Relationship I Have Really Stepped In It!

[Livy's Mom]

A few days ago I posted that my boyfriend (father to my 6 month old baby) had left us.

After many many crazed attempts at getting him to realize he was making a huge mistake and he needed to finally get help for his PTSD I made the huge mistake of using my daughter as a tool to try to get him to go get counceling.

Oh my god has that turned out to be a complete and total disaster. Of course it did. Underneath it all I knew it would. I know what everyone know... You can't make someone get help. Of course I knew that. I knew it and I did it anyway. Desperation. After a few posts from some of you I quickly saw my mistake and sought to undo it.

Undoing this mistake is proving to be easier said than done. I have never seen him so angry. He hates me. He won't talk to me. He said he won't ever be alone with me again out of fear that I will set him up. He said now he is taking me to court for joint custody of the baby to make sure I never do this again.

I'm so sorry for what I did and I am trying to make him see I was wrong and I know it. Worst of all I need him to help care for her which prior to my antics he was willing to do. Now I he isn't. Now he is refusing to help until the courts decide what needs to be done.

Please help me understand what he is going through and help me handle what is coming. He is coming here with his mother shortly to gather a few things for a weekend trip he is taking and to see the baby. I know it will be next to impossible for me to handle this. I don't know if I will be able to handle his hatred.

Please help me get through this and understand what is happening

 

[amethist]

Sounds like you need to let him calm down a bit before you try and apologise again.

This has hit him hard and he needs to let off steam about it, hence the threat of court and joint custody. He is probably scared he will never see his baby again, which is why he has gone in this direction.

No matter how he feels about you, or how you feel about him, neither of you should use children as a weapon against the other.

Try and calm yourself down too, you have both made mistakes, but you can both make amends, before it gets any worse.

Give him a few days and see how it all goes then, you may be surprised how he is after then.

Dont beat yourself up about it, we all make mistakes with or without PTSD is involved

 

[Livy's Mom]

Ugh. I feel like a giant idiot. Every word I said was slow motion. Knowing full well it was a mistake and I was driving him further into rage.

I will give it time. Thanks for the support.

 

[discarded]

There is no point in beating yourself up over this. I myself have done many a stupid thing out of desperation and of course where PTSD is involved it hasn't ended well. As a supporter we will often try anything to get them help but if they don't want help it just isn't going to happen. I am sorry you are struggling so much and trying so hard for him only to have it all come crashing down.

My suggestion also, is to just let him calm down. If he wants to pursue it through the courts let him. My guess is he won't. Doing so will put way too much stress on him and the likelihood that his PTSD situation will be noted may also be a deterrent.

One positive here is that you both love your baby very much. She could be the key to helping you get through all of this by at least keeping your communication going as you care for her jointly. You haven't indicated at all that you don't feel comfortable leaving her with him, so once he has calmed down, focus on what you can achieve with regard to your baby. Take the focus away from his PTSD for now. The one thing I have learned from all that I have been through is that continually focusing on the
PTSD was the worst mistake I ever made.

I believe you have his best interests at heart and love him very much. Take care of yourself and allow him the time to process all that has happened. ((((hugs))))

 

[safenow]

I agree with what everyone else has said. You take some good cleansing breathes, and get a drink of cool water. If he wants to go to court, allow that. It shows how much he loves your daughter. That is a very good thing. I'm sure, if it does go to court, when you tell the judge that you want him to get help, even the judge will agree with you.

In the long run, things will work out for the best for everyone involved. Allow him the time he needs to calm down. You scared him. This is the way he is handling it. Don't flip out when he and his mother show up to get some of his things. Remember to breathe, it will help.

Gentle, safe hugs for a person with PTSD who is on your side.

 

[Livy's Mom]

Thanks Discarded and Safenow! He came and went without incident. I was calm, kind and controlled. He was also calm but I could feel he was nervous. He stayed and spent time with the baby a little less than an hour but I'm grateful for that.

Your right I made no mention that I have any fear of him being with the baby because I don't. He is a wonderful father. When he has episodes they are usually directed at me and they are not rage they are more shutting down and coldness than anything. He drinks often though not to excess at one sitting. He would never drink and drive with the baby although he has no issue with drinking and driving with himself.

