I Have Ptsd & My Boyfriend No Longer Wants A Relationship

[jojolove]

Hi all,

I was just diagnosed with PTSD. I've apparently had it since I was a child coming from an abusive home. Last year it triggered when I lost a baby I was going to keep. I threw myself in to work and than met a wonderful man. We have been in a relationship for 1 year. During the year, the beginning was like a dream. He was nothing but amazing and caring. And about 1 month later, he cheated on me. I was heartbroken yet forgiving. I have tried to let it go and have succeeded.

The past 6 months I have been angry. Angry with the world. I was mad at everyone and everything. It was uncontrollable. Because of this behavior, my bf felt pushed away and unwanted. I started fights with him over very stupid things everyday. Now that I have been diagnosed and know what was causing me to be unlike myself, my bf says he wants to call it quits. That he is tired and he has nothing left to put in to this relationship anymore. He says my actions have caused him to give up on me.

I love this man, I would very much love a future with him. I don't want to put all the blame on my PTSD, however I don't know how not to. I was not myself. I let PTSD control me. How do I keep this man in my life while I start treatments?

 

[Justmehere]

He already cheated on you. Now he's ready to bail on you again, unwilling to show some of the forgiveness you showed him. Let him go. You deserve so much better.

On a practical level, if he is done, then he is done. You can't change him. All the energy you could put into trying to make him stay is energy that would be better spent on recovery. PTSD treatment takes time and supporters need to have the ability to endure. This guy couldn't even endure a month of dating someone before he cheated. It didn't seem like he much wanted the work and joy of a real committed relationship back then. Now he's ready to throw in the towel again. With PTSD treatment, things sometimes get worse for a season before they get better. This is not the guy to be by your side through this if he is ready to throw in the towel now.

As the PTSD gets better, many people find that they are attracted to different kinds of people. This may be a chance to free yourself up of this guy and keep the door open to someone who is steadier and more committed, and who will cherish you like you deserve to be cherished.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

Let him go. You deserve so much better.

I am in full aggreement with JMH.

 

[jojolove]

He has paid for what he has done to me when he cheated. He tried really hard to change and he did. He showed me nothing but love, and care, and tried to be so patient with me. The way I acted when I let PTSD take over me was beyond normal.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

You are in a difficult decision making time, but that decision really has to be yours at the end of the day.

 

[Justmehere]

Some relationships lost during the battle with PTSD can be restored, some can't be. You can only do what you can do. It's rarely the case in a relationship breakdown that one person did all the wrong and the other was completely not at fault. You both had a role in this breaking down. In order for it to work, you both have to be invested in making it work. I'm not reading anything about him being willing to keep working at it.

While he did much to change, cheating is a big violation of trust. I wonder if some of your anger was at him rather than others, because you still couldn't trust. There is also a pattern with PTSD that people tend to get angry with the people closest to them, to push them away.

I highly suggest talking to your treatment providers about all of this and how to work through it.

The best way you can increase any chances of things improving is to apologize, take responsibility for what is yours (and *only* what is yours), and work hard in treatment.

 

[nursenurse]

You can't make someone stay who has already given up. How does the song go "I can't make you love me, if you don't". If a plain talk informing him of what you have, and how you intend to work on yourself, and then the very actions of therapy etc to help heal, don't keep him around, then there isn't much you can do. We constantly tell supporters that sometimes the sufferer has to hit rock bottom before they seek help, and sometimes that includes losing the nearest and dearest to their hearts at the time.

I don't like that he cheated on you in the beginning of the relationship. For me, that spells out a lot about his character. But you say you both worked past it. Now he wants to leave again. Is there a part of you that hasn't forgiven him, thus the pushing away? It takes a long time to rebuild trust when it has been broken in this manner. If he has decided that he cannot work with you on your problems, it does not mean he is necessarily a horrible person, maybe only someone who knows his limits.

