I have sex even though i don't want to and it sucks

[somerandomguy]

I think it's different with stuff that brings rewards immediately and not at a later moment in time, so the only reason we're doing that stuff is pleasure.

That's a common confusion, that sex is just about pleasure in the moment. It CAN be, but it's also very important maintenance for your relationship. Actually, unless your partner is asexual, it's critical maintenance.

I've seen it both ways. In my first marriage to my abuser, my ex never wanted to have sex. I basically did everything I possibly could in order to have sex with her, including agreeing to be abused. And then in my current marriage, because of my trauma issues I wasn't able to have sex for years, and the damage to our marriage was irreparable - although we are slowly starting to recover somewhat.

None of that means you should have sex if you don't want to. But if your relationship is worth maintaining long-term, you should 1. be working on your issues and 2. be constantly communicating with your partner about sex. Neither is easy; I mean, I have consistently failed at both. I consider it to be a miracle that my wife didn't leave me. But now I'm working and communicating much better, and I'm starting to see the results in myself and my relationship, and it's been worth it.

P.S. I'm a man, if that changes anything.

 

[Juso]

Hello and sorry for replying so late, I was in a lot of stress the last days. I apologize for any mistakes in my text, english isn't my native language.

@Hooper : Thanks for your informative input! :) I think the libido you have is not embarrassing, it's probably common, in men and women. My boyfriend and I have the same libido I think, we both don't have strong sex drive, so that is relaxing.
I didn't have a "rabbit phase" because I need to know the person very well to find them sexually attractive. I only really enjoyed the sex after about 5 months. Before that I often felt nauseous or anxious or dissociated, and this even happens now sometimes. Don't know why that is.
I am glad your wife has such an understanding husband, although that should probably be normal, but sadly it's not given in a lot of relationships. I hope though that you will find a way that you both get what you want 7 days a week. Maybe she can try to induce more sexual desire (with food for example, I tried that too once), and maybe you try to tone it down a bit (I think there are some possibilities).

@Mee : Thank you so much for your kind words. I am very sorry that you have to deal with those horrible feelings. It's not fair! I hope that in the future you can be intimate with your boyfriend without any mental stress.
I like the two stages of responsibility. I think I will try to implement them!

@somerandomguy : Thanks a lot for your comment!
"That's a common confusion, that sex is just about pleasure in the moment. It CAN be, but it's also very important maintenance for your relationship. Actually, unless your partner is asexual, it's critical maintenance."
I do agree with that to a certain extent. However, if both partners constantly feel uncomfortable because both want different things, I think it is time to reconsider the relationship. I wouldn't want to be a relationship where I would often have to sleep with my partner so that he feels satisfied or where I would often feel rejected because my partner just has a lower libido. You know?
You're right though, the communication and working on my issues is crucial. I guess I have to improve my communication, because I think there are no issues I could work on (I experienced no sexual abuse).
I hope your and your partner will heal from the wounds of the past and will find a common ground where both feel safe and appreciated.

 

[Hooper]

I am glad your wife has such an understanding husband

I think I have more of an understanding wife than she has an understanding husband. She left her comfort zone when she compromised. I feel like the lucky one.
hooper

 

[CdnCopper]

My first wife was always the initiator and I can recall her slapping me on several occasions and being down right nasty because I just didn't have the desire..3 or 4x a week. It also became pretty hard warming up to someone that had these traits that came out after we were married and became worse over time. She eventually had an affair and left. Certainly wasn't unexpected but it still hurt. {I had ptsd at this time but it had been mis diagnosed as "depression"}

Anyway, my current marriage my wife has medical {physical} issues and because of that sex is maybe 2 -3x a month.

Sex is very complex. Some need it or want it more than others for recreation, for romance, or to validate a relationship.

For us its just something that when it does happen its great , but when it doesn't, it doesn't really matter either.

Fortunately we are on the same page.

 

[Cactus Bloom]

Still Standing,
I really appreciate that. I'm one of these guys whose wife was raped and didn't...

Does your offer still stand to message you about needing perspective on the fragile male ego? I would love to take up that offer if you’re okay with it.

 

[Hooper]

100%. You can call if you want. Anonymity is all I ask for.

 

[AllisonStern]

Hey! This is something I really relate to. While part of my trauma includes sexual assault, I think I can understand that feeling of initiating sex when you don't really want it, and continuing with my partner when I'm not in the mood. For me, a big part of it is feeling like my partner might want me less if I'm not sexual with them, or that I'm not being dutiful in the relationship if I'm not giving something (in this case sex). I think it's like other relationships where because of abuse, I feel the need to give constantly to ensure that I'm out of harms way and that I have something tying me to the other person. Just a thought.