I'm thrilled to have gotten through tonight. One baby step at a time.

Discarded I felt a light bulb go off when I read what you wrote about always focusing on the PTSD... I ALWAYS do this. I'm grateful to have found this forum for that reason. I can come here to spill my guts rather than PTSD talk him to death.

 

[safenow]

I am so proud of you. Good job.

 

[discarded]

I find it very hard not to focus on the PTSD, I still dwell on it even after leaving my husband 6 months ago. He shut down on me completely because of his PTSD and my continual attempts to get him help or get him to get help. I didn't find the forum until after I left him and I can now see that I did so many things wrong. It hurt me a great deal that he could not trust my judgement and believe that I only had his best interests at heart, afterall we had been together for over 28 years. I hate to see him suffer the way he is and it frustrates me that he will not communicate to me at all about our relationship.

If there is a way to keep the communication going between you, even if just to discuss your baby, it is a start. If it is at all possible to not mention the PTSD for as long as you can, the tension might ease up and he might begin to trust that you won't bring it up all the time. If just one person can learn from the mistakes I have made I will be happy.

Well done on staying calm for his visit. I struggle when ever I see my husband and do my best to avoid it. All you can do is take one day at a time until he calms down and you can talk again.

 

[Livy's Mom]

We will keep communication open because of her and for that I am thankful. Honestly I believe if we didn't have her he would have cut me off completely after this last push.

I believe I have the strength to leave it alone but I have believed that before and gone right back to my old patterns of wanting to fix. There is no doubt in my mind that you are right and that is exactly what I need to do to allow him to trust me again

My end goal is to get him to come home to us. I have no idea how long it will take but I'm trying to look at it differently this time. I'm trying to look at this time away as a perfect opportunity for me to get stronger and more capable of dealing with this. I believe if I were healthier in my own mind I wouldn't feel such a need to fix him.

He is more adamant now that he isn't coming back than he's ever been. That is hard to take. It's hard to accept that might be true. I am struggling with whether or not what I'm feeling right now is hope or denial.

I feel like he will come home.

 

[discarded]

I am struggling with whether or not what I'm feeling right now is hope or denial.

I can relate well to this. I have spent much of the last 6 months hoping we could fix this. Now I really doubt we can and I am not even sure I want to anymore. As much as try not to take things personally, he does many things that have hurt me on a very personal level.

Your baby is still very young and that alone can create issues between couples with out PTSD involved. There is a settling in period for all of you and the stress of this may have added to his stress. Don't give up hope. Try not to push him. I truly wish I hadn't. When you see the way they are it is hard to sit back and watch the pain they are in and say nothing. Of course we want to fix them, we love them. Unfortunately we can't and too often they don't want to let us.

 

[StoppingTheCycle]

If I have learned anything over the years and from this forum as well, it's that no matter how desperately we want to help them or fix them or get help for them, these things are all out of our control and therefore not really possible. No one can change you but you. Therefore, he can't get the help and treatment he needs until he is ready for it. If he were to start therapy now out of desperation to keep you and your baby close, it wouldn't do any good because he wouldn't be as receptive and wouldn't really take it seriously. He would just be going through the motions. Trust me, this isn't the first time my husband or I have been in counselling over our years together, but it is the first time that he is the one that initiated the first visit and admitted that he needed and wanted help. So I can see a difference now from all the other times before.

The one thing you can control is you. Like you said, use this time apart to better yourself. Whether is physically, mentally, spiritually, or whatever. Use the time to focus on you and your child. It will help you to be stronger when the time comes, no matter what the future may hold.

And remember new babies are a big adjustment for everyone involved. And as much as a blessing that they are can cause turmoil and havoc in even the "healthiest" of relationships. So in order to keep myself from focusing on the PTSD factor all the time, I try to remind myself that some of the differences could be just the "normal" things that set men and women apart or the natural reaction to the added stress of the new baby in your lives, not to mention any other stressors that may be happening outside of the home that he (or you) may not be taking into account or talking about.

Give it time. Give him time. Give yourself time. Focus on you and enjoy your new one. (Cause sooner that you think they will be up and crawling or walking and then the real fun begins lol :) )