My take on it, in light of the fact that he has already stepped out on you, is that perhaps he was not as deeply into the relationship as you thought he was. Time for you to do the reverse and let him alone for a bit, see if he misses you. If he doesn't, you have your answer. Remember that you you are only able to work on yourself. My suggestion is to throw yourself into healing, therapy, whatever it takes to help you manage your PTSD. You are worth the fight. someone who does not want to be in the relationship with you, not so much.

 

[jojolove]

He's not willing to work at it. He said he is done that he can no longer see a future for us. All I want is a chance... A chance to show him how much I love and cherish him because I neglected to do so.

I definitely have the pattern of pushing away those that I love. We live together. And right now I know he is not open to be my support. But I know the man he was when he loved me. I just want a chance to get that man back. He is so amazing and I feel so guilty for not trying to see what was wrong with me sooner.

 

[Janne]

Dear @jojolove - the replies you have received are all amazingly precise. As a "supporter" ( my husband has PTSD ) I would say, that if your bf can't cope with 6 months of strong emotions he'll never be able to be the support for you that you need.
Love is a very strong feeling and it has to be unconditional.

Use this forum as you heal - the process is long and painful but I am sure that nobody here will turn their back on you :)

 

[nursenurse]

Operative word is "loved". You want someone to stay with you because they want to, not because you pushed, cajoled or begged. Get working on yourself pronto. For you, not for anyone else.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

We constantly tell supporters that sometimes the sufferer has to hit rock bottom before they seek help, and sometimes that includes losing the nearest and dearest to their hearts at the time.

Exactly my situation, Crashed burnt and kept burning.

I am only a year into therapy and recovery but the advise I have had on her from more senior members has been some of the best advie I have ever had.

 

[Justmehere]

I have been in the place of wanting any chance to win someone back. Just one chance. I have been willing to do anything to earn even that chance. I can relate to how you feel.

Sometimes I have been given that chance, and it worked for a very short while... I was able to change but it wasn't enough. Unless they were willing to fight for the relationship too, it didn't work out. The old problems between both of us came up and they left again. Both of us more wounded than ever.

It never worked out when people have me a chance while they were still burned out. It never worked no matter how hard we both tried.

You can go that route - the choice is totally yours. You can keep begging for him to stay, but it's already not working. I don't think it will work out like you want it to.

There are also relationships I had that fell apart because of my PTSD fueled behaviors that I did let go of and invested in treatment and working on my own stuff. Some of those relationships were restored. The other person got time and space to re-build themselves and to realize, just like @nursenurse said, they missed me and the relationship was worth fighting for.

It's counter-intuitive. Everything in me screamed "hang on!" But it's when I let go that they were able to take time, work through their pain, and then came back. It's been stunning to experience.

Having him around while you still live together and knowing he is calling it quits has to be so painful. It has to be painful for him too. He did love you. He just can't do it now and it's really hard for people to admit that.

When I have lost loved ones due to my PTSD fueled behaviors, I have been filled with guilt and shame I didn't see he problem or get help and change sooner. It hurts to face that my PTSD lead me to do things that hurt others. The good thing about guilt is that it helps us change. Don't let the guilt turn into shame, into something that slows you down or defines who you are or makes you take on responsibility for things that are not yours to take responsibility for. Don't let it take your hope. You are strong, you are valuable, you are worth fighting for. and you are going to get better.

@nursenurse is so right. You want someone who is ready. Right now, your boyfriend is burned out. (And I like that you are not excessively blaming you, but the PTSD.)

There are people who get it, who have the courage to stick it out, who are ready.

With time and space, he may become that person who is ready. Right now, he isn't there. So let him take space, re-charge. He has loved you. This is likely very painful for him too. You want him to accept you where you are at now - so show him you can accept him where he is at. He's not ready.

If there is any chance, you won't ruin that chance by letting him go. You will only make that chance greater. You will reduce that chance of things working out if you beg him to stay when he's not ready.

It's painful as hell to let someone go. It takes a lot of strength and skill. But I believe you have it in you. Your new treatment team and others like this forum are here to support you.