 

[WishfulThinking123]

I can really relate to your post... However, I'm so extreme with this behavior that most of my boyfriends have thought of me as "unsatisfiable" however, thats not the case...I just know what I must do...its like a program thats been wired deep inside of me...I just do what I need to to get it over and done with...I dont even know what my desires truly are.. I would first look at how inside of you you want to say no but cant vocalize..this to me says it might be more than just you deciding to go with it because, at times you are going to do it when youre too tired, not in the mood, etc.. just like he will and thats normal, its all a little give and take. However if inside you really want to say no but, freeze that very well could have come from the emotional aspect of your trauma- which could cause you to be afraid to speak up for your needs/wants which could definitely flow over into the sexual..

 

[Mee]

I came back herd because I wanted to say something about the libido being presumed as higher in men. In my experience this is not always true. I think sometimes how we satisfy them is different and there are problems with such myths as ’men never turn an opportunity down if they find you attractive’ or such.

I also think that relating that to having libido while suffering PTSD after sexual violation is confusing and feel Shame full in a different way to me than having libido after violation without ptShame. it's confused by intimacy rarely being satisfying emotionally ’ clean ’;mindful, free of thought outside that experience or more precisely into the negative and confusing experiences. So when i should feel mist intimate with my partner I can feel pulled away from him. This enters a cycle if shame, guilt, etc which is still present over the libido. It's all very confusing.

Has our sec life reduced? Without doubt; significantly. Has my libido...no, not so.much j think, but there us fear related to that. Tremendous fear of betrayal and vulnerability and not wanting those confusing ideas in my mind when with my partner.

But libido? Ah..... There is a thought; that emerges in me; a lot of women are told they wanted it, in various ways ; I was, emphatically. And I was libidinous; so maybe I blame my libido? Maybe some of the one in five of us ( or more who pick up the social idea women are almost always less libinious) subconsciously minimise our libidos.

 

[Mach123]

I'm sorry this is very serious but all I want to do is crack wise about it. All I can say is I used to make my wife cry and now I make her laugh instead. If she knows it's safe to tease me and I'm going to laugh with her we get on much better. She knows it's all about sex for me she just doesn't want to be hit over the head with it. I learned it was proportional to how I felt about me. The more I could like me the more I liked her and the nicer I am with me the nicer I am with her. The sort of 'nice' I'm talking about is not natural with men I'm afraid. I was always afraid to do it because to me it looked a lot like 'weakness.' I don't mind trading a little of this for a little of that. Even Joe Namath said he had to work for it, every time. lol

 

[Hooper]

However, I'm so extreme with this behavior that most of my boyfriends have thought of me as "unsatisfiable" however, thats not the case...I just know what I must do...its like a program thats been wired deep inside of me...I just do what I need to to get it over and done with...I dont even know what my desires truly are..

This reminds me of my wife minus the unsatisfiable part. Having sex when your partner considers it something that must be done a doing what needs to be done to get it over with is in my view done as sex out of love. I want what we had in the beginning which was love and desire for the other on both sides. For at least 15 years I couldn't tell you what it was like to be desired. Based on what you wrote I would guess you were a pleaser like my wife. Like you she can't even tell me what she wants or how to please her. She can tell me what feels good when I rub her back or feet but anything sexual and I get "it doesn't come with an operating manual". I get pleasure to the extreme but I do not get to please. It's frustrating to say the least. Sex should be a 2 way street. My sex life is a 1 way street and I would love to change that.

 

[Juso]

@AllisonStern
"For me, a big part of it is feeling like my partner might want me less if I'm not sexual with them, or that I'm not being dutiful in the relationship if I'm not giving something (in this case sex)."
I understand that feeling very well, especially the "my partner might want me less if I'm not sexual with them". I am very scared of abandonment and maybe I just try to prevent it that way. I'm sorry you had to experience such terrible abuse. Thanks a lot for your perspective!

@WishfulThinking123
"its like a program thats been wired deep inside of me...I just do what I need to to get it over and done with...I dont even know what my desires truly are.."
Yes, yes, and YES. I can relate to that so much. I don't know what my desires truly are, too! I think that dissociation may be correlated to that, because for me dissociation is often a disconnect from my body, and without being fully in my body I don't think I can feel pleasure or desire.
"However if inside you really want to say no but, freeze that very well could have come from the emotional aspect of your trauma- which could cause you to be afraid to speak up for your needs/wants which could definitely flow over into the sexual.."
That makes a lot of sense, thank you so much. I tend to comply a lot and it's difficult for me to speak up if a situation is uncomfortable for me, I would rather sit through it. I'm getting better at expressing my limits though. I hope you will too, it can help so much. Sometimes you don't even realize how many situations could easily become bearable just by drawing boundaries. :hug:

@Mee
"There is a thought; that emerges in me; a lot of women are told they wanted it, in various ways ; I was, emphatically. And I was libidinous; so maybe I blame my libido?"
That sounds very plausible! Again, I am sorry that you have to suffer from this. I just wish that one day you will be free from these feelings of guilt and shame and can experience having a body without fear.