cool around him. He seemed to be doing ok until last night when it seemed my coolness bothered him. He started getting annoyed with me, saying he's not ok, and reiterating what I've done. To be honest, I was filled with anxiety about this whole thing up until 2 days ago when I told myself I wasn't going to stress whether or not he leaves, and that I was just going to play cool and be loving. But it seems that's bothersome to him and he was better when I was worried. I get that he's hurt, and I truly am sorry and want things to work, but I can't worry myself sick about what he's going to do.

 

[Mach123]

Well it's going to be hard but, you are doing it that's all I can tell you. Reaching actual reality where you are not acting out of your trauma anymore seems impossible but it can be done. (I'm not all better lol I was just reading this over that's how it came out though so I'm posting it!) It can't be rushed I found in my own experience. It comes out slowly because of self preservation. You can't do anything about other people except try and be gentle with them. : ) As I was more gentle with myself I became more able to be gentle with others. You sound good actually but I know you don't think so. I know it's hard. These people on here are really helpful. Just keep doing it. I couldn't even write stuff like you just did for years and years, never mind all this stuff about actually getting better.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

Maybe he needs you to show him how much you need him...

 

[Songbird]

Maybe he needs you to show him how much you need him...

How would I do that?

 

[Deleted member 33052]

First, ask him directly what he needs from you. Then tell him how you feel about him. If you want to grow old with him, tell him. If you can't imagine your life without him in it, tell him.

Ask him to learn about ptsd. Ask him to to learn how to support a partner with PTSD.

I think he's triggering you, and you need to figure that out so that you can help him understand what happens to you when you become triggered. For it, it was my husband lying. Not about anything important, just little lies. But lies threaten my sense of safety, and I'm in fight mode before either of us can blink. So, it's not his fault I have PTSD, but he needed to accept his contribution to my blowups. It takes two to ruin a relationship, Songbird. Don't be too quick to take all of the blame.

 

[Songbird]

I wish I could say all those things to him, and you're right about taking all the blame. I tried to tell him before that it takes two and that he has some responsibility here too, but right now, he won't have any of it. He'll start getting upset and say something like, "you're not gonna do this right now. You're not gonna make this about your feelings. I'M the one who's feeling hurt and not wanted". And I've tried to tell him things to reassure him of my love for him and that I do want to be with him but he just says it's going to take a lot more than words. He even said he feels bad when I try to reassure him because he is reminded of the hurtful things I've said before. So this all leaves me kinda stuck. I'm at a loss for any kind of words. He works from home and sits in his office at the computer literally all day long, so when I come home from work, I sit with him to attempt spending time and letting him know I want to be with him, but I'm super quiet and he doesn't like that either. Yes, this is all triggering me and I'm there trying to brave through it. I feel resentment may be growing inside me though. I don't mean to make him sound like a bad guy. He tells me he loves me, gives me hugs, and does a lot of small talk with me. He cooks, takes care of our kid, and is cool with me otherwise, but the connection is gone between us and I feel it's left up to me alone to save it.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

I think he's holding tight to his hurt and resentment. If he won't attend counseling with you, if he's not interested in talking with you, i guess you need to find out exactly what he wants and needs. No more sitting quietly. Ask questions.

 

[Songbird]

I think so too. According to what he's already told me, he wants to just be cool, let time pass and see what happens. I thank you for all of your input. Just talking here has helped me tons.